[BNLsMOM]

It is about 11pm here on the east coast of the US and I need some people who are online to stay up with me. I can't sleep and my husband fell asleep on me.

We had a long talk about our relationship and I still have the feeling he doesn't love me. Actions speak louder than words, and in our case action is no action.

I love him and I want to have another child with him, but I was thinking about it today and I am afraid to bring another child into a relationship as tenuous as ours.

I want him to love me. I am certain that he doesn't feel like he is in love with me. I think he loves me the way someone would love a distant cousin. He has to because he said he would. Maybe I am all the way up to friend status, but I am not at wife status.

I am so sad. I want to go away so that he can be free of me. I must be such an emotional burden to him with my illness and the harpie it can turn me into. We can't have another baby. Thank God I am realizing this now, rather than after I got pregnant.

I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen and got a knife which I ran across my arm. It didn't cut me, but I have a little puffiness there. I want to go and make myself bleed and let all of this feeling out. I think if the skin could break, the bad feelings and thoughts would escape me like a poison gas and I will live. Otherwise I think I might just die. I just don't have the guts to do it. I am afraid that I will, and that I might mess up because I don't know how much pressure to apply.

Stop. You are at wife status. I don't know the details of your relationship but I think I can safely say I've been where you're at. So you've got issues. Your relationship has issues. No mtter what, it's not worth it to hurt yourself and please don't think about that. Think about what you really want. A baby? What can you guys do to make that happen? To be in a better place, a better relationship. Think about that. And don't assume he doesn't love you. He may have a different way of showing it. He may not show it much at all. I don't know what else to say but I hope you stop thinking about SI. When I do, I obsess about it and all it does is make me even more depressed, so please stop. I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.

[BlueInanna]

Oh geez BNLs big hugs, please don't hurt yourself. It will just cause more problems you don't need. I'm here. I'm west coast. I'll be up for a few more hours.
How is your raw food thing going? Are you still going strong with it?

So with your husband, how is your interaction, do you ever do things together? Maybe a date night would help?

[BNLsMOM]

I'm not at wife status. He doesn't share anything with me, we have been in counseling, at my urging, for 4 years and we aren't any better. The last time we were intimate was 6 months ago and before that it was three years. He acts like it is a bother to be around me and any time I want to discuss anything, he either won't discuss it or ends up angry with me and raises his voice. He doesn't feel emotionally safe with me. I tell him that I love him and that I would never hurt him or mock his emotions, but it doesn't help. He keeps saying that he is working on it, but what that means is that he is avoiding it and wants me to shut up. The relief is palpable, when I stop talking. Usually I don't burden him with too many questions so it's not like he is being barraged with nonstop questioning. When I tell him my needs, he gets angry and starts saying things against himself like, "I suck." I tell him that I am not trying to hurt him, but that I am expressing what I need. Usually if I feel like SI, I get embarrassed and don't tell anyone for days. Tonight I told him right away that I felt like SI, and he asked what he could do. I asked if he could stay up with me. He said he would try and 5 minutes later, he was snoring and sound asleep. Actions speak louder than words.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Oh geez BNLs big hugs, please don't hurt yourself. It will just cause more problems you don't need. I'm here. I'm west coast. I'll be up for a few more hours.
How is your raw food thing going? Are you still going strong with it?

So with your husband, how is your interaction, do you ever do things together? Maybe a date night would help?

The raw food thing is OK. I have had a hard time with it over the last couple of days, but I start every day with lemon water and a green smoothie. My new Vitamix came the other day so I made soup last night and a smoothie this morning. It came with a recipe book/binder, so I can put together a meal plan using the book. I have other recipes that a friend emailed so I can print those out and keep them in the binder.

I have been so exhausted these last few days and I think I am entering a depression. It sucks because I was going to talk to my pdoc about going off meds (damn side effects) but now I am sure she will want me to stay on the meds.

[BNLsMOM]

I just went back in the kitchen and ran the knife across my arm again. This time it just broke a bit of skin and is bleeding the tiniest bit.

Should I go wake up my husband or wait to see my T in the morning? I have an appointment at 9.

Everyone is going to be so disappointed in me. I was doing so well until now.

[BlueInanna]

Yea, now does not sound like a good time to change meds. Take it slow and easy. You do sound like depression coming on, but maybe that won't be the outcome if you take care, nurting self, talking to friends/us/pdoc. Maybe you can avoid that depression from fully coming on.

The green smoothie sounds great. Is it veggies, or like spirulina? I got my daughter a seaweed salad from the sushi place today. She hasn't eaten it yet and I want it.

