[hamster-bamster]

I was composing this post in my head walking down the street, and that action alone helped alleviate the fears; I am hoping that by actually committing it to paper and getting responses, I will be able to become fear-free.

I have some wonderful news coming up. In a month, I will move from my 1-bdr apt to the 2-bdr apt that my ex and children are currently occupying, and they will move to an adjacent city for the sake of a better school district. Their landlord is an awesome Iranian guy; he is very appreciative of quiet, stable tenants and he never raised the rent on them in three years. He is raising the rent now that the lease goes to me, but it is still below market and I do not expect him to raise the rent on me again while I stay, so it is a very good deal. He allows cats. My ex wants to make sure that I pay on time (I have been known to be late with rent) so he will take a bunch of checks from me and take care of sending them monthly - this way the good relationship with the landlord will be preserved. This is all wonderful, thanks for my ex' idea and commitment.

I will have an extra room and it will house at first the remnants of my past life - the stuff I got from storage which mostly represents the remembrance of things past and evidence of manic shopping, such as oodles of shelving from the Container Store. Little by little I will dismantle that stuff, selling, donating/freecycling, repurposing. I will have a neat bedroom and a neat living room all the while - the STUFF will be contained in the little bedroom. I will be able to receive guests. I currently have little furniture - all went to ex and the children, few plates - just a couple of very pretty plates from my great-grandmother but other than that I use paper plates, and no matching silverware, and not enough silverware on top of it. This will change; I will buy a couch at IKEA (the same that my ex has - a $200 fabric couch that has held up very well for three years, despite having 2 people lying down on it with their laptops all day long); my older daughter who is particular about these things will choose silverware to her taste, and together we will buy some plates and bowls and cups. This all sounds completely wonderful and something to look forward to. I will finally get domesticated. Eventually, once I have paid off my credit card debts, I will buy a nice dinner set; for now, I will continue to use a $10 Walmart patio furniture plastic table/chairs set. I will be able to have friends stay overnight once I have the couch. Sounds terrific.

The only trouble is that I have to go to IKEA for it, and I am afraid that I will be overcome by sadness and will become disorganized and forlorn. I have not been to IKEA in years; I have not been to IKEA since I was manic but did not know it; refused to know it. I used to make endless trips to IKEA in mania and spent a fortune there all in all. When I later read the book Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison, I became envious - her manic spending included ROLEXes (or some other brand of high-end watches, I do not remember). I wish I had bought ROLEXes! I am sure all that cheap crap combined equalled ROLEXes in cost, but ROLEXes do not need space, do not have to be put in storage; you do not need to pay the movers for transporting ROLEXes - they do not even remind you of past manias if you hide them some place. No, my thing was "home organization", and that stuff takes space. One evening I just had to buy what now would seem an ugly set of plastic colorful drawers in a wooden frame for children's belongings and I could not wait - could not postpone; we hopped in the car and were just in time to buy the set before the store closed. What saddens me is that this is how the kids remember their mommy - manic and frantic. Instead of quiet unwind and a bedtime story, they got lines at IKEA at almost 9PM. They still go there with their dad to eat (cheap tasty food) and to browse without buying, and I know from him that they comment on stuff with "Mommy bought this, mommy bought that". I make the conclusion that IKEA has been pretty consistent in its selection over the years .

The aggravating part is that for some of this IKEA shopping period, I was under the care of my first p-doc. And he did nothing, even though I entered his office with huge shopping bags. He kept me on Depakote which clearly did not help and was not trying anything else - he was just collecting money from insurance and me. And I was perfectly happy with this approach and when my then husband raised issues, I only laughed. This is all very sad, because I could have been helped - there is a thing that completely removes the urge to shop for me and it is the oldest psychiatric drug. So it is not like help was unavailable at that time. It was just a ****** doctor and a patient in denial of her symptoms.

So now I am afraid to go and see those rows at IKEA - the aisles, the stuff. I am not afraid of that triggering manic shopping - lithium protects me very well against it - I would just rather not see that stuff ever again. Not face it ever again.

And I have choices when it comes to plates and silverware. I can go to Target. Target corporation has also benefitted from my manic shopping, but to a lesser extent than IKEA, and I have since been to Target and spent judiciously so I can go there knowing that I will be fine. I can try looking for some unusual finds at thrift stores; there is Amazon.

But I do not have a choice when it comes to the couch. I would not find such a cheap yet sturdy couch any place else. I have to go to IKEA.

