[tnlibrarian]

My husband and I were talking earlier about the fact that the mania has stopped and I have crashed. Big time. It's like a black hole was waiting and I was sucked right in.

The result is the suicidal thoughts are starting to be a bit more than fleeting. The main one is I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of being okay for awhile and then manic or depressed or both. I'm tired of hallucinations and feeling like I'm a pain in the rear end or a worry.

My husbands response to any negative thought I have is "Just don't think those kinds of thoughts. Make yourself stop." I responded with, "You mean the way you make yourself stop thinking about cars or sex?" He said nothing.

It got me to thinking---can you just will yourself to not think certain things? I know diet, exercise, herbs etc help but beyond that--can you make yourself just not have suicidal or any other negative thoughts?

[LucyG]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and hope you get feeling better some.

You list that you take Ativan, is that right? If so, it has suicide ideation as a side-effect. Here's a blurb from an article on Ativan from WebMD listing the side-effects:

What are the possible side effects of lorazepam (Ativan)?

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.
Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

• confusion, depressed mood, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself;
• hyperactivity, agitation, hostility;
• hallucinations; or
• feeling light-headed, fainting

Here's a link to the article:

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/drug-...article_em.htm

I was on klonopin for years, and my depression was always there just below the surface. I was on the regular BP meds for it without minimal success. I went off everything, but because of a crazy sleep disorder, I decided to go back on klonopin after being off it about 9 or 10 months. Within 3 days I couldn't stop crying even though nothing was really wrong, and then the suicidal thoughts started where I was actually giving serious thought to killing myself which is totally unlike me. This went on for almost 3 weeks until I remembered my sister telling me something about meds causing anxiety. I decided to google klonopin and suicide ideation, and sure enough, there it was along with depression. I went off it and within 3 days, my mood had returned to normal. I would have believed this could happen if I hadn't experienced it first hand. Might be worth thinking about.......

[~Christina]

Everyone has negative thoughts at times, Bipolar or not. Of course when they are in the extreme that needs to be dealt with. I personally don't think you can just "will it away" If that was possible everyone would do it. I do believe that for me it takes a combination of Medication, Sleep, Meditation and Mindfullness.

[Confusedinomicon]

It may mean that you're taking too much medication of something. Or that you haven't been taking the medication properly. It's important that you take medication as prescribed because there are withdrawals, even from missing one dose.

Have you started the inpatient/outpatient program?

The biggest thing is getting outside and doing an activity. Is there any way you can have your husband/children go on walks with you or something?

I think Lucy is right and I also think a therapist would help a lot.

[hamster-bamster]

Well you can start switching your thoughts from suicidality to sex, but if it does not work, you need a med adjustment. Why do you take Ativan - you have never posted about anxiety? If Ativan causes suicidality, try going without it - I bet it is a PRN, right? Ativan is an optional medication, unlike, say, Geodon. You do not have to take it every day for it to be effective when it is needed (I never saw anything good come from Ativan - nothing bad, either, to give it its due).