[venusss]

I cannot trace back where my weirdness started.

I guess I been this way all my life. Been sent to psych eval back in kindergarden. I didn't talk with teachers and other kids and if I did, I pretended to be a rabbit. In my defense, even back then I probably only wanted to talk when there was something to talk about. And often there was nothing I wanted to talk about. Good thing that teachers (comrade teachers back then) didn't know when we I talked to people we played game called "dying" (which consisted of somebody... dying and then we made them funeral. Or we all just died).

So yes, I am morbid. I read Hiroshima Diary when I was like 11 and then was very disappointed that in physics in school we didn't learn about atomic weapons. I learned about atomic weapons much later, in university. I enjoyed it. It took me long time to realize people don't want to talk about nuclear weapons over their lunch... or simply they consider this topic freaky.I still don't get why. Fact that girls in the west take diet pills while children in Africa starve to death, or that Katy Perry is consider profound for shooting fireworks out of her tits scares me much more then the fact nuclear weapons exist.

Maybe my obsession about nukes and wars and all the bad things feeds my craziness... but I think that if I was to be happy for the price of not caring about what goes on over there... I'd be betraying myself, the humanity... I'd be selling out my soul.

Maybe being happy-happy-happy is immoral. I try to aim for "at peace", but at times I don't believe in peace. Maybe I am angry and sad for reason. Maybe it's my purpose here, to be one of the dissidents. I don't care most dissidents didn't end up well.

How much I do wanna change myself to be more... saner? Calmer? Composed? I don't know. Sometimes I feel... I don't wanna change at all. Maybe if I could switch it off for few moments. But that's what alcohol is for. They say intelligent people drink more and I am pretty sure that "I wanna a break from caring about things the world doesn't care about".

I am not sure how far I am gonna with my attitude. Not sure how I am gonna get through life. But I at least wanna stay true to myself. If nothing else.

[Clinte89]

That is true weird or not just be you that's the only way you can be happy. I have found that lieing about who I am or my weirdness I was just sad and down on myself feeling bad and etc. Do be you and enjoy your weirdness. And as much as I drink I must be a genius lol