[Mary73]

My children are ages 14, 12, and 9. It took me until 2:30pm just to take a shower today. I did it hoping it would help my depression and that I would feel like I could at least smile when my youngest daughter came home from school. I feel like I can't even lift my arms and yet I'm supposed to make dinner tonight. I want to get under the covers and hide. I feel like I can't take care of them right now. The love in my heart for them is huge but depression takes over and guilt and sadness. How can I even expect them to understand this? I'm fighting back tears as I type. I don't want them to see me cry. It happens too often as it is. My Mom tells me to fight it...where the heck do I get that fight from when I'm constantly battling this chemical depression. I've tried everything. I've even done ECT. I care so much about them but feel like a failure.

Failures, Mary, don't give a hoot about how their children are. You're not a failure at all. You have a clinical depressive state and need medication to re-establish a chemical balance that has gone haywire.

Please go in and talk to a psychiatrist as soon as possible, get on medication, and you will be fine in just a few weeks. If, in the interim, you feel that you need an anti-anxiety medication that would help, ask for that, as well.

This is a treatable illness and more people suffer from it than we even like to think about.

There is a possibility that you may be like 70% of depressed people: you may be missing genetically the enzymes that enable you to metabolize vitamin B9 (folic acid) into folate which can cross the blood-brain barrier to help manufacture serotonin and dopamine neurotransmitters. (They are usually low in depression.)

Ask your psychiatrist about a food medication called "Deplin" (a concentrated form of folate that can reach the brain to add additional neurotransmitters that are the "feeling well" ones.) It takes about two to three weeks to begin to feel the good effects of this food med. I would never be without it; it was extremely helpful for me.

Only your psychiatrist can know what is best, however, so you need to talk to him about how you are feeling.

Try taking a hot shower first thing in the morning, then try to get outside in the sunshine for just a little while. It's one step forward at this point each day. It will improve strongly once the antidepressants kick in.

Tell your children that you haven't been feeling strong lately and that you do need to see a doctor. They will show you their compassion and pitch right in to help.

You'll be fine; just get in to see a specialist right away if possible.

Take care of yourself.

Genetic

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Mary73

My children are ages 14, 12, and 9. It took me until 2:30pm just to take a shower today. I did it hoping it would help my depression and that I would feel like I could at least smile when my youngest daughter came home from school. I feel like I can't even lift my arms and yet I'm supposed to make dinner tonight. I want to get under the covers and hide. I feel like I can't take care of them right now. The love in my heart for them is huge but depression takes over and guilt and sadness. How can I even expect them to understand this? I'm fighting back tears as I type. I don't want them to see me cry. It happens too often as it is. My Mom tells me to fight it...where the heck do I get that fight from when I'm constantly battling this chemical depression. I've tried everything. I've even done ECT. I care so much about them but feel like a failure.

If you have done ECT, you must have really tried everything. I really feel for you. A depression that does not respond at all to ECT is a rare case - ECT is a powerful treatment. Don't feel guilty, at least! There is no reason for it - you are clearly trying your best!

[Victoria'smom]

Try to get meals that are pop in the oven and set a timer. I think all of us that have had children here understand not feeling like we can care for our children at times. I'm going on 6 months of that feeling. Movie nights, Tv and game night are good for these times. The kids will understand.

[moremi]

Im so sorry you are feeling this way. My heart sank as I read your post because I have been right where you are. I know exactly what you are feeling. When you look at your family and you love them so much you would give anything to just be able to get up and enjoy a meal with them or wear a smile that isnt forced to enjoy a day, hell enjoy an hour... I often feel unworthy. I feel like they deserve so much more than I can give them. I do know that is depression talking though and I hope you do too. You are not a failure, you are still in there every day giving it all you got. Depression is a battle and you take it on every day and are still there for your kids at night. We do what we can with what we have left. You should be proud of yourself for anything you did today like getting in the shower because you are suffering with depression and things like that are not easy to do. You know what I do when I am down and I want to spend time with my girls I rent a movie and we all pile up on the couch together. That way I can stay in my pj's and we all can enjoy a movie and spend time together. It helps too.

[manic most days]

Are you a single mom? I am and you know what I don't know if it's wrong or it's right but my babies and I are a team and it is us against the world. I am honest with them about EVERYTHING!!! Yes sometimes when they leave I bawl like nobodies business but you know what sometimes I cry in front of them and they cry in front of me sometimes too, it is not always good to hold it in... You know I don't know if I am doing this mom thing right or wrong but I have some really amazing kids, they have their corks as does their mama!!!! Your their mom hun they love you NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

[manic most days]

Also if you look at every single reply including your very own post in one way or another every mother states they wish they could be better for their kids.... THAT RIGHT THERE IS A DAMN GOOD MOTHER!!!!!

[tallwaters]

Hi there. Hi have been exactly where you are! I raised three children also. Mine are grown now and they compassionate adults and awesome parents themselves. When I was battling severe panic they would be my cheerleaders rooting me on. Your a great mom! Hugs from me!

[BlueInanna]

Aww (((((Mary))))) i have been in that same place too! you are not a failure! you have beautiful love for you kids, your babies obviously mean the world to you. it is draining being a mom, i have 3 also. even harder when we're battling bipolar depression - it's a serious battle!! take it easy on yourself, try to be gentle on yourself while you're getting better. get as much rest as you can. i'm glad you're here, the other moms here have helped me so much when i've been going through hell.

[BNLsMOM]

I have gone through the same feeling that you have. I have even made lots of mistakes like being so depressed that I sleep right through lunch and forget to feed my kids. (ages 10 and 5) They are OK and we all know we love each other, they forgive me and now the 10 year old even helps out by being in charge of lunch if I need him to. My T tells me constantly that I am a good mother and that even in the face of my disorder that I have never put them in danger and that it is obvious that I love them and want the best for them.

[treehugger727]

Originally Posted by genetic

Failures, Mary, don't give a hoot about how their children are. You're not a failure at all.

Genetic is so right, not a failure. Genetic usually has some words of wisdon, I think I am going to ask for that food mes, too. Can't hurt. I love me some dopamine...

Mary, you are in a rough patch right now. I know it is hard but I believe in you and know you can do it. Hang in there, momma.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm with Genetic and everyone saying you're not a failure or a bad mother. If you were a bad mother you wouldn't care. When your daughter opens the door her mom is there even if mom is depressed. Just because treatment has failed you doesn't mean you have failed your kids.

I have been there, too. Fighting against the depression for my kids. My fuel for the fight comes in knowing that if I lay down, then my babies will have empty bellies. Since I've been there myself it lights a fire in me. Even if I can't fight for me, I can do it for them.

[Mary73]

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words! My children a lot of times do understand and even try to help me. It's so easy to compare ourselves to that soccer mom that is running around doing everything...when I'm having trouble getting dinner on the table. I DID do it last night though. It was just pasta alfredo but somehow I pushed through. Even while being emotionally tormented by a man that is soon to be my ex husband. This has just emotionally made things so much harder though. He's been a huge help with my kids but at the same time provokes me trying to push my bipolar buttons. He's a real control freak. I guess this is just a season of change and of letting go. I do see my psychiatrist today and will find out if I can get my meds adjusted. Feels like none of them are working. I really do appreciate each and every one of your supportive comments! I needed them so much!