Know it's irrational but...

I'm done

**** it I'm done. I don't like being stable, doubt this is stable. I can't get use to this. No more meds, no more therapy, just me on my swing! Anyone that want's to ride with me and my violence is welcome but I'm done.

Yes we have a house, food, electric and water but I have no more relationships to anyone! I'm sick of being a parent to my husband. Trying to get him up and to shower once a week. I almost feel like a hateful room mate around him. I have no idea how to be a ****ing parent like this. People IRL are talking **** about us pushing our “responsibilities” (our son) on to others. It's only a matter of time until he overhears them and thinks we don't care. I can't spend holidays with my family. Bursting into tears isn't appropriate when the use hostile humor is the way your family interacts.

AD's aren't working and the ones that do I can't be on due to co-morbid issues or my jaw starts locking. I miss the adrenaline. I miss the powerful feeling. I miss days having far more hours then they should.

I don't want new meds, I've cycled through all the weight neutral drugs. I wont go back on them. I tried again and I'm done! I'd rather be small and have relationships than sane. Pdoc & T can't even agree on what I have!! I don't even know if I'm still considered BPI. I give.

Not thinkin' what you are describing is "stable". You DO have a son who, I'm sorry, but you DO have to factor him into the equation. Until he is out of the house, his well-being has to come into play, and stability and sanity in his parents IS what he needs, particularly since he fights his own issues. Choosing instability and insanity just doesn't seem like a great parenting decision much less a sound personal decision. Slow down, get some space from your family if that is what is setting you off, and take the responsible road. Yes, sometimes making responsible decisions feels boring, but that's the way life is sometimes.

I honestly feel I was / am a better, more involved parent off drugs. I've always been a more up than down gal. Yes financially we were worse but my relationships were stronger. I'm 1000x more sensitive so being a care giver to my husband, and dealing with family I don't feel I'm strong enough for. I doubt I'll ever be strong enough stable. How do I slow down? I feel like being medicated is costing me my family and friends. Doesn't my son and husband deserve the best even if it's un-medicated?

hang on in their, we would sure miss you if you wern't around

Hmm MM, I hear you on the med bit... totally do. However this choice I think needs clear planning. Throwing the meds out rashly will probably not go so well. I understand your frustration so much. I agree with farmergirl you need to slow this train down a bit.

Maybe you can make a list of what MM looks like on meds, and what MM looks like off meds. What is going to work where? How would you cope without meds when **** hits the fan, when manic, when depressed? What would you do if you got into a bad mixed episode? These are pretty important questions to know the answers too. What about your ED, how is that intertwined with your moods? The bipolar swings can surely set that on fire, at least for me. Do you get psychosis? How would that be handled if you do? What would you do to help from the episodes happening in the first place?

I think maybe what you should look at as an option is not no meds and insane, or meds and messed up. What about stable.. I mean you can get stable and not have meds.. or at least shoot for that? It beats no meds and insane. But it needs to be well thought out, a plan, safety nets, skills and tools, how are you going to keep the functions functioning? You do have a son so that is pretty important for his sake. It can be done, but the how's got to happen first, not after.

I don't think this sounds like stable either right now, even you said you doubt it is. You said you can't have relationships like this, but didn't exactly say what is going on in there.

Maybe your husband can care take himself for a bit, or at least more than he is at the moment.. that is probably one possibility. What about a little distance from the family that seems to be causing soo much stress?

hang in there, I know.. I didn't like that life either. But there has to be a way to do this that is going to have a better outcome then rushing into this is likely to give you. I really don't want to see anything happen to you... that much is certain!!!

Ad Infinitum

This living, this living, this living..was always a project of mine

MM also please consider this... Yes making a plan and honing the right tools and skills for you, maybe even some healing takes time, maybe more time than you want to give. Ditching the meds quickly is fast yes. However ditching the meds quickly also might leave you right back on them in say a week to a few months. Where the time and careful planning might make this successful for a long time to come.

The fast route , you will probably feel just as crappy as you do now, or worse off. The slow road might land you better than you have ever been before. Which outcome looks more appealing?

You know, I ditched my meds at least 20 times and every time gave me terrrible results. I finally decided to get smart about this and yes it took a lot of work and time. But I am more stable and content than I ever have been. I have some stuff here and there, but it's usually life stuff, not bipolar stuff. The saying slow and steady wins the race.. Does have some truth to it, that's why it was said.

Ad Infinitum

This living, this living, this living..was always a project of mine

yeah thats full on!

AD's gave me memories I can't occupy no more...too psychotic...

When you are unstable, aren't you unable to care for your son to the point of having to send him to a relative to be cared for? I would think enough stability to be able to remain together as a family would be a goal for you. The separations due to the instability are eventually going to take a toll on your son and your whole family.

I feel like butting in,and I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Miguel has been going to his cousin when MM and husband are both depressed and non-functioning. Which has been on the increase since taking meds.... MM if your hugest bipolar backlash is money, you dont have to use drugs to keep you from spending. There are practical safety nets for that. Buuut I agree 100% with Anika, slow and steady is how you want to approach this, IF you so choose. Bcoz by the time you are weened off,you have different tools

I agree with some what has been said here. Whatever you do, don't quit abruptly, as these things do create dependency and on and off approach is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

work on your coping tools, roadblocks to crazy... and then decide what you want and can do.

yes, it will be more intense... but for some "my crazy" my be better then "medicated crazy".

