Who Ya Going To Call? Who are the Ghost Busters for this #$&! disease?

All right, I've been lurking somewhat. ... but I'm avoiding.

I guess there's no way for friends and family not to figure out who we are.... avoiding again.

Ok, I've been really struggling the last few weeks. Sleeping way too much, avoiding work, etc. Usually, I go through the Hell of mixed states (thus the avatar), but this feels more like a major depression. I get melencholy (sp?) I feel lonely while surrounded by great family, and it just seems to be a sad anxiety that won't go away.

I started thinking about suicide for the first time ever. Just thinking about what it would be like you know? Not really planning. But it scared me.

I had receently increased Effexor to 225 per day. Had been on 1500 of Depakote as well. Didn't get another script for a benzo to calm down for awhile, and didn't take my Restoril because the pdoc didn't want me to use it. No abuse in the past -- but I think she was in over her head and we mutually agreed to change docs. New doc seems more willing to work WITH me versus treat me like a teenager in a high abuse environment.

Anyway, all the D symptoms are there. Hopeless to actually be able to do my work, feeling lonely all the time, fighting the sad anxiety. I added wine with my meds during the last couple of incidents. I know, I know, never a good idea. But I couldn't get away from it, you know. Didn't have the right meds evidently, and I needed someone to talk to. I tried calling all over, local DBSA, Home, Therepist, etc. The first time this happened I talked to my wife and therepist. My pdoc's jr. councelor in training was taking calls for the practice and evidently doesn't "get" mixed states (he just thought I was on my way up with help from a nice Charles Krug merlot).

So, unless you want to hear the rest of the details it boils down to this, Who do you Call? I desperately needed someone to talk to. I was in a really bad way. The lead of my local DBSA had given me a suicide hotline number after I talked about ideations with the group. But instead of talking to me and helping me understand what I was going through, etc. they just kept me on the line long enough for 6 cops to show up in my room.

A couple of weeks later it happened again with a different line I got out of the yellow pages ... only this time I had really loaded up on the Charles Krug. I don't remember much past them coming in and waking up at noon the next day in the hospital. They had whacked me with a large amount of Haldol and once I woke up it felt like I had a thousand bees trying to get out of my body and muscles. Not so kind in their care I'd say.

So, where can we go to break the demons that are calling for us? I can't afford to miss work for anymore "kidney stones" but sometimes need some help through the night.

Thank you for your patience. I'll try to keep my posts shorter as you get to know me and my situation better.