[LiveThroughThis]

Not sure where to start. As stated in my New Member post, I have BPD II, OCD, and Anxiety Disorder. I received Disability at the beginning of this year, which is very helpful, but I don't qualify for any insurance, so that's been a *****. I've spent months trying to get my anxiety med right (story on its own), on top of dozens of violent Panic Attacks (triggers/cycle-of-feeling-nervous). I haven't driven regularly in months because all of the traffic is too much for me to focus on--and I live in a small town. I limit my out-of-house interactions because if I'm not in a good place (which I can't always gauge) all the stimulation ups my anxiety.

I go to therapy weekly, would go more if I could drive myself--my rides are limited and stressful. I haven't had a general doctor in over a decade, so I was referred to an Internist in September (my PMS is severe, triggers mood swings and anxiety/hypomania/rage) to see if he can pinpoint some of it.

My psychiatrist (who I also see in Sept.) said on more than one occasion he thought I had a sleep disorder (he thankfully refused to give me a sleep med, demanded I get a Sleep Study done). I did, and it came up negative, even though my new Sleep Dr. felt certain--and does--that I have Sleep Apnea. For the past two weeks I've been renting an APAP machine that automatically forces up the oxygen pressure in my sleep if my throat constricts. I've taken the "SIM card" to the pharmacy and the RN says it's clear I'm having sleep disturbances, but that when my month-renting is up they'll send all the info to my Sleep Doctor (who I see around that time) and he'll tell me what he thinks I have and what to use nightly. It's reassuring on one hand that someone else saw what I long suspected---my sleep was never refreshing no matter how long I slept, my memory was getting worse, I felt like I had Mono a lot, even when bloodwork was normal. This all despite losing 25 pounds (my meds have caused about an 60-80lb weight gain over last two years).

I was feeling better at first with the sleep machine. But now it seems I've developed either a virus or a Sinus Infection. It's gone on a few days, but it's wearing me out (no energy, very weak, nauseous, etc.). I see my therapist tomorrow despite feeling like ***** because I hope it will alleviate some stress.

My town is small, as I said, so we don't have a cab service or any kind of public transportation that I know of---a bus would make me nervous. Even if I lived in my hometown (as my mother continually wishes I did), everyone I could depend on works 9-5 jobs so it wouldn't help.

It is really hard dealing with all of this, being home all day alone (my bf works 10+ hr days). I do my best to distract myself, watch movies, etc. But when I'm sick or one of my meds bothers me I get dizzy easily and have to stop channel surfing.

I've never attempted suicide, but I continually wish I was done with all of this. I have not had peace in years; I'll think something's gotten tackled, then it leads to something new, or simply another issue pops up. Part of my anxiety is feeling like something is critically wrong with me (i.e., "I feel so weak, am I having a stroke? Is this normal? I'm in my 20's...") but whatever I think it is always goes away, at least for a little while.

I would appreciate if no one would say, "It'll get better," and other "positive" things. I know the sentiments are meant well, but sometimes it doesn't get better; sometimes people leave their lives by choice, some people get institutionalized. I don't know how to get a better grip on what I deal with, how not to have it pervade my head so much. If I didn't have this virus, and my sleep was more restful, I'd have energy to clean, get things done in the house and distract myself. But for now it's feeling ill, being in fear, and escaping to sleep when my body lets me. I have very few people I can rely on (most friends are married w/kids, and most of my family can't handle or don't believe that any of this is for real).

I'm just so frustrated. I realize most of this was an anxiety post, and not Bipolar, but I know all the disorders I have are related, and my moods may swing down soon. Hope it was okay to post here, or move it if necessary.

Thanks for reading.

[eloquentdisaster]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC

I hope you find what your looking for here

[BlueInanna]

Welcome to the group. I always forget to read new member intro's, so thanks for posting it here. You're really going through it, hopefully you can get some much needed support here. This is an interesting place... Take care.

[LiveThroughThis]

I actually made my new member post a couple days ago.

This was just a "vent" of sorts. Thank you all for your words.