[Xycin]

I haven’t the slightest clue where I am right now. The ways I have been feeling:
Happy, Sad, Mad, Alone, Scared, Paranoid, Hyper, Sluggish, Pain, Longing, Creative, Stepped on, Small, Fat.
All of that either at the same time or bits and pieces solo. Toss in urges to cut, hit, yell, ravage something, and make my heart explode.
This is how I have been for about 2 weeks or longer. I know there was one point before this that I was in a crazy good mood and everything was great. Before that it was all depression.
It is 3:30 am now… sitting at work wanting nothing more than to ripe my body apart to feel SOMETHING specific and not all this going on right now. I want to hide in bed and take sleep medicine so I don’t hurt myself. I feel sick. I keep almost gagging when I swallow. Something’s got to give and soon. I don’t know what or where or how but I feel now as if I am hanging from a ledge by one hand, and there’s only one finger left holding on to avoid whatever this break is about to be.

Someone said the other day I am reading so much (3 different books) because I am avoiding something and it hit me that they were right. I am and have been avoiding something. I’ve been avoiding my feelings because I’m afraid of what will happen if I give in. It becomes more of a struggle each day that goes by now that I realize what’s going on to some extent. I don’t know how to ask for help though or who to ask. I feel like I should tell my S.O. to hide the sharp objects in the house. I’ve become afraid of my own feelings and emotions.I hope this makes sense to someone

[faerie_moon_x]

If you really feel you're slipping into being a danger to yourself, and your SO is someone you feel is a good support system, then you should definately turn to them for help. Sometimes getting the support of the ones you love is incredible to healing.

Otherwise, are you intreatment at all? It might be a good time to call your doctor or T. You sound kind of mixed to me, and that can be dangerous. I get that feeling of wanting to rip myself apart so I can feel something. I get that a lot, actually. It's not a good feeling, so call in some help if you can. If not, maybe set up an appt with your general doctor and see if you can get a referral to somewhere. It's a good time to ask for help.

[Xycin]

I have an appointment with either my T or pdoc Wed. Can't remember which. And as far as tell the SO goes it will not help. He understands as far as someone who doesn't "believe" in mental illness.

[CharleyBrown]

That makes complete sense to me. Thanks for summing up exactly how I feel. I have a hard time doing that. Wish I had more to say. I understand how you're feeling for sure.