[Speed3]

My full diagnosis is Rapid Cycling, Treatment Resistant Bipolar 1 and I also have severe Social Anxiety.

Over the last 20 years my life has primarily revolved around my illness. I am 56.
When I was 14 I had severe depression that made me leave school in 9th grade and never return to high school. I was basically a hermit. I didn't take any meds at that time and no one ever mentioned Bipolar. By 19 the depression gradually lifted. I begian to enter life again and took some college classes.

My world fell apart again at 22 when my Mom took her life. It took a year or so, but I began to live again. I met my future husband, started a great career in the Computer field and had my son. Until the age of 36 I had no symptoms and the struggle in my teen years was a distant memory.

At 36, my life became extremely stressful and depression entered my life again.
I sought treatment and was put on Prozac. This was the beginning of the spiral down. The Prozac switched on the Bipolar and I began to relate my past and family history to what was happening now. I became Manic and had my first hospitalization. The medication merry go round started. I struggled to keep my job but failed. I was out on permanent long term disability.

Since that time I have tried every treatment tried and exoerimental for Bipolar Disorder. All the Meds, over 50 ECT treatments, multiple attempts on my life, many hospitalizations. The Successful career woman, great mom and wife, fit and active super woman slowly faded away. To where I am now.

Very over weight from antipsychotic meds. I feel worthless and extremely ashamed of who I have become. I don't want to even get the mail for fear someone will see me. Sometimes, if I don't look in the mirror I get glimpses of that other me Joyful, Fit, Active, engaged in life to the fullest.

Once in a while I get some energy and I tiny bit of hope and venture into some new treatment I believe at the time will return me to life.

Last November there was the.trip to John Hopkins Hospital. This fall it wa 12 experimental Ketamine infusions. On and on....

I sit here on the couch surrounded by my cats on my IPad. Where I spend most of my time. The other day I called about TMS treatments. Tonight is the last time I take Seroquel, the med that has wrapped me up in fat.

In the back of mind I think this will be it, off Seroquel I will lose the weight and slowly find myself again. I will find purpose again. I dream about that smiling, engaged in life person.

In my mind I think , history says this won't work either. Am I destined to live out my life a hostage to this illness ?

HOW do I get myself back ? How do I hold on to hope and not let go ?

i did read your post and i'm sorry this has all happened to you.

while i can't be of too much help, i think the key is to never give up.. their's always going to be something out their- new meds, therapies, etc etc... are constantly being developed

as for the life part- do you have any hobbies you enjoy doing?. something you can do inside- something that does not require too much?

obviously their are your cats.... anything else?

[manicminer]

Never lose hope. Hope is your friend. That glimmer of hope is the light at the end of the tunnel and you must never lose sight of it.

This makes me think back to my childhood. Whenever my father asked me to do something and I said, "I can't," I was swiftly met with the stern phrase, "Can't just means ya wont, boy." Nothing could have been closer to the truth.

You CAN do anything you put your mind to. To say you CANT do something means you have given up, thrown in the towel. And as soon as you do that you will become a hostage to it, in a rut you may never be able to get out of.

The good news is you're not there yet. You're still in the fight. You may have lost this round, but you still got a few rounds left in you. I know you do. So wipe the blood, sweat, and tears off your face, shake off the many time this disorder has knocked you down, and get back in there champ.

Best wishes and good luck~ Phil

[Speed3]

Thank you so much for your replies and support !

I feel a little less lonely. No I hold on to hope even though it is only by the smallest thread sometimes. Deep in my soul I so love life.

Yes I have many hobbies, though some of them I can't do right now. I was an avid skier, which I shared with my husband and son. I dream of skiing again.
I have brief periods of normal moods and take advantage of them. I started a hiking club two years ago that now has over 1,000 members. I had to let go of the leader position because of my weight and mood shifts. I also dream of hiking with them again.

