[Crazy cat lady]

I don't know how to start this. My husband of 7 years told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He had his mom there for support because he thought I was going to flip out, based on my history of anger. He had his dad take the kids while he dropped the bombshell. How did it come to this? I felt blindsided completely. I pretty much begged for him to give us another chance, and he finally agreed to give us 6 months for me to improve. The main thing he was unhappy about? Sex. I have absolutely no desire for sex, and would go months without. The only reason it was that often is because he would basically guilt me into it. But I did not really enjoy it, and tried to make it through until he was done. So that day he told me, I felt like I had no choice but to have sex with him. That felt like the only way to save my marriage. A sacrifice I would have to make, if you will. But over the next week, it felt like that was all he was after, all he cared about when it came to us.

Ever since he told me, I just have a hard time around him. It felt like I had to walk on eggshells to make sure I didn't make a wrong move that would cause him to continue filing for divorce. It made me wonder if he really loved me, or if he was giving us another chance because he felt sorry for me? Nothing felt the same.

I should say all if this seemed to come out of nowhere. Never once had we had a discussion of how unhappy he was in our marriage, or how he was thinking of a divorce. We didn't have the perfect marriage, but I felt we were comfortable with each other, kind of settled and used to the way things were. Both our parents are divorced, and he said he would never do that. He was committed forever.

He also said he would never cheat. But two days ago, I found a conversation he was having with another woman on Facebook. It had been going on for over a month, and at one point he asked if she had feelings for him. She she did, until she realized it was wrong because he was married. He basically said that would be over soon, he was giving it another shot but it wasn't going so well. He was making plans on going out of town with her one day. Even told her I didn't love him anymore and was leaving that day. He says they never kissed or more than that, but it's the fact that he had feelings for someone other than me, while we were married. To me, that's as good as cheating.

So now I went from hoping he wouldn't leave, to being unsure if I want to stay. All I can think about is him spending time with her, seeing the words he wrote to her, picturing them on their getaway. I can't even look at him right now. I'm so confused and I don't know if I can out the effort in to save the marriage. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for what he did.

[Blue Poppy]

Hello there,

I am sorry that you are having a tough time right now. Based on the scenario you have described, it would be very confusing. Is there a therapist nearby that you can talk to about all of your feelings and your marriage? Would he be willing to see a counsellor with you? It sounds like all the issues need to be laid out on the table before you can decide what you want to do. I am sorry that I cannot answer your question, but I wish the very best for you.

[~Christina]

Im sorry you are in this situation ...

Sounds like a lack of respect on his part . Love requires respect from both people. Maybe see if hes is willing to go to marriage counseling ?

If he doesn't go for some counseling maybe you should see a therapist just to help you figure out what you should do.

Good Luck Im sorry your dealing with so much

[Kristiemarie]

Hi! I know I'm new and not officially diagnosed bp but I have had mental, uh, issues the entirety of my marriage. And to me, it sounds like this is his problem, not yours. Your husband either loves you for who you are and wants to work this out or he doesn't. I know hat sounds harsh but you deserve someone who loves you, warts and all. That surely doesn't help you out in terms of how you will cope through this but perhaps with the help of a friend, your pdoc and the folks here, you can do it. There IS someone out there who will love you, even when you are being unlovable. I know it. And right now you are faced with a huge curve....who knows what's around that bend. It might be the life you want and deserve.

My advice? Talk to him. Get the counseling to try and resolve and save your marriage. But please don't shoulder the blame for everything. Your illness does not sound like the sole reason this is happening. And sometimes, walking away is better than staying.

Good luck and remember you are valued and you do deserve happiness.

[bluemountains]

Hi CCL,
I am so sorry for how you must be feeling now. Your husband is "beating up" on you mentally, and you don't deserve this. Please seek counseling, either individually or as a couple if he is willing to do so.
Also, I view sex as more than just the physical act-is he offering any intimacy? Is he concerned about what sex means to you? My husband and I aren't frequent with the physical act, but we maintain a relationship in other ways-touches, personal comments, etc.
Yes, a marriage can survive bp. Please don't allow this to be used as a reason for the problems your husband is having with the relationship. He is looking for excuses for his inconsiderate behavior.

