[bluefish27]

Hi all. First time here. I came today because I just lost my millionth job, my marriage is falling apart, my house is a wreck, and I am not taking care of myself efficiently either. I really need support, guidance, and to not feel like I am alone with this anymore.
I have been struggling my whole life, anyone feel like that here ? Like they were cursed from the moment they were born, new problems just kept coming and old ones worsened?
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid, but my father didn't believe I was and had my mother take me off the meds. Sometimes I still wonder if I am not struggling with it now.
I've always had emotional problems, I can remember being 12 the first time I thought about suicide, but I was just come down on hard until I behaved how my parents wanted me too. Everything blew up at 18 when I left home, I spiraled out of control and down hill quick and fast, like quick sand. I had no idea what had happened to me. Almost 10 years later I still feel shocked as if I have been riding in a tornado all this time.
Almost 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, maybe? I say maybe because I told them I think I have it but it was really unclear to me if they agreed or even checked that part out. I was put on some meds (mood stabilizer, anti anxiety, and anti depressant) and went to a DBT group therapy. I didn't finish the 8 week therapy group because I wasn't getting anything out of it, I was just starting new drugs, I felt strange, I couldn't focus, and all the people in the group distracted me, most whom were there out of requirement of the court. I really need one on one but with out insurance wasn't going to get it. I stopped taking my meds about a year ago because after 9 months on them I saw no improvement. In fact I was just as depressed and even more agitated. I started taking St. John's Wort and am not sure if it helps or not.
Anyway, right now and at this point, I am totally confused about what is really going on with me and I am totally overwhelmed and I do not know where to turn and how to get real effective help...I don't know if I am Borderline and misdiagnosed as Bipolar, If I am bipolar and my past and current relationships make me feel as if I am Borderline, or if I am in fact both, I am not sure if I really do have PTSD or not and from which of the many traumas it came from and how its affecting me now or if it isn't. I don't know if I am in a bad relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner or if I am not understanding my partner and my illnesses has turned the relationship bad. I do not know if I really have ADD and if it is hurting my ability to function or not. I do not know what is wrong or how to change.
All I know is that everyday is hard and some days are a nightmare and I want it to stop.
Taking a shower is hard, cleaning is hard, cooking is hard, leaving the house is hard, sleeping is hard, waking up is hard, keeping a job seems impossible. My relationships are hard. I am in almost complete isolation and thats hard, but being with people is even harder. Controlling my emotions is hard, being happy is hard. I can go on and on...I just want a way out and I want to get better. But most of the time I lack the drive and motivation to continue doing the things I try to. I set goals for myself. Clean up the house a little each day, cook dinner each day, go for a walk each day, take better care of myself each day, or just keep a part time job and I might get motivated enough to do it for one or two days randomly here and there but I always always always end up back in the same pattern of sleeping all day, binging on junk food, watching movies all night, chain smoking and not doing a da**thing. I feel completely worthless and hopeless and I am deathly afraid that I will never get better, that I am one of those people that are a lost cause, treatment resistant, etc and that I'll end up killing myself slowly from my weight, inactivity, and smoking and or I will end up divorced, homeless, completely alone and never having accomplished anything in life or ever knowing peace, stability, happiness or love.
Anyone ever been where I am and get out of it ?
Sorry for the rambling. I don't know if its really appropriate or not, but kinda desperate for someone to hear me and to get answers. Thanks

hi.

welcome..

[BlackPup]

Welcome to PC. You are not alone. A lot of us have felt like you at some point. It's hard to be motivated to do anything while depressed but you need help from a psychiatrist (pdoc) or therapist (T) or both. You probably need some meds. There are lots out there to try and it can take a while to find the right combination. Talking with a T is really helpful to learn new coping mechanisms but you have to be in the right place mentally for it to work. Posting on here helps also and so does writing in a journal. Keeping a mood chart helps to track what works and what doesn't and is crucial if your not sure about your diagnosis. Exercise helps with mood so keep up trying to get out for walks. Make short do able to do lists and reward yourself for getting things done. Above all give yourself a break when you can't do what's in front of you. Depression is debilitating. Good luck with your journey.

[avlady]

I can relate exactly as you say how you feel, I've been there before, do you have a good doctor,maybe trying new meds, a couple of years it got so bad for me I needed to stay in the hospitalfor 21 days for a med change, as much as I fought it at the time, it was the best thing I ever did, I got a medication change, and slowly started to feel better, I get depressed every day at times and some other times Ifeel ok, i know housework can be hard but for me I hate it but I force myself to do it otherwise I'd end up in the hospital again i fear that i can't get things done so i created a routine which is hard to keep up with sometimes but i find if I can get out of bed in the morning, even that's hard, I try to get the energy totake a shower first thing in the morning after I take my meds. I feel so much better after a shower.

[bluefish27]

Thanks to all for the great tips and support ! Happy to be here. Best wishes for you all as well

[southpole]

I really feel for you Managing with mental illness is so tough and made harder if you don't have support whether that may be in the form of friends and family or a good T and/or pdoc. It's so very easy to get swallowed up by it.

Reading and posting on PC is making a big difference to how I cope with things right now. So make the most of the online community and share what you are going through - it will help

[cocoabeans]

Yes, it's a curse and you feel better for awhileaybe even great. You'll say no, no, there is hope I'm so glad that part is over but, guess what? Bipolar! You're in hell again.

I fall in and out of phases where I believe I've died and my existance is an eternal damnation. The good parts? Why they're just there to remind you how bad it is. Besides, got a world calling it mania and you can't even really enjoy that anymore.

Life is hell but, I'm afraid, usually, that I can't die.

[cocoabeans]

Oh but don't mind me, I'm off medications. Listen to the others til try go off too or need adjustments because stability is a myth meant to make you suffer.

[~Christina]

Welcome Bluefish

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and well, for lack of a better word .. Blah.

Bipolar can and will infect every part of your life at times. For some meds are needed, some choose to go medfree, regardless you need to find other ways to feel better working with a good T that can help you learn healthy ways to cope and function, look at your food choices, healthy diets will improve your life. Exercise is important just taking a 15 min walk every day will help. make sure you get sunlight everyday, low Vitamin D can cause depression. Learn your triggers and find ways of avoiding them.
Sounds like you need to see a Psychiatrist for a better diagnosis and a treatment plan and see a T for talk therapy. You deserve happiness.

Glad you found us

[Nana E]

Hi Bluefish27,
I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I am basically in the same place you are...again!
Unfortunately, this is the world of Mental Illness.
My advice is to find a good Pdoc, and a good Therapist. They can help to get you through this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi! Welcome!

I definately know I always felt cursed, especially when I was a kid. I believed I must be cursed, nothing ever seemed to work out for me.

I know ADD doesn't go away once you're an adult, and you can have ADD and bipolar.

hopefully this can be a home away from home

or place away from the horrors of reality

or a coping place you have to go....