Whats up with me?

I put the trigger sign on just incase anyone gets upset.


Ok latley i have been down. I started cutting again and feel like crap. I talked to one of my friends today on how i feel. My friend is not answering his fone and i start thinking that he is not answering cause of me. That i did something yesterday and now he is mad. My friend keeps reassuring me that its not me but i dont beleive her. I think he is mad at me. a bug just crawled down my screen. :0 Ok well im started to feel really bad now. Like cutting bad. So my mind is just stuck on what i possibly did to make him upset. And my friend sees the feelings i have on my face. Well at around 10 i decide to go home. I stopped at another friends house and i call him again just to wish him a good nite thinking i will get the machine like allways and then he answers. I asked him whats he up to and why hasnt he answered me. He said he has not been feeling good and all. I told him oh i thought you where mad at me or something. He said nothing. Then i said well i called to wish you a good night. He said good night and hung up. I still feel like he is mad at me cause he said nothing when i told him how i felt. Maybe i should do him a favor and vanish from his life. This is by no means a suicide note. But i feel so vulnrable and alone. I think it is me that is bothering him. I want him to be happy. Maybe me going away would do that. I mean he deserves more than me. Im just a fat ugly psycho and he is a hot beautiful guy. I dont deserve a guy like him. I deserve no guy. My mood is so unsteady right now im just thinking about throwing in the towel and quit all my meds. They dont work anyway. No one can help me i guess.

Sorry for this post being long.. and thanks for listening to my rants.