[mojave_rose8]

This might be brief because I am running late (always!).

During much of my 20s, I struggled with compliance. Instead of taking my meds, I did everything I WASN’T supposed to do – I didn’t keep regular sleep hours, I ate terribly, and I smoked cigarettes; worse, I drank to intoxication nearly daily for years, and then got involved with cocaine. In my early twenties, I bounced in and out of psych units. And – worst of all – I hardly ever took my medication.

Now, I am close to thirty. I stopped drinking, smoking, and using street drugs. I try to get to bed and wake up at normal hours. I am active (I walk 4 miles a day, not including walking to classes). I am a vegetarian and am aware of what I am eating (no fast food, which I used to eat daily). Most importantly, I keep all my therapy appointments and am 100% compliant with my medication.

And, this past month, I have been an utter wreck. Moods swinging, sleeping 15 hours a day to escape the depression, lonely, isolated, self-loathing, despairing (not suicidal, thankfully), ashamed … etc.

And do you know what? I feel utterly responsible. Why? Because I am pretty much doing everything I am capable of to manage my illness. And – it’s not enough. So, in my mind, I feel responsible. If I was doing more, I wouldn’t be depressed. Eating a little better. Trying a little harder in therapy. Getting to bed a little earlier.

Whether or not this is true, objectively, I feel like it’s the logical extension of having “YOU HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR ILLNESS” screamed at me for all those years.

You’re depressed? Well, manage your illness better.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by mojave_rose8

This might be brief because I am running late (always!).

During much of my 20s, I struggled with compliance. Instead of taking my meds, I did everything I WASN’T supposed to do – I didn’t keep regular sleep hours, I ate terribly, and I smoked cigarettes; worse, I drank to intoxication nearly daily for years, and then got involved with cocaine. In my early twenties, I bounced in and out of psych units. And – worst of all – I hardly ever took my medication.

Now, I am close to thirty. I stopped drinking, smoking, and using street drugs. I try to get to bed and wake up at normal hours. I am active (I walk 4 miles a day, not including walking to classes). I am a vegetarian and am aware of what I am eating (no fast food, which I used to eat daily). Most importantly, I keep all my therapy appointments and am 100% compliant with my medication.

And, this past month, I have been an utter wreck. Moods swinging, sleeping 15 hours a day to escape the depression, lonely, isolated, self-loathing, despairing (not suicidal, thankfully), ashamed … etc.

And do you know what? I feel utterly responsible. Why? Because I am pretty much doing everything I am capable of to manage my illness. And – it’s not enough. So, in my mind, I feel responsible. If I was doing more, I wouldn’t be depressed. Eating a little better. Trying a little harder in therapy. Getting to bed a little earlier.

Whether or not this is true, objectively, I feel like it’s the logical extension of having “YOU HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR ILLNESS” screamed at me for all those years.

You’re depressed? Well, manage your illness better.

Instead of beating yourself up, why not notify the prescriber that whatever meds he or she has put you on are not working - you are still symptomatic.

[LucyG]

I know what you mean.

Besides having bipolar, I've had adrenal issues for over 30 years than involve horrific insomnia and fatigue. I've done everything humanly possible to help myself, and while it's helped, it hasn't solved the problems. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do my part, but beyond that, I'm working on realizing I can't control what I can't control like various systems in my body.

All you can do is your best at managing your BP, and when your mood shifts, accept that it happened because you have an illness, not because you're a bad person.