[faerie_moon_x]

Okay so I know some of you probably know that once upon a time I had a group of "friends." These people I thought were my best and truest friends, and that we'd all be friends forever. Then, it turned out that during that time I was having what appears to be a major paranoid delusion that lasted around 5 years. And, during that time they played along with me and acted as if they believed what was happening to me. But, in retrospect I see that it was just all a huge joke to them, and I was more like a dancing bear or something odd for their amusement.

Then, when I divorced my ex, all of them stopped being my friends. Ever last one disappeared. People I'd been friends with since the 10th grade, gone. And, one of these friends was a girl who I was very close to, or so I thought. She was diagnosed with bipolar when we were in our early 20s. And, I hadn't been diagnosed, but the things she would tell me would ring so true to me. It was like how when you come to this site and you're like "I thought I was the only one!"

Anyway, so... when she ended our friendship it was over the phone. A mutual friend was at my house and she'd called him. He said, "here, talk to X." And I said hello, and she said, in an icy tone "Put him back on." So I did, and that's the last time I ever spoke to her and never saw her again. this was about 9 years ago.

So, yesterday, I was sitting with my husband and he was looking at facebook. Suddenly he asks me, "do you know this person?" And, I see he has a message and it says, "Hi, I'm a friend of X's and I see she isn't open to friend requests so can you please have her message me or send me a friend request?" And, it was this old "friend." And it was dated July 25th 2012, LOL. Well, that's when I was in the hospital, I had just had my third surgery in a week. And my husband doesn't really use facebook very much. So, I'm sure he just didn't think about it back then when I was so sick, then totally forgot about it, which is fine by me.

So I said, "I'm not going to message her." But then, I looked at her page, and there wasn't much on it. And my mother-in-law said, message her and tell her the truth.

So, I couldn't message her directly (WTF with facebook now charging $1 to send a message? to an inbox?) But, you could send a message to the "other folder."

And, I figured... she won't ever see this. But... I sent her a message. I told her that I am still hurt and angry from how our friendship was ended. And in the past few years, some new things had come to light that increased my anger, (meaning my psychosis but I didn't say that, I just left it vague.) And, that I didn't get the message before but now I did, and I wasn't able to talk more because I am still so angry about it that I might explode. And that was it.

I'd already had an episode earlier in they day. But, I was able to stay calm. And, I went and told my husband I messaged her after all and said I'm still angry. And, I think it was the right thing, because none of these other people have ever reached out to me. And, I think that not being able to tell them how much they hurt me just keeps it in my heart. You know? So, I hope I can start to move on from it a little. Let some of it go.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[BlueInanna]

I'm sorry such added stress for you. I wonder how/if she'll respond. I would like to have a real life bp friend, cuz I think we'd be able to really relate and help each other. I do have some who I think would qualify for a bp dx if they sought help. My one gf with dprespion and self injusy history has a brother who was in town with his girlfriend and I had a birt of a freakout at their dinner party afte bf called me stupid. I flipped out a little and said things i shouldn't have like, "oh look the biposar girl what will she do next so scary oooohh!" And he was actually concerned and said, "who has bp, you? I'm so sorry..." nice guy in my boodk, i felt validated and cared for in a real bad moment.

sorry for the typos, mondays are so overwhelming. well, keep us posted

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, Mondays are overwhelming.

I don't want to be friends with her again. I can't trust her or any of them ever again, not after all that happened. And, you know, because of them it's really hard for me to feel trusted and cared about now. I mean, they litterally betrayed me for real in so many ways, then ditched me once they were done.

It was kind of nice to get to say something, you know. I almost went into a full blown rant. But... I was able to contain it. I'm actually proud of myself. Because that morning I'd had a pretty big melt down, around like 11:00 a.m. or so, and once I was calm it was 5:00 p.m., which is when my husband showed it to me. So, my episode took up most of yesterday. (Hurray, isn't that so fun?) So, despite all that, I was pretty proud of myself for handling it how I did.

[BlueInanna]

Then I'm glad too that you got to say your piece! Try to stick to your guns and don't let her get you into any back and forth, don't let her drain any more energy from you. Sounds like she's done enough damage for this lifetime.

[Trippin2.0]

So sorry you're in the midst of a bp shyt storm sis and in the same breath, super proud of how you handled yourself and your supposed former friend

I'm admittedly also curious as to if she'll respond, and what it will be....

Hope you feel better soon hon

[ultramar]

Then, it turned out that during that time I was having what appears to be a major paranoid delusion that lasted around 5 years. And, during that time they played along with me and acted as if they believed what was happening to me. But, in retrospect I see that it was just all a huge joke to them, and I was more like a dancing bear or something odd for their amusement.

Do you mean paranoid delusion in the literal sense, or are you being sarcastic? I'm sorry you've lost these friends (I hope you've been able to or will meet new people), but maybe your friendships were very 'real' and authentic at the time, but for whatever reasons, the relationships petered out. If some of these friends were mutual friends with your ex when you got divorced, I think it can happen that after divorce you can lose people because of this.

I wish you healing in this.

