intimacy....and the lonely illness

....yeah well I blow my heart out on here with my keyboard and I expect... and I am witness to many others doing the same.

going on a bit now it's obvious to me the biggest killer here is the absence of human touch.

and I'm not talking about 'here' anymore...it's the REAL LIFE...we always alude to and there is often for many of us nobody to comfort us...

...and the drift is magnificent in it's entirety and enormous in it's effect...
fulfilled in it's thoroughness...complete in it's expanse...the drift.

when it becomes impossible to comprehend the touch the beautiful real and abstract love of another skin made absent by permanent emotional dementia it's insane personal brutality where is the recovery from such starvation?

the self horrific denies any intimate conclusion...so embattled now terrified manifestation of flesh in perpetual angst!

as so many disregard the granted and so many less regard the emptiness.

what a terrible terrible thing I am perplexed damaged just writing this because I speak here about myself I cannot move! and even if I could it would not be noticed seen observed assimilated by another soul in the deep study of singular caress!

...alone...

and I aint' even got to the illness yet...the cause!... the universe of the sufferer.

it's surely worse in total isolation...where a relationship with reality develops and soon establishes a discourse unrelenting and from which divorce is impossible and only breaking up with 'yourself' works out ....and badly for both me and 'it' that was there..

I'm scared that I'm too far gone ...anyone with intense mental energy might agree and anyone with worse emotional energy will just headbutt me...

it doesn't take long to forget what it's like to be comforted...to be held.

I'm scared it's gone too long....I can't even hug my mum right...and she is the sweetest little woman I know....

I can tap out the marvelous and the astonishing....but!

I'm just a terrified man for real....a mood swinging nightmare!