Gardening is a passion. Again the last couple of years I can only do the bare minimum. But today I am making a big picture using dried moss, lichen and air plants. A garden on my wall.

My biggest hope is to be well enough for long enough to use my struggle to help others. I pray and pray for this ! I have dreamed of a walk in center for people struggling with mental illness. A gathering place with things like arts and crafts, music, understanding and love. I would love to make this a reality.

[venusss]

Over the last 20 years my life has primarily revolved around my illness. I am 56.

That could be part of the answer. Making illness your center point will worsen it. Worsening it will make you focus on it even more... and vicious cycle goes on and on.

You had your share of bad **** in your life... did you deal with it? Or is it still weighting you down?

How is your spiritual life? Is it possible to find comfort in this domain?

Originally Posted by Speed3

Thank you so much for your replies and support !

I feel a little less lonely. No I hold on to hope even though it is only by the smallest thread sometimes. Deep in my soul I so love life.

Yes I have many hobbies, though some of them I can't do right now. I was an avid skier, which I shared with my husband and son. I dream of skiing again.
I have brief periods of normal moods and take advantage of them. I started a hiking club two years ago that now has over 1,000 members. I had to let go of the leader position because of my weight and mood shifts. I also dream of hiking with them again.

Gardening is a passion. Again the last couple of years I can only do the bare minimum. But today I am making a big picture using dried moss, lichen and air plants. A garden on my wall.

My biggest hope is to be well enough for long enough to use my struggle to help others. I pray and pray for this ! I have dreamed of a walk in center for people struggling with mental illness. A gathering place with things like arts and crafts, music, understanding and love. I would love to make this a reality.

you are helping us.

by telling us your story and by telling us how you are holding on to things, helps us more than you know... so you are well on your way!

a garden on your wall, huh?. that sounds cool- perhaps you can post the pic?

the hiking club sounds healthy too.

[leschiens]

My adult daughter with bipolar disorder has a major psychotic episode about every year. She builds a life then the whole thing collapses. Over and over.

Now on the other side of her longest and most severe psychotic episode, she is feeling hopeless. She told me what's the use of trying to build a life when it will just fall apart again. She almost died this time, only luck was with her and she did not get hit by the train.

I am in my 50s and go about my life the best I can and do what I can for her. But I do not know how to help her. How do people find employment when they have so unstable a life. I am too worn out to explain just how many things she has tried, from residential programs to vocational to volunteer to own place of residence to college to just one college class... Where can she turn? She has therapists, is very med compliant, is in a DBT program, has life skills counselors, and lives walking distance to stores and post office, etc. The thing that has her paralyzed is the whole psychosis episode thing that undoes all she works on.

Though I go to work, focus well on the things that interest me, I am always near tears. I wish I knew what to do.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

That could be part of the answer. Making illness your center point will worsen it. Worsening it will make you focus on it even more... and vicious cycle goes on and on.

You had your share of bad **** in your life... did you deal with it? Or is it still weighting you down?

How is your spiritual life? Is it possible to find comfort in this domain?

You are so right about the circle. My latest mission is to break it. I am fed up with pDocs shoving tons of meds down me. I am slowly tapering off most. I have added some supplements like Fish Oil. I have started to meditate daily sending up my struggles to my guardian angels for their guidance. I am spiritual in a non traditional way. I just ordered some things to start SOULCOLLAGE@. If I can get out of the house there is group near me that has twice monthly sessions doing this. Art type therapy has always helped me.

I have had so much therapy of all different sorts. Some helpful some not.
As far as the loss of my MOM, I will never get over that...

Dark Ocean , Dark Sky
The lighthouse beacon
Lights a path to try

I lie on the cold
New England rocks
Wishing we could talk

Just one more time, Mom
here where we are at home

The Dark Ocean, The Dark Sky
You left without goodbye
I am only a shadow, now
It was so long ago

My sorrow is immense
Your leaving made no sense

Dark Ocean, Dark Sky
I stand in the Lighthouse shadow
Looking, longing for you one more time

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

you are helping us.

by telling us your story and by telling us how you are holding on to things, helps us more than you know... so you are well on your way!

a garden on your wall, huh?. that sounds cool- perhaps you can post the pic?

the hiking club sounds healthy too.

