need advice on mending a r/s

hamster-bamster · Jan 17, 2013, 09:51 PM

I have a cousin. She is my only maternal cousin. She was born in 1964. Tomorrow is her birthday. She lives and works in NYC, with a second husband and their son, Alexander. She gave birth to Alexander in 2008. I have never met either the husband or Alexander. I have not talked to her since 2009. My ex husband, without asking me, told her about my suicide attempt (tomorrow is also an anniversary of that and I will go see http://www.imdb.com/showtimes/title/tt1707386 with G. to celebrate that I am still alive). What followed was a very long thread of emails and I do not have the time or inclination to go into them now, but suffice it to say is that there was a lot of conflict and uncontrolled emotion.

I have since inactivated my old GMAIL account making a copy for myself as an archive (GMAIL makes it possible), so even if she tried to contact me, I would not have known, but I have old emails. I accessed the archive today and salvaged her email address. I also found several phone numbers for her in NY, probably work, home, and cell. I viewed her LinkedIn profile and can tell that she is doing great. I sent her a LinkedIn invite and she has not responded, but I know that not everyone looks at their LinkedIn messages.

I want to say Happy Birthday tomorrow. We used to be close, many years ago. Since I do not have siblings and she is an only child as well and she and I spent summers together in our maternal grandparents' summer house, we at some point were like sisters. But long ago.

So I can call or I can write. Which is better? And what to say??

Bipolar mom · Jan 17, 2013, 10:16 PM

I would say call, it's a little more personal that way, just call to say happy birthday and that you are thinking about her.

Good luck!

Victoria'smom · Jan 17, 2013, 10:21 PM

I would send her a birthday card with a nice note in it. Say happy birthday. You may want to include a picture of when you were close with your email and facebook so she can get a hold of you.

shlump · Jan 17, 2013, 10:24 PM

I would call. Doesn't have to be exactly on her birthday, but I love to get calls from old friends...

I'm a tech-hating phone girl though

She'll be happy to hear from you either way.

hamster-bamster · Jan 17, 2013, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I would send her a birthday card with a nice note in it. Say happy birthday. You may want to include a picture of when you were close with your email and facebook so she can get a hold of you.

She is not on FB - I checked. And I do not know her mailing address. Should I send an e-card to her?

Trippin2.0 · Jan 18, 2013, 06:03 AM

Phone call! She may not check her mail regularly, that will definitly cause you anxiety, and an email can be so impersonal at times... I vote phone call Hammy.

hamster-bamster · Jan 18, 2013, 01:54 PM

It did not work. But I tried. An anti-climax now. But it is OK.

I called all three numbers - home, office, and cell.

I left messages speaking in a confident, upbeat voice and was glad that my voice did not tremble or show other signs of anxiety.

I repeated my phone number twice.

In about three minutes, I see her number as an incoming call on my cell.

In my mind, I was already picturing reunification and a trip to NY to meet her family.

She said that she had received a call from my number and asked who I was.

I explained.

She said the connection was bad and she could not hear me.

I explained again.

I have a common first name and she asked "which one?" when I said my name. I said "your cousin".

In a very cold, distant, official voice she said that she was really touched and thankful. But her voice did not light up AT ALL. And she said nothing else. There was no way to continue the conversation. The did not ask anything.

So I had to say "now you have my number and can call me", leaving the door open, and that is it. Nothing else was said.

Victoria'smom · Jan 18, 2013, 03:39 PM

I'm sorry it didn't go as hoped. It's hard to reconnect even after a short time.

hamster-bamster · Jan 18, 2013, 03:42 PM

I wonder if I should follow up with an email, saying "Happy Birthday, wanted to give you my new email address as well. Hope all is well. Your LinkedIn profile looks awesome".

unaluna · Jan 18, 2013, 03:53 PM

Well she could have been someplace where she couldn't really talk. She may just have answered, expecting to hear you'd succeeded. I would have been on the writing or emailing side, not calling. If there is a way for you to write, I would do so, explaining how you are trying to rebuild burnt bridges, such as with your son etc. Not in great detail, but enough to show her that who you are now is not who you were then. Then leave it up to her.

hamster-bamster · Jan 18, 2013, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Well she could have been someplace where she couldn't really talk. She may just have answered, expecting to hear you'd succeeded. I would have been on the writing or emailing side, not calling. If there is a way for you to write, I would do so, explaining how you are trying to rebuild burnt bridges, such as with your son etc. Not in great detail, but enough to show her that who you are now is not who you were then. Then leave it up to her.

That is a good idea, but I am not ready to call it rebuilding burnt bridges as with my son. She is not as important to me as he is. She would just be a nice-to-have. Icing on the cake. So how about I say that I was glad to hear her voice and want her to have my email address as well?

unaluna · Jan 18, 2013, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is a good idea, but I am not ready to call it rebuilding burnt bridges as with my son. She is not as important to me as he is. She would just be a nice-to-have. Icing on the cake. So how about I say that I was glad to hear her voice and want her to have my email address as well?

Yeah I think I was writing as you were posting. It's just that it sounded like you and she had left things rather awkwardly a couple of years ago? So I would make a slight reference to life being smoother for you now, and that you had seen mutual relatives recently? Something like that? Something small but reassuring.

hamster-bamster · Jan 18, 2013, 06:39 PM

Dropped her a short note.

We will see what happens.

hamster-bamster · Jan 20, 2013, 12:16 AM

Yay! It was the right move to follow up with my short email. She finally responded, after my hope had been lost. She wrote that the connection was bad on the phoone and she could not understand who I was. I immediately replied saying that I am glad that everything is now clear. So I did open the door fine.

unaluna · Jan 20, 2013, 01:12 AM

I am so glad to hear that!!

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need advice on mending a r/s

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