[faerie_moon_x]

My delusion was very complex, ultramar.

It all starts with the fact that the land that was my neighborhood was originally my grandfather's farm. In the 1950s he cut his land up into subdivisions and built houses. He built 90% of the houses in the neighborhood, along with his 2 brothers and my uncle. I grew up in a house he built, right across the street from what remained of his farm, which was a vegetable garden and the farmhouse.

My grandfather was a very important man in our community, and an excellent gardener. He won regional awards for his vegetable garden when I was a kid, and people would come from all over to buy his vegetables in season. But he passed away when I was 10 of bone cancer. Everyone loved my grandpa very much, and I loved him very much, he was an amazing man. There was not even standing room at his funeral at the church.

So, when I was a late teen, I came to see him as having been some sort of earth spirit or earth gaurdian. And that he was magical, and that he was a gaurdian of our neighborhood. And, upon his death, he passed that power to my mother, and after her death she passed it to me.

At the end of the street was a park with a lake and a playground. I would go there all the time, it was the park I'd gone to my whole life. Then, when I was about 18 or 19 years old, a building was built at the far end of the park. It was a non-descript office building, 3 stories high. It had large windows along one side, which overlooked another pond. Something about this building triggered me. It was suspicious to me.

I don't know exaclty what got me thinking this, but I believed that this building was the headquarters for a secret organization. The people in this organization were energy vampires, who cam into places where there was a lot of good, magical energy and would drain it. I believed the park was a keystone point of energy in my neighborhood, and so was my grandpa's field (which hadn't had a garden in many years by then,) and my yard. There were some other places, too.

Anyway, as the "protector" of the neighborhood, I began "investigating." I just had this feeling that these sinister people were there and I had to figure out a way to get rid of them. I know exactly the night that it escalated. The movie "The Truman Show" with Jim Carey had just come out. I went with some friends to the movie, then after we went to the park. It was late. I was telling them about the building and the evil society, and how I was "probing" the building with energy. And how I believed it also had a training facility inside, like with an obstical course and gym.

Anyway, one friend suddenly said, "They know we're here! Quick! Run!" So, we started to run. We ran through the park, up the hill, and toward the train tracks. A car turned onto the street and my friend told us to hide behind a bush. The car was a suped up 1970s version car, dark blue with white racing stripes, but it had 6 wheels (lined up like this 000 on each side.) Then we ran to the tracks and hid in another bush, down a small alley between houses, and hid as a cop car passed, this one also with 6 wheels.

We got my friend's house and I said, "Did you see, those cars had 6 wheels!" And one of my friend said something along the lines of they must be the vehicles of the secret organization. And I was freaking out, panicking.

After that, I firmly believed that they had discovered me, and that they were after me. That they wanted to hurt me. That they were stalking me outside my window at night. I would hear them walking around, and I called the police multiple times. I would tell everyone an anyone who would listen. I was terrified. For years. Another friend once said to me, "My sister works in a building downtown across from a government building, and do you know what? She says it's freaky to see the six wheeled cars."

And everyone would listen and smile, and nod and say "oh yeah, that's pretty crazy." Or whatever, but no one cared at all.

Then two of my other friends started to tell me that a man was calling them on the payphone outside the dairy queen. That he was from the organization and he knew how powerful I was and that he was going to find me, that my shields were not powerful enough, and he would eventually get through. Every time I was there to listen when he called, oddly enough, it would never happen.... >.>

And, then, at some point after my divorce when I was 25, the whole thing just stopped. And it didn't just stop, I completely forgot it. It's like my mind locked it up. And when I was 28 my oldest son was in martial arts and the school moved to a location in my old neighborhood. And I went to pick him up one day. I turned down the street, and the building was right in front of me. And it was like getting slapped in the face as the whole thing came back to me.

But this time, I was in shock and thinking "Oh my god, what the hell was wrong with me?" And I realized that my "friends" never were with me on the whole thing, that they found it amusing. And they obviously thought I was nuts, but instead of helping, they would make up crap to see what I would do. But, I trusted them, so of course I believed it....

And that, was my paranoid delusion, with what I believe visual hallucinations (six wheeled cars, sounds of people walking around outside my house.) And the fact that no one even ever bothered to argue with me about it. Even if they argued and made me mad, I think today I would feel like they cared. But they didn't.

Anyway, that's the whole story.

[faerie_moon_x]

P.S. I knew all these kids since I was in 10th grade in high school. They were my friends long before I even knew my ex, or so I thought. But they really weren't.

[Trippin2.0]

s to you my dear sis. What a crappy bunch of "friends" you grew up with

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

My delusion was very complex, ultramar.

It all starts with the fact that the land that was my neighborhood was originally my grandfather's farm. In the 1950s he cut his land up into subdivisions and built houses. He built 90% of the houses in the neighborhood, along with his 2 brothers and my uncle. I grew up in a house he built, right across the street from what remained of his farm, which was a vegetable garden and the farmhouse.