I will take a pic if I can figure out how to added it to here.

Originally Posted by leschiens

My adult daughter with bipolar disorder has a major psychotic episode about every year. She builds a life then the whole thing collapses. Over and over.

Now on the other side of her longest and most severe psychotic episode, she is feeling hopeless. She told me what's the use of trying to build a life when it will just fall apart again. She almost died this time, only luck was with her and she did not get hit by the train.

I am in my 50s and go about my life the best I can and do what I can for her. But I do not know how to help her. How do people find employment when they have so unstable a life. I am too worn out to explain just how many things she has tried, from residential programs to vocational to volunteer to own place of residence to college to just one college class... Where can she turn? She has therapists, is very med compliant, is in a DBT program, has life skills counselors, and lives walking distance to stores and post office, etc. The thing that has her paralyzed is the whole psychosis episode thing that undoes all she works on.

Though I go to work, focus well on the things that interest me, I am always near tears. I wish I knew what to do.

i always saw this as a castle... bear with me..... their is sense in this

so you start off with the bricks, and the castle grounds, and 1 by 1, the castle turrets (parts of your life) are built up)

their was a time in life where i was in colledge, i had people who i'd comunicate with, i had plans for what i'd do when i left... and then without warning the episode (the fire, or the wind, or the construction workers) come to tear the castle turrets(parts of your built up life) down, until... at the end, their is nothing but bricks again

i have thought that too... a lot of times- why keep trying to build a life for myself if weeks or months down the line it's just going to be taken away?

i never can hold on to anything.. and i mean anything

i think the longest i ever held on to my last attempt at education, was about 6 months before it all came crashing down

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by leschiens

My adult daughter with bipolar disorder has a major psychotic episode about every year. She builds a life then the whole thing collapses. Over and over.

Now on the other side of her longest and most severe psychotic episode, she is feeling hopeless. She told me what's the use of trying to build a life when it will just fall apart again. She almost died this time, only luck was with her and she did not get hit by the train.

I am in my 50s and go about my life the best I can and do what I can for her. But I do not know how to help her. How do people find employment when they have so unstable a life. I am too worn out to explain just how many things she has tried, from residential programs to vocational to volunteer to own place of residence to college to just one college class... Where can she turn? She has therapists, is very med compliant, is in a DBT program, has life skills counselors, and lives walking distance to stores and post office, etc. The thing that has her paralyzed is the whole psychosis episode thing that undoes all she works on.

Though I go to work, focus well on the things that interest me, I am always near tears. I wish I knew what to do.

The trick for me was to start small. The old addage, "Don't bite off more than you can chew" and "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" come to mind.

Have her start with small goals, then reach them. Then set a few bigger goals, and reach them. Then eventually she can set her ultimate goal and shoot for it.

But I'm not talking about life goals, I'm talking about treatment goals. And her ultimate goal should be permanent wellness. Before she can even begin thinking about getting her life back on track, she needs to get her health back on track and that means physically and mentally. The body and mind, both need each other. Without the other both are useless, but together in harmony, they are the finest machine ever devised.

She needs to look back and figure out what she has done each time she has been able to recover and stick with it. At the same time she must find the underlying causes of each collapse/relapse and make the appropriate lifestyle changes to avoid those things.

My downfall was the whiskey bottle. Once I pulled my head out of it, realized I was killing myself and not allowing the treatment plan my docs had prescribed to work, I was able to reach my "Eureka!" moment. More sleep + Less whiskey = a more balanced, healthy me.

I hope she can reach her "Eureka!" moment, for both y'alls sake.
Good luck and best wishes