[Faraway tree]

So I was I diagnosed bipolar about two months ago but have had bipolar since I moved away to study when I was 19 (I'm now 26). This whole time I have lived away from home in various towns, and have only talked to my family when things are good. When I have disappeared off the radar for months on end they have never thought anything of it.

As far as i can tell they see me as the Typical oldest child - the one they can count on, the one who is privvy to all the family info, the one who moved in to care for sick rellies and who looked after my siblings when my parents split up. It's seems my mum at least thinks I am the one who hits the ground running, who is always ok, and is her ( and I quote) inspiration. She has even told me she knows she never has to worry about me because I am so strong.

She is right, I am strong, but you don't get to be strong without being challenged and bipolar certainly does that.

As far as I can see pros = I no longer feel like I'm deceiving them. Good.

Cons = they will worry, they might treat me differently, my mum will gossip and tell all of her friends meaning all of the small town I am from will know, the rest of my family will worry, if/when I get depressed again they will know and I will just want to avoid them, or they might try to "cheer me up" which as you will know is heartbreaking When you can't be cheered, they will realise I have tricked them for six years and might feel bad for not helping me, if I go manic they might make dumb jokes about meds/ treat me like I'm crazy.

There is nothing they can do to help other than how they already do without knowing - I'm not even in the same country as them at the mo. I worry that if I tell them they either won't get it, and will be annoying and interfere or they will get it and they will feel sad and worry.

So, to tell? Or not to tell?

Thanks for letting me vent

Me

no worries...venting is very good very cool so necessary and brilliantly vented Faraway!
I guess I have the reverse situation....everything I have done proved to others that I was likely unhinged....(cruel word please don't apply to yourself illness etc)...

YET....I remained strong and have survived some ridiculous stuff and persevered anyway whichever way I could and it was SO obvious to everyone else that I was perhaps doing everything really hard and I didn't know why it's all I knew.

and just writing this brings up the reality I can see somehow what it might have appeared!....

but nothing stopped me.

umm...now where was I?

ah yes...to tell them or not?.....you have performed so well this long and bipolar is not a dis-advantage!...

it's an experience...

you have the hang of it maybe you can help your loved ones get the hang of it too

[Faraway tree]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

no worries...venting is very good very cool so necessary and brilliantly vented Faraway!
I guess I have the reverse situation....everything I have done proved to others that I was likely unhinged....(cruel word please don't apply to yourself illness etc)...

YET....I remained strong and have survived some ridiculous stuff and persevered anyway whichever way I could and it was SO obvious to everyone else that I was perhaps doing everything really hard and I didn't know why it's all I knew.

and just writing this brings up the reality I can see somehow what it might have appeared!....

but nothing stopped me.

umm...now where was I?

ah yes...to tell them or not?.....you have performed so well this long and bipolar is not a dis-advantage!...

it's an experience...

you have the hang of it maybe you can help your loved ones get the hang of it too

you think I could train them up? Not a bad idea. I haven't got the hang of it just yet, this whole drug thing and, to quote you, " stable instability" but maybe when I have I will sit them down for a wee chat. Thanks

[Eliza Jane]

From your post, it sounds like you don't want to share with them. If so, that's totally your right. You know your family best and ultimately, you should trust your gut.

That said, I'll share my own experience with the issue. I was fairly depressed during grade school and high school. My parents never totally picked up on it. Went to college 5 hrs away, got worse, went to grad school 4 hrs away and crashed so hard I had a hard time being functional. I didn't tell them how bad things got. I started taking a number of meds. One day they were visiting and offered to help clean my apt while I went to class. Well (being a little nosy) they discovered my (hidden) meds.

I had hidden it from them because I thought they wouldn't understand, would judge me, etc. My parents aren't usually good with that sort of thing. But actually they stepped up. One specific way that they stepped up was to be financially supportive of my therapy in grad school. And even more recently, since I still have money problems, they paid for an expensive psychiatric treatment that my insurance wouldn't cover. In a family that expresses love through money, I feel pretty loved and supported!

