the thought of going to work...
to do a job....
that right now i know that I can't do.....

carries with it the same feelings as when I would harm myself.....
when I would take a blade and cut myself, injure myself.....

I'm jumping into work that feels like it will injure me......
that it will cut me somehow.......
and i'm excited about it........

lol..... doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is either right or wrong....... duh! haha

so which is it then? am I right or wrong? hehe....

I know it's not funny but then again... yes it is!

cuz this is my life and funny is a coping mechanism that I use....
along with countless others......

make fun out of it and it loses it's hold on me.

sometimes.. it feels like everything I do in life is a coping mechanism....
that I am made up of nothing but coping actions....

do you ever feel that way?

or the way about work?

It's only when I really look at myself I see it. I've been this way since nine years old.

my whole life I have learned new and distorted ways of thinking to make everything bearable haha....

but these techniques and perspectives can only be perfect in the moment... not overall.

it's like a game of matching up.... what turmoil is happening inside with my arsenal of coping skills.....
sometimes there is a perfect match, and I end up feeling wild and crazy goood while things are so bad... and other times there is no match and that's how new techniques are born.

they are all fantasy...

the techniques are all fantasy based. Me letting myself believe whatever it is I need to, to feel better at the time.

before treatment, I lived only in a fantasy world. I really thought adn believed my fantasies, it was the only way to survive.

anyways... I forgot what I was originally talking about.

[MudCrab]

Thank you for sharing, landskaperdan. I hope treatment helps make more of everything be okay.

Good luck.