[LiteraryLark]

I work as a mentor at an elementary school. When I was home alone for a week while my family was at Disneyland last week, I began crying in front of parents and pushed my coworkers out of the way when they tried to hug me and stormed off. Then on Monday, I became frustrated and was rude to my superior and ignored her when she tried to help.

She talked to me yesterday about my behavior and told me she was concerned about the safety of the kids, then later at the end of the work day I spent a half hour with her talking with her about my mood swings (she knows I am bipolar and she is bipolar as well) as well as my struggles with communication (I've never been in a job where I've communicated with coworkers and in high school I had difficulties making and keeping friends.)

I won't be able to see a counselor until November 5th, and my pdoc is on vacation/sick leave until December and the temporary pdoc told me that because antidepressants caused my last manic episode, there is nothing she can do about my depression other than to eat healthy, exercise, and see a counselor.

My parents told me my meds aren't supposed to make me numb and that there are times when I am supposed to feel depressed, but my depression is so severe it is affecting my work and relationships and I've been having thoughts of injuring myself (which I haven't done since high school).

I know communication is going to be the hardest for me to deal with as well as depression, but I don't know how to keep my emotions under control. My thoughts have been so brutally harsh and critical and I wish I could make it stop. It's constant criticism on my struggle just to perform the bare minimum and put on a happy face when it comes so easily to my other coworkers who have their own struggles and can go above and beyond. I've never worked with kids before and I love my job, but I don't know how to show that I am capable of doing my job. I don't know what to do I feel so lost.