Hi everyone, I haven't been here in a couple of months. This is because I routinely convince myself that I don't have a problem (as in bipolar disorder) and stop trying to get treatment or help or support. Then my symptoms get any worse until I hit rock bottom again and think to myself, "Oh yeah, maybe I have bipolar disorder and should try to get help." How do I stop going through this cycle?

The problem is that I make appointments with health care professionals when I'm accepting of the illness. Then I cancel the appointments when I decide I don't have bipolar disorder. I live in Arkansas and getting treatment quickly is hard here. Getting an appointment with a psychiatrist takes 3 - 4 months, so I usually change my mind about going before the appointment comes about.

Also, I really need to call and reschedule an appointment to see the psychiatrist (although now I won't be able to see him/her until August, I think) but I'm embarrassed. The receptionists act like I'm crazy because I keep scheduling, canceling, and rescheduling. What should I do?

[Capriciousness]

Don't be embarrassed! You are not the first person in this situation and I am sure they have seen everything. You just have to take care of yourself anyway.

Go to all of your appointments and thing EVEN THOUGH you are not sure about your dx. Just keep going.

This is tough stuff. It took me 2 and a half years, a bad episode, reading through eight years of old emails, and going through old journals, and more to finally accept it. It is not easy. It is really really hard. You are definitely not alone.

Just think about it like this....even if you are not Bipolar you frequently feel enough symptom that make you feel pretty uncomfortable and when you tell docs about it they think it seems like Bipolar. So even if it isn't bipolar, it is something you want help for.

Just go. Just go to your appointments. Go while you are on this journey of acceptance.

[StartingFreshNow]

Maybe when you are feeling like you're not bipolar and have an appoint you should go to the appointment and give them a chance to validate you. You can tell them how you felt when you make the appointment (journal it so you have a first hand account) and then how you feel now and that you don't think you really need to be there. Let them give you their professional opinion on what's going on. Just a suggestion.

[outlaw sammy]

Let's face the bitter truth, no one wants to admit that they have a malfunctioning mind, but finally accepting this facts is a very difficult road to travel. When I was first diagnosed, I was confronted with the mountain of evidence of my manic and manic-psychotic episodes. At that point, I couldn't deny my condition any longer. You may need to travel along that road to acceptance just a bit further before you admit the truth.

I agree with outlaw sammy...none of us wants to have a messed-up mind. I don;t know, really, what to tell you except that when you do go to an appointment you'll probably be relieved that you did.

One thing...maybe reward yourself with a gift for going to the appointment.

[roads]

Capriciousness has given you an excellent, heartfelt answer--the sort that comes only from someone who's been there. I especially connect with the phrase "journey of acceptance." I don't think healing can start in therapy until we accept some piece of our reality.

People generally don't like going to medical appointments. It's not just us going to psychiatrists ... it's most folks who ought to see their dentists too. Call and make that appointment!! If the receptionist gives you a hard time, just laugh and say, "People like me give you lots of job security, I imagine. So when can I get that appointment?"

I wasn't Dx'd bipolar until six yrs ago, when I was 62. Once the pdoc got me on the right mix and dose of meds, life became much easier--it had been getting progressively more difficult. I'd struggled with alcoholism, which taught me a lot about acceptance. At 62--& when the meds worked so well--I got with the program fast.

You are far from alone in this journey. Come back here, post a lot, keep your appointments, be your own advocate. Take best care of you.

Roads

[mindy1963]

Hi It is very hard to accept when diagnosed BP. I was dx'd 4 years ago and still have trouble accepting it. I know how you feel. With me I don't always notice the subtle changes in my mood. I don't have wild swings. My first indication of BP was when Zoloft sent me into a manic episode, what a shock! I went off and on meds for years without much notice in my mood. That was before I was dx'd. I was BP2 then was BP1 after the antidepressant surprise.
It is very hard to accept diagnosis and denial or disbelief is very common. Sometimes over time at least with me your BP traits mix with or become engrained with your personality. Or your personality compensates to your BP moods. I based my personality or my baseline to my mild hypomania, believed that was me or what I liked.
It is very important to stay on your meds even when you don't feel you need them, again very common for many to stop when in normal and hypomania moods. This is a trick or illusion your mind plays on you. If you stop sooner or later you will start to get tricked by your moods and lose track of your mood or cycle unknowingly. What I notice is you swing very subtly or smoothly into hypomania and maybe get into some trouble or problems, it can be very smooth and hard to see. Depression is easier to notice. So stay on your meds and pay attention to your moods and any changes in behavior! Keep in touch with and talk to your Dr. as instructed or needed. Very easy to feel better and think you don't need your meds, been there done that. This is my experience and we are all different in how it affects us. Just giving you my experience. ..Good Luck! ))