That said, my depression diagnosis was recently updated to BP II. I have not bothered to tell them that. While I am not opposed to telling them eventually, at this point idk what it could add to their understanding. The depression is way more problematic for me than the hypomania.

Best,
EJ

Originally Posted by Faraway tree

you think I could train them up? Not a bad idea. I haven't got the hang of it just yet, this whole drug thing and, to quote you, " stable instability" but maybe when I have I will sit them down for a wee chat. Thanks

no probs at all...you will be fine I can tell...you have poise!

something in great demand in the world of mental illness...

you will be fine... I would wish you good luck and maybe I will just a little but I don't think you will need it so much just be yourself...

awesome things can and will happen

[Mollie May]

I am going to agree with this:

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

From your post, it sounds like you don't want to share with them. If so, that's totally your right. You know your family best and ultimately, you should trust your gut.

And add this: My doctor said it's important to let the people close to you know what's going on, so they can be a support system to help you. He pointed out that they're the people who can best recognize symptoms of the depression or mania and report them to the doctor if you don't notice them yourself. I think that's a valid point because most of us don't realize we're in an episode until we're too far in. With that said, I told my fiance only at first. And it was helpful. If you're not close to your family, this would not apply, but EJ's advice above certainly would.

Best of luck,
MM

[Victoria'smom]

Mood charts, thought/event/mood charts, a journal and a good psychological /pdoc team can help recognize your symptoms way before your family, IMHO. Everyone knows about my dx not the severity. If they already except you and your not comfortable with telling them your Dx then don't. Ask them to tell you if you are doing x,y,z if you don't realize. They don't need to know your dx to help you. Having family being able to contact your pdoc may / may not be helpful if they're prone to over-react.

[cocoabeans]

I was in a similar situation but, always known to be moody, had depression during my teenage years that was known (not much done about it but, known) and didn't tell my family about the bipolar diagnosis 'til I was about your age.

I hit a really bad depression, had to drop out of school for awhile, you know, the non-functional works and just told my parents what was going on.

Mom tried to argue, doctors don't know best (and they don't!) But when I told her the meds were helping a lot and she spoke with my siblings, the picture came to light and she worried, for awhile. Now? It's as per usual.

Dad encouraged me not to be ashamed of it. It's just an illness like anything else but, affecting my mind. Hearing that actually helped me stop fighting so much.

Now, it is business as per usual but, bipolar tends to run in families and my siblings, one who has SAD, has the benefit of knowing they're a bipolar relative which can help loads come Prozac mania or nieces or nephews start developing issues.

The initial shock was what I feared too but, they are your family and they know you. "Bipolar" won't cloud their judgements that much, will it?

[spoiltmom]

My family does not know. I just feel like it's something that just me, my husband and my doctors need to know. I feel if I told my family they would all just think I'm crazy

[Faraway tree]

Aw thanks gang... I think you guys are right, they know me, it won't change that much. And at the same time, it's my life, I don't have to tell them at all until they day I'm ready if/when that comes.

As far as getting them to watch me for the crazy, I think they lost the right to that when no one noticed I was sick for six years (eek is that a bit of resentment coming out??!) but I have good friends who can see the crazy coming from a mile off, long before me and I'm pretty good at spotting it too so that's no problem.

I think part of me me just wants someone to say " look how hard that was, you've been really brave" as corny/pathetic as that sounds. Now that I've tried meds for the first time I've realised my life has been so damn hard for six years and now that I can look back with a non racy mind I cant comprehend How I even lived. Im actually feel scared if I think of going back to that life. Anyhow, I digress again.

Maybe next time I'm home I'll tell them if I feel up to it.

Thanks for the support / advice guys - really appreciate your insights as I've never done the family/biploar thing before.

. Hope all is well out there across the sea (I'm on the other side of the world to most of you)



Me