[dubblemonkey]

seems like 15 years to me...time develops more stupidity the more I'm exposed to it!

12 days since I said goodbye....and it was necessary.

I did what I had to do....reluctantly ....!
everything I do is reluctant...apart from spontaneous compassion..

so yes...I did apply myself to my family as I promised I would.

and behind this?...is just an urge...thats all I have left.

as I expect your lives have been likewise troubled....incalculated pain!

I was old before I was young enough to ignore it!

there is something superb in the emptiness....just the reasons to force it!

...make it overwhelmingly meaningfull...

do you know what I mean?

...like when something means so damn much ...you can put so much energy into making it mean nothing...

...that what actually happens?...

is that suddenly it's twice as meaningful!...not just because it already was!
...but also because I tried to prove somehow ridiculous that it wasn't!

the effort of life to engage me was equally extreme as my effort to disengage!

and life has this quality beyond equivalent!...to pursue me!

...and running and running...
weirdly interested!

but also seemingly well equipped!


and yet so maladapted!

I don't even know what I'm talkin' about

[optimize990h]

Maybe an up and down day.