[Nessa213]

Today's diagnosis: Bipolar II.

I don't know why this makes me sad, but it kind of does. First of all, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. One the one hand it was almost comforting; some kind of justification or verification. On the other hand, I felt kind of defeated.

It's like when you gain weight and you resist SO hard in buying the size larger in new jeans, because the purchase of said jeans would be some admission of guilt. Like you have failed. You should have done better. (At least that's how *I* see it. But people tell me I'm too hard on myself.)

Having the doctor say it out loud kind of made it real. Final. It was one thing years ago to have my friends joke about it, "Oh, there's Michelle, being all bipolar today!" I could laugh at that. It wasn't really real, and I didn't really believe it. Because eventually I would snap out of it. So of course it couldn't possibly be real.

And part of me likes it, to be honest. I've never really known any other way to be. I've been this way since I was 16, maybe this is just how I'm SUPPOSED to be. I like the rush, the intensity, the ability to stay up writing or painting or crafting on little to no sleep. It's amazing, it really is. My "randomness" is always something that my friends have told me is something they like about me.

The other half isn't nearly as exhilarating, but it's familiar. And it's me. To me, THAT is what's real. But now they want to take it all away? I'll be honest that kind of scares me. A lot. It shouldn't. I've done things I shouldn't have under a frame of mind that I couldn't control. That much is true. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not, and I really don't know why.

Today, part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. Part of me wanted to run away and hide. Part of me was embarrassed. Part of me was pleased. It was all just bittersweet.

[Cocosurviving]

I remember being mad, scared, relied and shocked. You have every right to feel the way you do. I've found therapy and a support group helpful.

[Odee]

I felt a lot like you in regards to the diagnosis.

[Travelinglady]

I was surprised. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was in my forties! That's been around 13 years ago. At least you now have a diagnosis and can start getting treatment. I encourage you to work with a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. It's a diagnosis that can be lived with.

[BipolaRNurse]

I remember feeling both relieved and thunderstruck at the diagnosis. It's one thing when you merely suspect something, and quite another to hear the words pronounced........it's a game-changer for sure.

For me it was surreal and then I was grateful. What I had been doing up to that point was clearly not working.

It may seem uphill from here, but I suspect that you will have a gameplan and in that regard life will be a bit easier. The relief will be knowing what you are up against. The hard part for me has been friends and family not being supportive and questioning the diagnosis, hence why I am on the Internet talking with complete strangers.

The most frustrating thing that my psych said to me and my ex sitting in that room was that it could take up to a year to stabilize. I found this to be true for me.

We are here for you. Super big hugs coming your way. You are in good company here.

[faerie_moon_x]

I remember feeling completely relieved like I finally had an answer and thinking that when I told people that it would be like this "oh, well now we understand" type of thing. Of course, that was totally wrong. No one cared and actually it made things worse.

But, I have to tell you, it's totally normal to feel so many emotions when you get diagnosed with anything. I talk to newly diagnosed people with diabetes all the time and I get a wide range of reactions from the totally calm to the being screamed at, to one woman weeping on the phone for 10 minutes that she had avoided eating ice cream for years yet here she was with diabetes. So, it's toally human to be filled with emotions about this stuff.