[canacrip]

Just wrote a great post and it went away. I was so clear and I feel anything but. I hope I can do it again. It was hard. This may not be the appropriate forom, but I am BP and this effects that big time.

I have a good friend my wife hates and feels insanely jealous of. I don't get it. She says it's about boundaries, but the only boundaries I see being violated are ours when she wants to obsess on this ****. She says we "seek each other out". We text once a day to see if the other is going to the dog park because I live close by and she hates being there alone. We are friends. We do care about each other, but that is it. She is married (happily) and, until recently, I was happy too.

I got to the point a few months ago where I tried to kill myself because I couldn't take the pressure any longer. This friend was there with me the whole week after my brother died. She did not want me to be alone. She didn't give platitudes, ask how I feel, invade my space, or anything like that. She just cared that I was alright and kept kleenex for me. It was one of the kindest, most thoughtful amazing things anyone has ever done for me. Of course she's my friend! That is who she is and I like that about her. She is special, in her own ways. She also has ways that make people completely nuts. Do I love her? Absolutely. Deeply. Does that mean I "want her"? No. First, she is married and second, we'd kill each other. I know that. I like where we are just fine. It's a good, comfortable place to be.

We've cut back the texting. We don't see each other as much. I haven't seen her in a week. Still, my whole day revolves around this thing. One person hears one thing and the other hears something else. My wife decided to contact my friend in an attempt to "seek friendship", but she comes on so strong that my friend feels attacked. My friend has no filters and tells my wife what for. Unfortunately, what she said was grounded much more firmly in reality than what my wife was saying.

I want to be on my wife's side, but she's making it very hard. I called my friend a few minutes ago and told her we have to be history. At least for now and I am so sad about that. It's like this sadness will never end and tomorrow it will just be some other god-damned thing. I can't take any more. It is so hard to get out of bed. I don't eat. I wake up to a sunny day and it's the last thing I want to see. I don't want to leave the house.

I'm trying to find a med that works right now. Kinda hit a wall there. I was trying to quit smoking. There has been nothing but unrelenting stress since I returned from the hospital. People say I should leave my wife, others say she should leave me and yet (my friend and her husband among them, a testament to her character) others are frantically urging us to work it out.

It will work out. Somehow. It's what I do in the meantime because I am at my end. There is nothing left in me. I've been having panic attacks and things happen that never have before, like my mind shutting down because I can't think past the actual static and voices popping out of it telling me the most absurd things and telling me to do equally absurd things. I have a friend who jumped off a bridge two days after I returned from the hospital and I think of joining her. I am really out of gas. This is almost as sad as I've ever felt and I can't even cry. The only thing I feel is desparation, fear and to just not be anymore. I'm so damned tired!

[Moose72]

I read your entire post. That must be difficult, confusing and sad.

If you're hearing commanding voices you should call the psych ER. My pdoc told me this in the last week and I trust her.

[canacrip]

Thanks for your reply. I have been feeling so alone with this. It's nice to feel some support. I see my tdoc tomorrow, so I'm not to worried about that right now. Thank you, though, for the advice. I thought about it and chickened out. If that happens again and I don't have an appt. right away, I will do that.

If you're hearing commanding voices you should call the psych ER. My pdoc told me this in the last week and I trust her.

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[Moose72]

Sometimes the psych ER will have a nurse talk to you for a few. That's helped me and saved me an ER trip. . I hope you can ignore the voices and get a good night's rest.

[canacrip]

Fortunately, I understood they weren't real in anyway and therefore, ridiculous. That didn't last long. What bothered me was that I couldn't think through, or around it. Weird. Like I said, though, it's passed for now.

[Moose72]

I have always been able to see my way through mental checks. If they're left go, that might cease.

[BlueInanna]

I hope you are ok Cana