Am I a fraud?

Miss Laura · Aug 15, 2012, 09:37 AM

Hey guys,

I was diagnosised as BP1 nearly 2 years ago. Having had some major manic episodes. Recently I have been thinking and I have came to the conclusion my last "manic" episode was this time last year. But during that time I had stopped taking my medication. So technically that was my fault. Yes I have been delusional, had some psychosis and have had paranoia. But overall I have been feeling "normal" for a better word.

I feel I am a fraud as I am "fine" to the naked eye. I get embarrassed when talking to family who ask how I am and I say I am fine and then I wonder if they think I am pretending to be ill? I am not working at the moment and I guess I really should be. I am able to hold down a job well I have done in the past. I have never been hospitalised for my disorder nor I have been in any major dangers. Ye I feel suicidal and self harm from time to time. I do have depression but I think it all stems from not having a job and structure. I am doing activities to keep me going but I just feel like a fraud.

I am receiving benefits which I don't like as I have never been on benefits before and feel like a fraud for taking the governments money. Ok I admit the free bus pass is a God send. I don't know how to go about de-claiming benefits and will I look like an idiot for doing so?

I know I do suffer a lot inside and I can hide it well so people just think I am fine anyways. But I just feel like a fraud.

Sorry if this sounds like utter nonesense to you guys!!

Aug 15, 2012, 10:16 AM

sorry you feel this way laura.

i've felt like this before too

but, it's real, and it's happening

and as long as we know that ourselves, then we're good- if people refuse to get it it's their problem.

no one knows how you feel better than yourwself.

hugs

Moose72 · Aug 15, 2012, 10:18 AM

I think you're just thinking. We all do that. I don't think you should give any benefits back, though. They are very difficult to get! My old T has told me plenty of times that I need structure and thus need a job. So there you go.

She would like that idea.

Kristiemarie · Aug 15, 2012, 11:04 AM

I'm a very private person so even when things are bad, I seem ok to most people. What's important is how you actually feel inside, not what people think you feel.

daisyxxchain · Aug 15, 2012, 11:55 AM

I feel the exact same way. I hate it.

Miss Laura · Aug 15, 2012, 12:13 PM

Thanks guys,

I definately need structure....... more structure that is. I have been trying to get up for 8am every day and weekends 9am. I have been coming off the computer for 930pm and going to bed between 10 and 11pm. I am managing to half my computer usage time from being on all day to coming on in periods and sometimes I am not on the computer at all just using the internet through my phone. Getting up in the mornings are really hard as I take Serequol at 7pm to aid with sleep sometimes it really does knock me out. I am trying to be "normal" but I am definately not use to it as I worked shift work so my sleep and structure has always been whacked.

I try and be happy as well I hate people seeing me "ill" I don't like the questions they ask as sometimes I just want to be miserable and or hyper. I am pretty good at hiding most of my feelings so I guess that is my own fault?

faerie_moon_x · Aug 15, 2012, 12:27 PM

You're not a fraud. Just because you've found a place where you're fine doesn't mean you're not ill. It just means you've found remission with your meds and that is a good thing!

I am also really good at hiding my feelings. I guess you could say I was "trained" to do that, because of how I was raised. I go along without meds and I seem okay to other people until the messiness of what's happening to me overwhelms me, and then everyone is confused. They don't understand that I actually need help, and because I can't ever seem to get help... well, messiness happens...

Victoria'smom · Aug 15, 2012, 07:43 PM

My husband feels like he's a fraud all the time. I have never been hospitalized. My T says that I'm good at talking myself down and so is my husband. We also don't know how to ask for help when we need it. I get benefits and my husband is trying to. We can't pay the 180+ a week for the services / medication we need to keep ourselves alive. I say alive because neither of us have any resemblance to stable but outside our home we look awesome. We are great fakers even to each other when we feel they need it. We're 'required' to let our significant other know we aren't doing well. Make-up is my signal, sweats is his.

It takes a long time to be remotely being okay w. accepting benefits and even then there are times that you are not okay with it generally that's a sign we are not doing well. If you need the structure see if you can do out-patient because you are self harming or volunteer so if things go bad or you need less hours it's possible w/o getting fired. If you are not in therapy then try that too.

Faraway tree · Aug 16, 2012, 05:46 PM

I am a master of disguise and can appear fine when I feel awful. And on the few occasions I have felt fine I feel silly and guilty for all the fuss and like I should be able to keep it together better as its so much easier when you feel ok.

I spent the last six years knowing I had something that was like bipolar but that I was making it up, and that if I just worked harder things would be ok.

The thing I have found the most hurtful since beng diagnosed were two peoples comments when I told them.
1- it can't have been that bad, you still managed to finish your degree. Yours must be a minor case of it.
2- have you been in hospital? No? Oh well, you must be fine, are you sure it's bipolar?

those two were like a slap in the face. Haha most people said "oh that explains a lot" and laughed though.

SillyKitty · Aug 16, 2012, 06:14 PM

You're not a fraud. I understand how you feel, though. I can seem just fine. My friends were really shocked when I had to go on leave. Something a therapist said in group today seems really appropriate:

I stubbed my toe and it hurt. Yes, someone else may have almost cut their leg off, but knowing that doesn't make your toe feel any better.

Miss Laura · Aug 18, 2012, 03:05 PM

Lol!!! Ok so I am not alone with the feeling of being a fraud then. I am glad in a sense as I thought I was alone.

I am being more open about having Bipoolar. When I bump into old school friends and they ask what I am up to now a days. I say I am out of work at the moment. I have Bipolar and I am on the road to recovery. I bumped into my best friend from school- we were best friends from the ages of 5-19 years old. I said to her who would of though 10 years ago I would be where I am now.... she is due t get married in 5 weeks. I am being more open I think its a good thing?

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