what's true to me

the way that we fight it when we first feel it. the way that we try not to let it change who we are... how we are.... and seeing the small, almost subtle differences in the way that people are responding to us. the way that it feels like it covers everything in a blanket of emotion.... how it gets stronger and we minimize it... to the point that we are ignoring peoples comments, telling us that there is a problem. how it gets so strong and we fight it so hard that we are literally blind to everything around us until.... a moment of clarity happens and we see how bad it has gotten....

and that's when it crushes me. that's when I cry and break down, and that's when it get's really bad. the fight leaves me at that point and I am powerless. the feelings don't stop either... the kitchen table could make me cry... the blanket of emotion that covers everything around me.

it progresses quickly at this point and i fall deeper and deeper into it, until I am blind to what's around me again. not out of denial anymore, but out of giving up and not trying anymore. I can still function somewhat... but out of self loathing and self hatred. Anger and hatred are my biggest tools when this happens. it is like the only fuel I can use and it's when I self harm too.

I don't notice as much when it lets up and I am able to return to normal... it's like everytime it happens I never quite return from it and sometimes the self hate is so strong that I don't even realize that that's all that's left.

to me this is real, true depression. it's a journey and it takes some time to kick into full gear. It has to wear me out first....