[tototoo]

Had to flee my parents home (father, 73 is violent, either from onset of dementia or ???). Been staying there a year since coincident separation from ex, job loss, car accident, health problems, RA, lupus, more.

HS friend tried to commit suicide a month ago. He almost botched it: left ICU a week ago, coma -- seems okay, ready to try again. I want to "escape" these horrible feelings and the pain from my illnesses, but I know how easy it is to botch it and wind up in a worse place.

Staying on a friend's couch. She can be very judgmental especially about "negative" feelings, but is being fairly cool. Will be going to her family's gatherings for the holidays.

Can't stand these horrible feelings of loneliness, desperation, uselessness. Why did my life turn out this way. So want to sense "a higher power" but I get nothing.

Toto

[purpledaisy]

Would it help if you sort of stepped away from the fact that this is the holiday season and just thought of this as any other time of year?

When I've been feeling pretty bad, that has helped me. I had two holiday seasons in a row without family members and it was difficult.

I was thinking, like you, "Why did my life turn out this way?"

Christmas isn't the shiny, perfect day that the TV commercials, TV shows, and movies lead us to believe.

That's a big thing that I have had to let go of.

Christmas as an adult is not the same as it was for us when we were kids. We move from being the recipient of the hoopla to creating the hoopla (if we have kids or someone to create it for). Or if you don't have the funds or energy to create the hoopla, it's easy to feel bad about yourself because of the way our society puts all of these expectations on us.

Stay calm, be cool, and hang out with your friend's family. Or bow out and stay behind to spend time alone.

But if you feel like you might harm yourself if you are alone, either make sure you are with others or get in touch with a professional.

<<Hugs!>>

[Trippin2.0]

I think, that if you are not Christian, then take daisy's advice & extract yourself from the 'season', its is afterall a religious holiday, no matter how many people like to pretend otherwise...You're going thru a rough time,so please remember to be kind to yourself, take care of you, make YOU a priority, you are worth it I'm not spending Christmas with my family, mostly bcoz I want to get away from the materialism,its depressing,so, unbeknownst to family,I will spend Tuesday having a movie marathon

sorry this is happening!

do keep us updated on how you are doing!

(((tototoo))) ...

[tototoo]

Thanks everyone. Great advice.

I was on the road with my friends yesterday or I would have replied sooner. The holidays are difficult, but unfortunately I will have to return to my folks house soon and will be reluctantly dependent on them until I am healthier or am able to find work I can do while ill.

Fortunately, my folks will be away Jan - April. So, for a time, I won't have to worry about my father's rages. I don't do well living alone, however. There is a great resource available to me in my hometown a free school and treatment center with cbt and other therapeutic resources. I have a therapist there as well.

Last winter, I was reeling from losing my husband. I truly believed in my heart that he adored me. He is an alcoholic. He's found someone else, but realistically he alcohol comes before any person. I believe he will die from alcoholism. I am an adult child of 2 recovering addicts.

More later, THANKS!