[tototoo]

Moderators, please edit for triggering. Today I can't wrap my brain around what I should and shouldn't share.

Hi comrades. I can’t believe it has been a week since I was discharged from my county hospital's behavioral health unit/psych ward. I was involuntarily committed after the police found me playing chicken with a train. While I felt extremely destabilized pharmacologically during my 9 day stay, I felt happy to be in my special “graduating class.” We had healthy boundaries: made taking care of ourselves #1, but we also were very supportive of each other. I was told that our group was unusual. I am finishing up our “yearbook” – collage with nickname-signatures, inside (as in lock-up) jokes, affirmations and the like.

I blow those stress and risk index scales through the roof, as I am sure many of you do as well. Within the last year or so I have experienced divorce, job loss, injury from car accident (slammed by kid on cell phone), rapidly progressing autoimmune diseases which are resistant to treatment. But I was happy immediately prior to hospitalization.

The staff chose to use my hospital time to withdraw me from Clonazepam. Because of one of my diagnoses (Idiopathic Tachycardic Syndrome, translate: flighty bird heart) I knew that the withdrawal would put me into tachycardia. It did and I had to battle 5 days to get the doctors to believe that the ensuing tachycardia and subsequent insomnia was organic and not due to anxiety. I was encouraged by the CMHA’s (many were peer-support specialists – godsends who have been through similar hells and who have found their way out) to keep advocating for myself. Finally they gave me a beta blocker. It made me feel like ****, but I was able to sleep a little. Sad that I wasn’t able to be fully present in group because of constantly feeling as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest and because of the insomnia. I begged the staff to postpone the benzo withdrawal. Been on Clonazepam 10 years. I was started at 6mg when I was misdiagnosed with a terminal heart-lung problem. I did not want to go on it, tapered myself down to 3mg/day and have not abused it. I have not felt as though I have developed any tolerance.

The Clonazepam really comes in handy when I am driving and start to have an anxiety attack -- for me, not racing heart: Mine take the form of throwing up. If one starts when I am driving I have to veer off the road to park. If I can pop a Clonazepam, sometimes I can prevent the full blown attack.

I honestly don’t know how a whole week has passed. I don’t remember much of the last week. I felt good upon discharge. I think I was still “high” from living in a dorm-like setting with intelligent creative people, many of whom had family histories similar to mine. Since my divorce I have lived alone. I have a huge extended family, but cannot be around them and they don’t want to be around me – black sheep and all that. My only concern about being away from home was that my babies, my little dog and 2 cats were being fed and pottied, but that’s it. I just disappeared from home one night and they didn’t know why.

On the unit we did collages, played card games, watched movies. We girly-girls braided each other’s hair and did each other’s makeup. I am middle-aged, mind you, and while there were others older than me on the unit, I became one of the soul-mothers. Most of my friends had family to go home to. I didn’t, so I’m really missing that social time and the validation I received from my patient/peers. I am really missing them.

I have appointments and classes at my local outpatient REC (Recovery Education Center.) I am very fortunate to have that resource. So far, I am not really identifying with the students that are there now. In the past I have. But I am going to keep going, hoping I will feel differently.

I’ve posted here just a few times, soliciting support, never healthy enough to give – not yet. I do a lot of journaling. In the next few days I had hoped to put some time into my profile and into sharing some of my journaling and poetry here. Given the length of this post, I guess I have shared my journal entry for several days, weeks???

I had stopped my 300 mg/day Lithium a couple of months prior to my crisis, feeling as though all of my auto-immune problems are related to Lithium. I know that at 300 mg, I am not supposed to experience the potential toxic side effects/complications, but I am often an outlier. I am very sensitive to medications. I’m back on that 300 mg dose but I have moved once again from hyperthyroidism to hypothyroidism. Now I am sleeping too much and I wake up in the morning with the shakes – awful!!!

The 300 mg is an adjunct to my Celexa and is for depression, although I’ve always been on the cusp of a diagnosis of bipolar. I am told that my crisis was mania since I was calm and happy.

Wrote most of the above yesterday. Today I feel as though I have had a chemical lobotomy. My meds feel all out of whack. I have a couple of anchors today: appointment with my therapist at REC and appointment with my internist/PCP. I will try to get in on at least one class at REC.

Thanks for reading. I would like to check in here. I have started feeling better as I type. Hope I am able to come back here and check in. Cannot predict my energy level so I cannot predict if I will be here regularly, but given my isolation, I will try. This is a wonderful resource!

Toto

P.S. I was hospitalized 22 years ago under pretty much the same circumstances. I thought I had this “thing” beat. <laughing gently at myself and the absurdity of life>

[Yoda]

I am glad in-patient was a positive experience for you. Most of the times when I have been in-patient I have found people I could relate to and gave and received support as you did.

[Trippin2.0]

So glad inpatient was a good experience for you and hope your path to wellness becomes smoother. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

[Darth Bane]

must be great being with others who understand you... when you don't have to hide from them...

[Cocosurviving]

Glad you had good support

[~Christina]

Glad you found us and welcome

[Victoria'smom]

Hi,Welcome
All of us are generally sporadic on posting.

Hi and welcome! This is a great resource, but it is one that you will come and go from as needed. It's nice to meet another long winded person here, I hope to see your posts on here soon. Short posts are awesome too, but long writers usually think a lot about what they are trying to say. This site is no quick fix solution to anything, but it is a nice shoulder to cry on, and who knows, browse around you may be able to provide more support than you realize.