Whats up with me?

I put the trigger sign on just incase anyone gets upset.


Ok latley i have been down. I started cutting again and feel like crap. I talked to one of my friends today on how i feel. My friend is not answering his fone and i start thinking that he is not answering cause of me. That i did something yesterday and now he is mad. My friend keeps reassuring me that its not me but i dont beleive her. I think he is mad at me. a bug just crawled down my screen. :0 Ok well im started to feel really bad now. Like cutting bad. So my mind is just stuck on what i possibly did to make him upset. And my friend sees the feelings i have on my face. Well at around 10 i decide to go home. I stopped at another friends house and i call him again just to wish him a good nite thinking i will get the machine like allways and then he answers. I asked him whats he up to and why hasnt he answered me. He said he has not been feeling good and all. I told him oh i thought you where mad at me or something. He said nothing. Then i said well i called to wish you a good night. He said good night and hung up. I still feel like he is mad at me cause he said nothing when i told him how i felt. Maybe i should do him a favor and vanish from his life. This is by no means a suicide note. But i feel so vulnrable and alone. I think it is me that is bothering him. I want him to be happy. Maybe me going away would do that. I mean he deserves more than me. Im just a fat ugly psycho and he is a hot beautiful guy. I dont deserve a guy like him. I deserve no guy. My mood is so unsteady right now im just thinking about throwing in the towel and quit all my meds. They dont work anyway. No one can help me i guess.

Sorry for this post being long.. and thanks for listening to my rants.

part of the disease that we have it fixating on ourselves. believing that everything that happens is about us. it isn't. your friend has just as much right to have problems as you do.

it could be anything that is bothering him. it doesn't have to be you. perhaps he's worried about a family member, another friend, money, who knows?

pushing him to tell you will probably only cause retreat. give yourself a break and let him have some space.

take a walk and get your mind some fresh air. i don't know how old you are, but step away from the computer, phone and t.v. and get out of the house. live in the moment. you'll be surprised what will happen in the future, if you'll just let the past go.

pat

Pat, just made some good points here, and I agree, about your and your relationship with your friend.
I'd like to add,that the cutting thing is really not a Bipolar thing, perhaps posting on the self-injury forum, you may get more replies,though welcomed of course, to post here, at the Bipolar forum.
If you are feeling so low, and/or cutting, it is within your best interest to take this up with your pdoc, or anyone in the mental health profession.
I hope all works out for you.
Take care now,
DE