Bluemountains

CCL, not only do you need to see a psychiatrist to stabilize your emotions with proper medication, but in my view, you need to see a lawyer just to lay out the facts and that you may be facing a divorce.

You have a huge interest to protect with the children, the home, their rearing, and
financial needs. Only a lawyer can advise you about how to manage the legal aspect of what's going on in your life. You may need one someday, and it's better to get something established before rather than later after he has left or handed you a document from his lawyer.

What you have described sounds discouraging to me in terms of a continued long-term relationship. You seem very rational and on top of what's happening, in my view. Please protect yourself and everyone's financial status for the future. Your lawyer could advise you about how to protect the funds in your accounts in case the husband decides to take what's available when and if he leaves. There are laws about these kinds of things, and they are designed to protect people--which you have not been receiving.

He isn't and hasn't been fair with you, to say the least.

Why hasn't all this sequence of events made you extremely angry? You need legal protection,
I believe.

[Crazy cat lady]

I guess I should say that I am seeing a pdoc, and have been since I was diagnosed in 2007. I also was seeing a therapist, but am currently looking for a new one, someone closer to home and able to help me more. I live in a small community, so options for marriage counseling are very few. I did call one I thought would be helpful yesterday, but have yet to hear from her. My husband heard of a therapist who deals with marriage counseling when one spouse is bipolar. Yes, this sounds perfect. Still waiting for that return phone call. But what crossed my mind when he first told me was, how many people did he talk to and how much do they know? He was in a card group, playing gin at night at different houses after the kids went to bed. I work early on the morning, so I'm in bed about 8:30pm. Because he was pretty much done with me, he was spending a lot of time there at night. That is where he met "her". I asked questions about her. So I know that they would sit and watch movies, movies that are now ruined for me and that I can never see. They would just talk and hang out. But he said he did think about kissing her, but never did.

I should mention that I did a similar but completely different thing last year. I found my last ex-boyfriend before my husband and I got.together. he was a jerk to me and we didn't talk for years. He found me ok Facebook, and I thought he had matured so we could be friends. I talked to him as a friend. Turns out he had a hidden agenda, and I immediately stopped communication with him. My husband saw that as cheating because I had talked to him and made plans to meet at Starbucks. That never happened. It caused a lot of turmoil between us, and he thought about leaving for a while. I thought we had worked things out and were getting better. We made plans to renew our vows, and I thought things were back to normal. But he said the moment we were saying the vows is when hr decided he wanted to leave. Never once did he talk to me about anything. He either kept it all inside, or talked to who knows who else about it....everyone but me.

He told me that he did research and found out that in a divorce, if one person is diagnosed with bipolar, they immediately lose custody of the kids and have to have supervised visits until they are deemed safe to have unsupervised visits. I do have a lawyer acquaintance I am thinkng about contacting to ask. He had already gone to a lawyer and picked up the paperwork before he bothered to let me know what was going on.

I have been pretty depressed since he told me on July 25. It was slowly getting better, but I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. Then I find out about "her", and I instantly got angry. Now, I don't feel like I can trust him at all. Every time I see him do something different or anything, I wonder if it's because of "her". When he's on his phone or not at home, I wonder if it's because of "her". Anytime I'm around him, I feel depressed. I have cried so much the last few days, I've had to go to bed with a cold washcloth on my eyes so they don't swell up like crazy. Yesterday we went to a larger city mall, and it felt wrong at first. Like a big mistake for us to go together. It got a little better, but still didn't feel quite right. I really want to make it work because I do love him, but now I don't know how much I love him. My heart hurts so much when I think about what he's done to me, and I don't know if I can make that hurt go away. I honestly don't know what to do.

He really is a nice guy, for the most part. He has been there for me since I got diagnosed. I was hospitalized shortly after being diagnosed, and he was there for me. I get super angry, I was yelling and screaming and throwing stuff against the wall. I have so many broken picture frames that I've thrown. But lately, he hasn't really been there for me. When I get super depressed, he just leaves me alone. When all I want is for him to just be there with me and show that he loves me no matter what. I guess he didn't feel that way, and is the reason he stopped pretending to care.

Sorry for anything misspelled or funky looking. I am on my phone, and it's hard to look over it as I'm typing. And when I get going, I have a hard time keeping up with what I'm writing.