Hi. First off, I’m not one to diagnose myself. I hate it when people do that, but I’m just so mentally exhausted that I need answers. Please don’t think I’m over-reacting either. I am a teenager (15) but I don’t want to seem whiny or obnoxious.

My Doctor said I have OCD, depression, psychosis and mental disturbance, but never really listens to me and I feel like I’m on my own. He treats me like a naïve little kid who can’t understand anything but I’d rather have the brutal honesty than a bittersweet lie. I don’t have a therapist/psychiatrist or anything like that. I used to be with a psychosis intervention team but they sort of disappeared and didn’t even believe in mental illness and were really unprofessional so we just left them. I take sertraline/Zoloft but I’m coming off them (I don’t really think I’m ready though).
I won’t go into details (everything started when I was seven) so I’ll just state the recent things (12 months up to now).

I have periods when I’m in this dark tunnel. Like nothing good will ever happen again, I’m worthless and I hate myself and everything around me basically. I withdraw myself and become paranoid of everyone around me. I’ve always been paranoid but people comment on my irrational thoughts and how I seem “out of it” and am just staring around the room. I get really cold with people, even those I love and would never want to hurt but it’s like I forget myself and don’t care about anything. I hate everything I liked and become pessimistic. I am very aggressive (another thing people comment on) and I start arguments for fun. I get very hot-headed, defensive and angry. I can go into blind rages when I just get so much energy that I have to take it out on things or myself (hurting myself). Small things trigger this, more so when I’m in a really irritable mood. I get really depressed and lose all of my motivation, so I’m just a shadow who can’t do personal hygiene because I don’t see the point. I’m just always living inside my head. I find it hard to concentrate and focus and make decisions whereas when I feel “high” I am so confident and sure of myself. I feel like nobody understands me or my way of thinking and they’re talking about me behind my back and are doing things to hurt me.

When I’m not in these periods I’m enthusiastic, eccentric, loud, optimistic and high basically. I can have loads to say and will stumble over my words a lot. It’s like there’s a TV on inside my head and I can’t stop thinking. I don’t need sleep (whereas when I’m depressed I can sleep for ages and still feel tired) and just have LOADS of energy. I end up having to exercise multiple times a day (I burn off a lot of weight doing this) because I can’t sit still. Either way I feel trapped; when I’m depressed because I’m stuck in this deep dark hole and when I’m euphoric because I feel like nobody can keep up with me. They see me as annoying in periods like this. I have psychosis also so I have delusions and hallucinations.

These moods cycle; sometimes I can go days, weeks or months with feeling depressed and then suddenly I’ll get “bursts” or euphoria where I’m unstoppable and determined. These can last days and weeks too, but with periods of aggression and agitation. Then I’ll crash and it’ll start again.

By the way (and because my doctor asks me this) I have never done drugs or alcohol.

I've only windered about bipolar because my dr brought it up and people keep commenting on my moods.

[roads]

Hi, WelcomeToTheJungle. I'm bipolar II, which is a form of the bipolar disorder that doesn't have such a strong manic dimension. My problems started when I was 8 yrs old.

The tunnel you describe is so familiar--I've wandered in it for eternities, it's seemed. The times when I've known that my best times are behind me, that nothing good it ahead ... Oh yes. As you say, "aggressive .... very hot-headed, defensive and angry." All of those are me. I wasn't paranoid and didn't SI, but my motivation could vanish for everything for months on end--parents, teachers, and friends would beg me to do things and offer incentives ... but I didn't care about anything or any of them.

It hurt to see what pain I caused, yet at the same time I was curiously unaffected to do anything about it. My "cycle" to another mood was to "hypomania"--I had more energy, but not loads of it. Sometimes I would simply become irritable. I've never experienced full-blown mania.

I'm not psychiatrist, and I do know that other conditions closely resemble bipolar disorder. Your description of what you go through, through, certainly suggests you need to be considered as a possible candidate. That you suffer from some type of depression I think is quite certain.

I hope you can find a diagnosing psychiatrist quickly. Many effective treatments are available. Since I finally began getting proper treatment, I'm a new person ... living a 95+% normal life now.

Roadie

I just hope that for your sake, it's not bp. We sure would welcome you to this jungle, I just would not wish this one anyone.