It is not very much the thought of wasted money that saddens me; it is the thought of wasted life.

[unaluna]

it's funny, your H is a shrink and was right there the whole time, right? so was my brother. how is it that they could not help us? stop us? whatever? I don't know.

[lynn P.]

How about this:
1. you could wait until you move and then buy what you need. Remember the word need, not wants.
2. go to Ikea with the intention of just looking not buying one thing. Looking will give you an idea of what you want and therefore time to think about the purchase...like is it the best price and is it a need.
3. when you do go, have a list and how much money you want to spend in cash - leave the debt/credit cards at home.

My husband has strong tendencies of a shopaholic and I'm the saver type, more so because he spends way too much and I don't have control over the money. One time in my life, I'd love to go on a shopping free and not have to feel anxiety.

Since you have this tendency it would be great for you to get some financial counseling so you can learn to stick to a budget. Best of luck when you do purchase the items you need.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hankster

it's funny, your H is a shrink and was right there the whole time, right? so was my brother. how is it that they could not help us? stop us? whatever? I don't know.

If my first p-doc ever invited H to join me in session or come separately, there would have been hope. He would have gotten a real account of the symptoms.

I was not to be reasoned with; that H was telling me not to buy the stuff was not helping; what helps me is lithium and he could not have prescribed it for me. I am completely dependent on lithium - I recently skipped less than a weekend's worth of the stuff to the tune of $400 in spending.

In the end, in a very circuitous way, H helped. When I attempted suicide and was in a hospital, he let my work know why I was absent so that I would not be fired. A colleague whom I barely knew came forth with his bipolar. He did not recommend a doctor as he is in the SF and I am in the Valley, but he recommended that I read Unquiet Mind. That is how I learned about Lithium. Then, I checked myself into Stanford Hospital after meeting a racewalker - a story I still owe you - and doing a bunch of other things, and requested Lithium there, and was put on it. But it is a very circuitous and happenstance way of helping.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

need... budget

Lithium takes care of that for me - I only buy what I need. I do not get impulses of a shopaholic on Lithium. It eliminates the urge, the temptation, the draw. It is a true wonder drug for me. Worth its weight in gold.

[Blue Poppy]

Hi Hamster,

I know the feeling of not wanting to go somewhere because it reminds you of your manic shopping sprees. Although I suffer hypomania, I bought oodles of fabric at Fabricland and quilting shops. I bought a ton of art supplies. I bought books with endless projects that I intended to accomplish.
I haven't been able to set foot at Fabricland for quite some time. I am too ashamed, especially thinking that the staff there probably wondered a whole lot about me.
I also did some volunteer work at the SPCA when I was very sick. It is hard for me to go there now, which is sad for the dogs that I walked, but I just can't face it.
So, I know how it feels to have the fear...............

As for the couch, I would order it online (only the couch) and have it delivered so you don't have to go to the store, lest ye be tempted!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Blue Poppy

Hi Hamster,

I know the feeling of not wanting to go somewhere because it reminds you of your manic shopping sprees. Although I suffer hypomania, I bought oodles of fabric at Fabricland and quilting shops. I bought a ton of art supplies. I bought books with endless projects that I intended to accomplish.
I haven't been able to set foot at Fabricland for quite some time. I am too ashamed, especially thinking that the staff there probably wondered a whole lot about me.
I also did some volunteer work at the SPCA when I was very sick. It is hard for me to go there now, which is sad for the dogs that I walked, but I just can't face it.
So, I know how it feels to have the fear...............

As for the couch, I would order it online (only the couch) and have it delivered so you don't have to go to the store, lest ye be tempted!

You are not the first one. On this board, I have read about hypomanic buying of artistic markers (I believe that was the name of the product but I might be wrong - you still get the idea) and of craft supplies. The person who bought artistic markers was not even an artist. She is a student in a completely different area.

I will look into IKEA.com for delivery of the couch. If that means I do not have to set foot in the store, I will be happy to pay extra for it. Alternatively, I will ask my ex to buy it for me and pay him back. Since I would still need his help assembling the couch, I might as well go that route. Thanks for problem-solving with me! And, OT, you have the loveliest username and image.

I also understand your feeling ashamed. I have oodles of stuff from the Container Store - with receipts - and it is a wonderful store with unconditional return policy. But I am ashamed to go back and return the stuff I bought in 2006, 2007... What will I say - sorry I was continuously hypomanic?