Dealing with a (possibly) bipolar girlfriend

This is my first post here, and honestly I debated with myself for a long time about even signing up and trying this, so here it goes.

I am a college student in my early 20's. My girlfriend is the same age, and also in school. We have been together (with the exception of several months last year) for almost 3 years. Throughout that time, I have seen symptoms on multiple occasions that I think point to her being bipolar.

First, a little bit of backstory. We broke up near the middle of 2012 when she experienced a pretty crushing low period at the same time I was dealing with clinical depression. In these low periods, I would usually assume that it was something I was doing and freak out accordingly. This time, given that neither of us were mentally stable, it broke our relationship down.

We stayed apart for about 8 months. During that time, her younger brother passed away (I was there for her through that, even though we weren't together) which sent her spiraling downward even further. Then, a month or so later, she was suddenly OK, and has stayed that way for some time. Also during these 8 months, I was put on Welbutrin and saw a therapist for a while, and can honestly say that I have never felt more stable.

My girlfriend and I got back together a couple months ago after realizing that we were still very much in love and were willing to give it another try. Then, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, she began spiraling downward again. Her sex drive vanished, she was tired all the time, and started skipping classes and theater rehersals. It only got worse from there. Today was the first time she had been to any of her classes in almost a week, and has already missed at least 1 exam. She has become generally cold and hateful towards me on the rare occasions that she speaks to me. She has also stopped (or nearly so) talking to her 2 best friends.

I've done some research on my own (and had a long phone conversation with my family's therapist) and really believe that everything points to her being bipolar. Even before her brother's death, her highs (I'm thinking Hypomania) were marked by decreased need for sleep, increased self worth, constant good mood, and a fairly insane sex drive. Her lows, when they came along, have always been the same: isolation, rage and anger towards me (when she talks to me), etc.

This time, it's the worst I've seen. I suspect that she never really dealt with her brother's death, and those feelings are resurfacing now alongside the downward swing of her depression. I am truly at a loss.

I'm trying to stay as objective as possible in this situation, but the truth is that it's really hurting me. I don't know if I'll still have a girlfriend when the sun comes up, or if she'll just cut me out for good in some rash decision. I love her, with everything I am, and I truly believe that she is worth every ounce of what I'm going through and have been through, but what do I do?

Do you all believe that she is bipolar? She's too damn stubborn to seek help, but me and a couple close friends are preparing to try and convince her. Please don't just skip this because it's long and wordy, I just have a lot to say.

I love this girl, she is worth this, but not knowing what to do or if she'll ever come back is killing me. Please help...

Welcome to PC

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Since no one here is an expert and can't diagnose there is no way to know if she has Bipolar or any other mental illness of course. Most Doctors won't even make the diagnosis at the first or even many visits later, that doesn't mean they won't try out some medications meanwhile.

There is really no way to force someone in to getting help if they don't want it.. You can just try and be kind about it, You don't want her to feel like shes being ganged up on.

I hope she agrees to reach out for help.

Good Luck

Tell her about your positive experience with psychiatry, as you have just told us about your being as stable as never before on WB. This might help.

when i was at my early twenties i didn't know i had bipolar ... but if somebody had even suggested that i have mental illness that person would have really regretted it..... nobody want to accept they have mental disease... that stigma... i think your girlfriend need to be told but let her best friends do this... she is going to be angry even for suggesting this!

Take her into therapy w. you "to help the therapist know what your like IRL". This can let her see what therapy is like. I would ask you not address her mental state with everyone there. It's a way to make her feel she has no one. It has to be the persons choice.

Maybe she wants to be that way. If you don't want that in your life, move on.

This is a really good idea, actually. Take her along with you because you want her to give your T input on you. And just let her see that it's not scary. And really talk about how much it has helped you.

Don't suggest you think she has "bipolar." That's not the best way to broach the subject if she's stubborn. But maybe first see if you can get her to accept something like grief therapy.

I would express concern or her low, sad, irritable states and when she allows her school participation to slide. Definitely don't accuse her of having a mental disorder and certainly don't throw the bipolar word around (even when I was crazy with depression and anxiety, my psychiatrist suggest bipolar and I'm like "No! That's too crazy!!")Recommend to find counseling, most campuses have a counseling program.

Definitely do not throw the "BP" word around. I would imagine some people forget how much it intimidated them before they were diagnosed, but I'll always remember the day some 10 years ago when my sister suggested that I might be bipolar. It's a scary word! And most people who don't have the disorder equate it with "crazy".

That's probably where your gf is right now. I don't really know how you can broach the subject without alienating her. You could always buy a self-help book about BP and "accidentally" leave it out in view when she comes to your place (I'm assuming you have an apartment or a room in a dorm). It could be a conversation starter, especially if she assumes you're reading it for yourself.

Ooooh, I'd be careful with that. If it were me, I'd probably interpret it with paranoia. After all, she does go through what she does and probably realizes it's not normal. I know I did. Big time. But the very last thing on earth I wanted was to delve into it. See, I recognized my behavior being like my mother's and this positively horrified me. I had vowed to never be like her. I sure didn't want anyone digging around in my head! The shame ran very deep and I couldn't deal with the thought of anyone else knowing. Worse, that I'd have to talk about it.