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE

My point is that instability hasn't worked well in the long-run. She may miss the highs and the mood changes and emotionalism, but she's not remembering the problems and the separations that went along with the instability. (That's not uncommon for those of us with bipolar; we all know that.) Rather than longing for instability, which is what she originally posted about, it would seem best to find stability (in whatever form and by whatever means it takes, and yes, if she is stable off meds, that's great) so that the whole family can benefit from that stability.

She's unstable now too, how is it different? Coz its FDA approved? Anyway, who said unmedicated equates instability? Nobody posted in favour of instability...

I think it comes down to how you define stability. See, I don't think "missing the highs" is irrational and horrible. Tom Wotton once compared it to "well, here's your racing car, but you are not allowed to ride it". If one can learn how to cope with the highs and lows... that that is the winning solution.

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE

Reread my post. You're missing my saying stability can come with or without meds. The OP posted in favour of instability when she stated: "I don't like being stable" and " I'd rather be small and have relationships than sane". I just don't think, as a parent, that shooting for instability and insanity is a luxury a parent really has. I completely understand her thinking, but even she titled her post, "Know it's irrational but . . ." I'm simply agreeing with her title and pointing out the realities of her situation that she may be wanting to ignore but probably needs to keep in mind before she makes a rash decision that could cause larger problems.

Missing my emotionality led to me quitting my meds. Over a year later and I dont see how or why my decision should be deemed irrational. It was quite rational, I felt like less of me, and refused to put up with it. You all thought I was mad at the time, even Venus but it was rational, emotional doesnt always equate irrational...

MM, I am sorry you are feeling so terrible. You sound very overwhelmed. I can understand the frustration. I hope that whatever you decide to do will be a healthy step for your family. Whether your on meds or off , you need to have a game plan,and have safety nets in place for you, your husband and son.

I hope you are feeling better soon

Again, this isn't about meds or not. This is about choosing to be unstable. I, too, am off meds and quite stable, so I'm the last person who will say you have to stay on meds to be stable. What MM needs to be sure of though is that, however she goes about it, she has the stability she needs to do whatever it is that is important in her life.

Sorry, I realise now I wasnt very clear... MM is the one who believes unmedicated equates instability, its clear in her OP, I was just trying to point out that this isnt fact. And mentioned my own experience coz my friends here also thought I was being irrational bcoz I was emotional and highly strung... Sorry again, I'm not very good at clarity today, bet it coz I'm exhausted.

MM, I know you are terrified of Lithium because you think you might gain weight, but I just want to tell you what I was size 6 on a high dose of Lithium which for me was the ideal size - I did not need to be size 0, I do not have that kind of body build, size 6 was good enough, so Lithium does not have to lead to weight gain. Lithium is not like Zyprexa.
So maybe try it for a short while and see where it takes you? What size are you now? 0? 2?

Anika- At this time I don't even know what stable looks like.

I will make a chart. I dealt with bipolar off meds for a really long time generally through sleep deprivation and ED. Which obviously isn't the healthy option. I do get psychosis but didn't learn that until my current pdoc. Before medication I was mixed, manic, or shut off. Now it's all weird, sensitive and crap.

My ED and psychosis has a lot to do with me wanting not to try more combinations. When I'm on a weight neutral AD that works you wouldn't know I had an ED. When I'm on a non-weight neutral AD that "works" I get paranoid and stop taking it. All AD's come with a high risk of psychosis when I start them and that is scary if it's not caught fast enough.

I'm always extremely sensitive and seriously do not know how to interact with my son medicated.

We talked about this last night. I made a daily schedule, self care list and Home care list. Hopefully this will help.

I have 600 mi. in between us but because of the meds I'm so **** sensitive that I can't even visit. Meaning my son's away more so he can have a relationship with family. I refuse to go there on meds.

You gave me a lot of work to do.

farmgirl- On meds and med changes. Off meds I travel with him while my husband looks for new living arrangements. I'm not the nicest to be around and snap but I am able to care for him for the basics. I do have to keep my distance with him. I'm much more able to handle his issues on medication because I'm more sensitive. However he does not know why he goes and feels he chooses to go. I'm sure I'm not remembering the problems. It's the opposite about emotions I'm to **** sensitive on these. It would seem best to find stability. Yes but how do you find stability when you've never seen it. T thinks I'm pretty stable. Pdoc keep messing with AD's. I don't know what I am but it's just not working. As a parent I do want to set the best example for my son. Especially since he has MI and chooses to take medication.

Trippin- Thank-you , I'm not use to 'less' depressed and longer cycles and it seems to make things to complicated. We live off a little less than $700 a month so even screwing up w. $10 is enormous.

Christina – Thank-you

hamster – I am terrified of lithium and any other meds that can cause weight gain. I don't have to be gaining weight to flip-out thinking I'm gaining weight. So I have no AP's. I think lamictal is actually okay. It's the stupid AD's causing problems or w. no AD I'm depressed. I went from a size 2-3 to 8-12 after having my son. Even “eating” 2-3x a week I still maintain 136 lbs (61.7 kg). I seriously can not digest 1 chicken tender in over 12 hrs (endoscopy proved it) . On AD's I eat all the time 7-8 kid type meals a day. So I'm already paranoid about gaining let alone a non-weight neutral medication.

Everyone seems to be echoing what my husband's saying. Talk to pdoc and T (they're going to say no.) My T is scared of me w/o meds. Come up with a plan and slowly, w. the help of pdoc, come off medication but prepare to go back on it if needed. :trob: I love this place. Thank-you guys!