Your husband... ugh... how old are the kids? boys right? He sounds so emotional-avoidant. My bf is like this. And that's exactly like our relationship, he will be snoring 5 minutes after if I said I need help, life at risk even. He just always sticks to this schedule, and I'm jealous of how he does it. And he makes crappy comments like, "We have different schedules, you like to stay up all night, I can't do that, I'm a working man." What a prick right, I do like the night, but it's also that I just can't sleep a lot of the time, and then there's the waking up I just can't always do. I have a really hard time keeping any schedule. And the sex, I guess I'm lucky that I got the 2 minute session a month ago, before that was about 3 months. I think I know why I stay in it, it's because he's so stable and boring, and I think I need this stability.

[BlueInanna]

no knives!! Stay out of the kitchen!! If you aren't safe for yourself you do need to wake him up and get help!!

[BNLsMOM]

Green smoothie: Almond milk, ice, banana, pineapple or dates, baby spinach or kale or both, blend till smooth.

My boys are 10 and 5.

[BNLsMOM]

I am scared to wake him up. I think he is going to just be angry with me. I am going to go wake him anyway, or at least get back into bed. I am not safe down here alone.

I have no plans for suicide, so if I don't check in it means I either went back to bed or had to go to the hospital or something. I'll check in when I can.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm awake. will be for hours stay out of the kitchen and with us.

[BlueInanna]

Hope you're getting some sleep, we do need it (they say).
Thank you for being safe! You're boys must be awesome, I love those ages.

[BNLsMOM]

About to leave for T appointment.

[hamster-bamster]

BNLsMOM, I have never done SI but I have a really bad scratch on my forearm from my troubled foster cat Maddy. It is many months old and the scar does not fade away. I gather you can end up with a stubborn scar that would not fade away if you cut. You really do not want that, do you?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

BNLsMOM, I have never done SI but I have a really bad scratch on my forearm from my troubled foster cat Maddy. It is many months old and the scar does not fade away. I gather you can end up with a stubborn scar that would not fade away if you cut. You really do not want that, do you?

Moreover, imagine a hypothetical scenario: you get a new man and are not ready to disclose your dx to him. How would you explain the scars? He is going to notice! If you do not have scars, then thinking about SI is something you can choose not to disclose. Having choices is a good thing.

[Victoria'smom]

How did it go?

[BlueInanna]

yes, how did it go with T?

[BNLsMOM]

I am sorry i didn't update before. I have been having a hard time and I was really busy so not on the computer much.

I went to my T last week and we decided I should be evaluated by a crisis center so I went there and the guy was such an ***. He basically called me a two year old and that I was having a temper tantrum. His suggestions were stupid so I said no to all of them. I got him to call the ER and let them know I was on my way. So I went to the ER and they didn't think I had to be admitted, so I was sent home with the suggestion of going to a partial day program. I had to jump through hoops to get into that program because I had to do it myself. I had to see my p-doc and my regular doc, who I think is inept. I will start the program tomorrow.

I have definitely fallen into a depression and I have finally admitted out loud to my T that I am angry at so many things, people and myself. In fact, I hate myself and I have since I was a little kid.

[BNLsMOM]

Awesome. I love how no one responded. Screw me. Really. Other people are away from the site for a few days and everyone asks if they are OK. Not me. Goes to show my worth. Thank you for being so honest.

[Victoria'smom]

I just got on I'm sorry. I'm glad your in a partial day program but it sucks that neither the crisis center or the ER would take you seriously. Can you change your pdoc and gp to an intelligent one? You do matter to this community.

[hamster-bamster]

I just set up my internet connection - sorry.

[BNLsMOM]

I'm sorry for my temper tantrum. I hope I am still welcome here. If not, I understand.

[Anika.]

You know what BNLsMOM, do not worry about it! I didn't see the update to this thread, sometimes there are a lot of threads and they get pushed to the second page. I don't have any real experience with self harm so I never really know what to say, and then I fear I will say the wrong thing and push the person further, which would be worse.

My heart aches for you right now. You are very much cared about here, please don't think otherwise. You've been here a long time, and people do think of you, I can even remember a long time ago, last year, when I thought your avatar was something completely different and you said it was hair! And I thought wow. I remember your threads about your kids, your struggles, your husband. You are important here, so don't doubt it please.

We all go through times where stuff is really just not ok, it's ok. You would always be welcome here.

I can't say how much I hope things will get better for you. All I can do is send all the positive thoughts I can muster. If I could help you in real life and give you a real hug I would. You need real friends right now, and I know you have some here, tho it's not always enough through a screen.

[BlueInanna]

Hey BNLs I have thought of you, and wondered where you were. I should've spoken up I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally, I had some bad things happen and son was hospitalized. I haven't felt like myself, I'm still kind of barely functioning. You are cared for here. Like Anika's saying, I would give a real hug if I could.

Day program sounds great, I've thought of doing one too. I'm glad you're doing it and hope you're feeling a little or a lot better.