I definitely agree to not approach it by using words like "bipolar". In fact, I'd avoid outside perspective of how her actions affect others (can interpret as "you're impossible!" and possibly even feel like a "confirmation" that she is as horrible a person as she may well feel herself to be). Instead, it may be better to express concern over how she's feeling. Internally, not external effects on others. You of course don't know exactly how she's feeling, but something along the lines of... you've noticed that she doesn't seem to be feeling very well, love her, care very much and would like to see her be able to feel better.

Mm's idea of bringing her along to provide perspective on you is a good one. And may well bring about conversation on these things. Kudos to you btw, for being so caring. It can be very hard.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

It just dawned on me that you definitely do'ren't want to explain to someone you think they're bipolar because their happiness is pathological. She's not going to want to hear that her up periods are part of a problem.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not currently seeing a therapist, so I may need to leave this up to her best girl friends.

Now on to a more personal and kinda selfish thing... Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with this? Not knowing if she's ever coming back to me is killing me, and seeing her like this might be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I have a prescription for Xanax as well (for when I have moments of intense depression or insomnia) and I've been going through them at an alarming rate all week just to stay OK. I guess I'm looking for word of encouragement or that it's gonna be OK or something. I really have no idea...

I really think you need to go to your counselling center and ask for a list of outside therapists. Whether you get back together or not you have to take care of yourself. Right now you aren't doing that.

The best advice about dealing with a BP partner take care of yourself. Realize that your choosing to ride the "highs" and lows with her. You can't determine if she'll get help. You have to accept her as she is non-medicated. Educate yourself about BP and how it affects her.

Some words of encouragement (5 words): I encourage you to: cool it on the Xanax.
Believe me when I say I know from stress. The last 2 1/2 weeks alone would make a book. Yer just gonna have to trust me on that one, as I don't have that kind of writing time and it'd be traumatic to see it all together. (We're not talking work deadlines, we're talking emotional chaos and the helplessness of 3,000 miles. Among other things.) So... I get it.

Thing is, Xanax is all too easy to get dependent on. Even if "only" psychologically. Problem is (putting aside the obvious), other calming techniques need to be in your tool belt. And they don't tend to get there if we're always reaching for the xanax. Don't worry, I'm not going to lecture. I find your timing to be serendipitous, actually. See, just before coming back on PC to read some more, I was texting with someone in desperate need of being able to calm down. Or at least get some kind of handle on it. I told him I would send some links for relaxation techniques. Which I'd have to search for, as I don't have any. (Links, that is.) Then I thought it would be good to make a thread, because there's a lot of accumulated knowledge here. So, I'm going to go make a thread now and hope you will find it beneficial as well.

Please do take good healthy care of yourself. It's your best bet for getting you through whatever comes your way, not just the current situation. Ok?

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Welcome to PC! You'll get great help here, everyone cares about each other and tries to help to the best of their ability, I know PC has helped me through a lot in the past year.
-I think I can relate to your situation. Because I am 'the bipolar girlfriend'.
My name is Kaci, I'm 16 years old, and my boyfriend is 20. (Which that sounds bad, but if you knew us , it's really not. But that's a story for another time.)
During this past year, my boyfriend has brought it to my attention that I have many symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and Depression. , and like you said about your girlfriend, I'm too stubborn to get help. I did however, join this site and it helps a lot. This site actually convinced me to tell my mother everything.(which I did) , but I have yet to see a doctor.
Anyways, I too, go through those 'downspirals' and want next to nothing to do with my boyfriend. , it has caused a few break ups and many fights over the past two years. (mainly at first, because we didn't know it was bipolar that made me that way) but, we've somewhat learned how to handle it better ( don't get me wrong, we're a work in progress. ) -I'm just trying to say, if you don't give up and you really work at it, I know you two can make it. , It's not easy, and it's never gonna be easy. But you have to make the decision and decide whether she's worth it or not.
..I just realized that I'm writing a lot (I have a bad habit of getting off topic) , but I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to, or have questions about what to do, or what something means, feel free to talk to me, I'll always be here to help.

I agree with not diagnosing her and telling her she's bipolar. You never know how someone will take it and usually, when someone tells you that you're not "normal", it pisses you off. She might be bipolar. She might not be.

I suspected I was but it was really a scary thing to have someone else say it out loud. And when my pdoc did...it was shocking. I thought for a while before getting the diagnosis I was just a b i t c h. Seriously. I even told my pdoc and told him that one of my biggest fears is that I was just a b i t c h.

Oh and agree on the xanax. My pdoc won't even prescribe it unless absolutely necessary. He feels like it's way too addictive and loses its effect so quickly (meaning you have to take more and more to get the same results).

Again, thanks to all of you for the replies. She picked up a second job without telling me. This is such a huge change from the girl who said she would marry me tomorrow at the courthouse if I wanted her to.

Tonight has been really hard for some reason. I feel like hell, and I think I just had an anxiety attack. This is really wearing me out...

Well, she left me. Claims she's suddenly in love with her best friend, and indifferent towards me. That's a change. Guess there's nothing else to say here...