mornings

it's when I think. it's my alone time, and also my coffee time. It's when I let down all of my defenses and just be me. I don't have to be strong, put problems aside and/or make everything ok. I can just exist.

I think of a lot of things in the mornings. I think of where I'm at, how I got here and everything else.

I think of exactly what bp is.

It is a mood disorder, sure. but what does that mean?

it's like a pendulum.

One that brings hope and clarity when it swings close. not too close though. cuz it will bring hypomania if it swings too close. just close enough is good. it can calm all of the emotions that run rampidly throughout the day. it takes away the feelings of always doing something wrong. it helps me to forget the past and just live in the now.

sometimes I see myself backing up from the pendulum, keeping a good distance when it is swinging towards me. just to be cautious I guess.

but then it always seems to swing the other way, taking with it all of the good that it had brought. leaving me in a mess of emotions. In a mess of life and leaving me without any hope or confidence in the now, or even in the future.

but I have learned to deal with that. had a lifetime of practice. I get super logical when it is on the downswing, cuz I can't trust emotions then. I can't trust the way that I feel and I can't react or act according to the way that I feel. I must step outside of myself when that happens and logic is the only true thing that I have when that happens.

anyways... just thinking....

emotions are a powerful thing. people like us have to learn to not react or even trust them. we have to just accept and move on. we have to counteract the emotions that we have if we are ever to be successful in life. that really sucks.

but it's more than emotions. It's the shifting in our moods too... from the excitability to the depressing times. and with the shifts come floods of new emotions.

so really, we have to deal with the shifts and the emotions that it brings.
then there are the old thought patterns that I have.

my old, habitual way of reacting and dealing with the shifts that also drag me down. it's hard to break old habits and I have to deal with that too.

and lastly, there are perception shifts that happen when a mood and emotional shift happens as well. nothing is what it was and nothing is what it seems when that happens. I have to really rely on logic and be vulnerable and just trust that my perception is wrong and try, and try not to go around seeking reassurance cuz I know that nothing can reassure me when that happens.

So......

there are emotional shifts.
there are mood shifts.
there are perception shifts.

and the worst part about it, is one affects and even triggers the other!

they all blend together to make a wonderful world of hell when everything changes and they shift.

it's amazing that mornings like this, I can keep my head straight enough to even analyze this.

bipolar disorder is more than a challenge. it is like life or death for me, to not destroy everything that I have worked so hard for.

it would be so easy to give in sometimes. to indulge in my emotions and my mental state. to feel free instead of fighting. it's like a naughty thought, one that would allow me freedom and to just be myself.

I would give anything to not have to monitor and adjust myself 24/7.

Even in my dreams I monitor myself to make sure that I am within the appropriate and acceptable way of acting and responding.

I want to be free... but I also want to be normal.

I never asked for this. I hate emotions. I also hate feeling good cuz I know that what goes up... will always come down.

I hate it when I cry. I never should cry. it's weird.

oh well... just thought I would share.

my thoughts on this whole bp thing.

back to my world where everything is alright and where I am consistant regardless of emotions in turmoil, moods shifting and paranoid perceptions.

ugh....

it's a lot of work.

It's a type of slow torture and a constant struggle you have within yourself. Constantly questioning every thought you have and every damn emotion that you feel. Is that real? What is real, anyway?

I agree with every part of what you wrote. Very eloquently put.