Albeit, they have been smaller symptoms, I have been ignoring them. My thinking is that there is nothing I could possibly do about them anyways, except obsess over them and make them worse.

It's funny for me, they way that my thinking changes with every high and the way that it dulls with every low...

sometimes, it's the change in my thinking that clues me in initially that something is changing, before I can see it otherwise.

It's not like I am not used to this... been this way my whole life. It's just that I understand that there is something happening now. Before, growing up it was just the way that life was.

I just don't know at what point I should be concerned. I can handle a LOT! I can cope with a lot. If I get moderately hypo, I can calm myself down and work with it. If I get moderately depressed, I can change my thinking until I find a frame of mind that works for me to still get done what I need to get done.

with all this in mind, I am clueless just how far I can let things go before I need to take action about it.

I tend to tell everyone that I am fine. Even when I am coping with some changes. Because when I am coping, I have to be fine. So that's what I tell them I am.

I have learned through a lot of experience that no one takes it lightly if you tell them that you are feeling a little hypo. they will accuse you of acting whatever way you are acting, doing whatever it is that you are doing, because of the illness.

Drives me crazy.

I view it as my life, and I don't want the influence of those around me if it is negative, complicated or accusatory. Ugh...

It's like I am flying solo. Always has been. just doing whatever it is I have to do to make those around me happy. I am the one who always wanted a family. Who wanted to get married at an early age. I just never thought it meant I could never be myself.

I have had to change so much about myself for the benefit of those around me for so long... it's like I don't have a solid identity. I can and do change whatever it is about myself, regardless of the way that I feel about it, to make things work for those around me.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't care at all. I know that I don't have to... but I put such an emphasis on those around me. sometimes I wish it was okay to go be alone.

But my girls need a dad, and my wife a husband, and I will never be able to walk away from that.

having this illness defined has ruined my life. suddenly, everything has become my fault. I'm looked at differently, no matter how much or how hard I try to assure those around me that I am fine, that I am acting normally and that there is no hypo or depression behind what I am doing.

but the truth is, there is always some amount of depression and/or hypo affecting how I act. I mean, my onset was so early in life, I have learned to live with it. Duh! I rapid cycle, always been that way. I get triggered easily. not as easily now, now that I am more aware of what's happening with me, but still pretty easy. So my point is, is that I incorporate mindlessly my hypo and depression in my decision making.

It's like, now, suddenly, I am supposed to just stop everything that I have ever done to cope. that I should magically change my thinking.

It's not like I haven't waited for things to improve. I was dx'd over a year ago.

ugh... my wife still asks me if anything is going on. I take it personally when she does. like it's almost an attack on me. like she is viewing me being me as a sickness.

people can say that the label doesn't define you... but it's there for a reason and everyone else will define you by it, so not to define yourself by it is an uphill battle where everyone else is just going to be pushing you down as you try to climb out of it.

I am learning to keep my family at more of a distance. a controlled distance, but one to where I know they will feel bad if they cross a line. I have set some pretty definitive lines in my household. and if they cross them, they know it will hurt me.

kinda sucks having to do that. especially with my kids. not so bad with the wife...lol.

anyways, the whole point was that I have been ignoring symptoms and I have no idea when that will become a problem because I just cope with what happens, cuz it will happen, and I get on with life.

when should I call my psychiatrist and complain about the symptoms anyways. what is he going to do about it. adjust my meds? my meds are not the problem. I am. my brain is. he has adjusted them for almost a year to get me to where I am at. I'm not really willing to mess with them again. there is no cure for what I have. why do we think that we should mess with a good thing just cuz I get a little hypo anyways?

Oh well. I doubt anyone will get this far reading. but if you do, shout out!

[manicminer]

There isn't a soul out there that knows your mind better than you do.

If you had a understanding of and handle on things before your dx, stick to them. Those coping mechanisms you have used often in the past are what's now hardwired in your brain and how you know to react to changes in your mood and behavior.

If these mechanisms begin to fail, you are unable to cope with and react positively to the changes, or you begin to feel like it is all becoming too much for you to handle on your own, that's when you go to the p-doc.

One of the greatest things I ever did in my ongoing path to recovery was to give up caring what other people that of me or my behavior. Their opinions on my condition no longer mattered, and I was free to use my own insight into my own mind to come up with the best solution to the troubles I was experiencing.

You now have a name and a definition to the way you have been feeling and behaving. Now you can own it, make it yours, and find new ways to defeat it.

Best wishes and good luck.