My grandfather was a very important man in our community, and an excellent gardener. He won regional awards for his vegetable garden when I was a kid, and people would come from all over to buy his vegetables in season. But he passed away when I was 10 of bone cancer. Everyone loved my grandpa very much, and I loved him very much, he was an amazing man. There was not even standing room at his funeral at the church.

So, when I was a late teen, I came to see him as having been some sort of earth spirit or earth gaurdian. And that he was magical, and that he was a gaurdian of our neighborhood. And, upon his death, he passed that power to my mother, and after her death she passed it to me.

At the end of the street was a park with a lake and a playground. I would go there all the time, it was the park I'd gone to my whole life. Then, when I was about 18 or 19 years old, a building was built at the far end of the park. It was a non-descript office building, 3 stories high. It had large windows along one side, which overlooked another pond. Something about this building triggered me. It was suspicious to me.

I don't know exaclty what got me thinking this, but I believed that this building was the headquarters for a secret organization. The people in this organization were energy vampires, who cam into places where there was a lot of good, magical energy and would drain it. I believed the park was a keystone point of energy in my neighborhood, and so was my grandpa's field (which hadn't had a garden in many years by then,) and my yard. There were some other places, too.

Anyway, as the "protector" of the neighborhood, I began "investigating." I just had this feeling that these sinister people were there and I had to figure out a way to get rid of them. I know exactly the night that it escalated. The movie "The Truman Show" with Jim Carey had just come out. I went with some friends to the movie, then after we went to the park. It was late. I was telling them about the building and the evil society, and how I was "probing" the building with energy. And how I believed it also had a training facility inside, like with an obstical course and gym.

Anyway, one friend suddenly said, "They know we're here! Quick! Run!" So, we started to run. We ran through the park, up the hill, and toward the train tracks. A car turned onto the street and my friend told us to hide behind a bush. The car was a suped up 1970s version car, dark blue with white racing stripes, but it had 6 wheels (lined up like this 000 on each side.) Then we ran to the tracks and hid in another bush, down a small alley between houses, and hid as a cop car passed, this one also with 6 wheels.

We got my friend's house and I said, "Did you see, those cars had 6 wheels!" And one of my friend said something along the lines of they must be the vehicles of the secret organization. And I was freaking out, panicking.

After that, I firmly believed that they had discovered me, and that they were after me. That they wanted to hurt me. That they were stalking me outside my window at night. I would hear them walking around, and I called the police multiple times. I would tell everyone an anyone who would listen. I was terrified. For years. Another friend once said to me, "My sister works in a building downtown across from a government building, and do you know what? She says it's freaky to see the six wheeled cars."

And everyone would listen and smile, and nod and say "oh yeah, that's pretty crazy." Or whatever, but no one cared at all.

Then two of my other friends started to tell me that a man was calling them on the payphone outside the dairy queen. That he was from the organization and he knew how powerful I was and that he was going to find me, that my shields were not powerful enough, and he would eventually get through. Every time I was there to listen when he called, oddly enough, it would never happen.... >.>

And, then, at some point after my divorce when I was 25, the whole thing just stopped. And it didn't just stop, I completely forgot it. It's like my mind locked it up. And when I was 28 my oldest son was in martial arts and the school moved to a location in my old neighborhood. And I went to pick him up one day. I turned down the street, and the building was right in front of me. And it was like getting slapped in the face as the whole thing came back to me.

But this time, I was in shock and thinking "Oh my god, what the hell was wrong with me?" And I realized that my "friends" never were with me on the whole thing, that they found it amusing. And they obviously thought I was nuts, but instead of helping, they would make up crap to see what I would do. But, I trusted them, so of course I believed it....

And that, was my paranoid delusion, with what I believe visual hallucinations (six wheeled cars, sounds of people walking around outside my house.) And the fact that no one even ever bothered to argue with me about it. Even if they argued and made me mad, I think today I would feel like they cared. But they didn't.

Anyway, that's the whole story.

Now I understand... Oh, Dark_Heart, this is so so awful. It does sound like your 'friends' were not only playing with you, but actually making you worse, goading you... They should have been trying to help. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than exploiting people who are vulnerable, and you were very vulnerable. I'm so sorry. I understand why you replied how you did on FB. I don't know if there's some way you can explain to them what you were going through -in a general way- and how she and others exacerbated it, and seemed to have fun with it, not to mention not trying to help. Though they may be incapable of understanding and it might not be worth it. I'm very sorry this happened...

[BlueInanna]

I'm so sorry too DH . No not good friends, horribly immature, mean spirited, clueless. You are an amazing cherished friend to us here DH, Dear Heart , innocence betrayed. I'm so sorry. Love you much.

[faerie_moon_x]

That's just why I don't think I can ever be friends with her again. I mean, even if she apologizes.... I just don't trust her. I struggle so much with trusting people. I trust my husband, you guys, and my mother-in-law, and that's pretty much it.... Even my co-worker friends at work I'm suspicious of, and keep them at a distance. I'm suspicious of my dad and my aunts and uncles and all my cousins who I used to be so close to them.

I haven't checked facebook since. I just hate Facebook, it makes me mad more than anything else.