[mico_lodeon]

Hi everyone,

I hope that you bear with me as well as my grammar as my story would be quite long and English is not my major tongue.

I am currently having the depressive side of the bipolar disorder after 3 years of living a normal life. I usually consider myself normal when I am the life of the party, when I crack jokes easily and whenever almost everyone considers me as a friend because of my funny, laid back and appreciative attitude. I have a good career, a very loving family and I have lots of friends.

It started out with Hypochondria (thought of severe illness) way back in 2007 and got introduced into the world of mental illness that included anxiety, depression and panic attack. If I am to recollect i believe I had experienced depersonalization as well that time. I haven't had any medication then and I cannot even remember how was I able to overcome those stuff.

The anxiety went back full blast in 2010 and I believed it was triggered by the thought of space. I mean the space that's everywhere around us, what is it made of? why is there a space and I researched the internet and I believe that made me worse because I had not been able to get an answer that satisfies me. My senses and consciousness got amplified I thinkk as I have thought suddenly of the Universe hardcore - Why there are planets, why is it so big and the hardest blow was the realization that we are alone in this planet. I went to a psychiatrist and he mentioned that I might be experiencing a bipolar disorder.

I went to another psychiatrist as I cannot accept to have such disorder as I read a lot of mental illnesses and for me bipolar then is very very hard to handle. The 2nd psychiatrist told me that I might be having a major depressive disorder with micro psychosis because of my thoughts about the planets and stuff. I took some medication but at that time I don't have much money and worse is that I got typhoid that's why I discontinued the medication. For some reason, my depression went away.

I thought that the depression saga was over as I went back to a normal life. Normal life as I define it as having still ups and downs but those that you can handle like money problems, career and others.

Now in 2013, my unanswered questions about our reality - about space and the extent of the universe haunted me again by the very single tweet in twitter that says that if the universe is indeed infinite then there is an exact copy of myself out there. I got depressed as it shook my core and it was something that I do not accept. My friends say to just shrug the thought off but it's something that suddenly snaps out of me whenever i try to distract myself with other things. It seemed to be that if the universe is indeed infinite, with us, as a tiny speck, then we are insignificant. I lost sense of everything like 'why do i have to work', 'why to I have to live'. I got really depressed and afraid of things like the math symbol Pi, dividing 1 by 0.. numbers.. and all that.. everything that will remind me of infinity.

I've read more and more articles about our universe and it didn't help at all; it even made me worse and non functioning. I consulted another shrink and this time I had accepted the fact that I have a bipolar disorder, with an episode that has years as gaps before an episode happens again. I am currently taking medication and undergoing psychotherapy.

According to the doctor, with how the therapy goes, she says that I have a positive outlook in life.

I do trust her but I just want to know if some of you undergo the same thing. I mean, I do care much about the outside our planet, what's in there. Why are we so little, I felt for us that we are so alone.. I just wanted to stop these thoughts and focus on what's here on earth, and do the things that i enjoy previously. i do wish to realize that the Universe is something to be appreciated, its mystery, its beauty and not a place to be afraid of. I want to recall the magic tricks that I have applied before to overcome my depression. I know this is just a phase, but depressive phases are like living hell.

Thank you for your time, support and love. hugs from the Philippines.

[ultramar]

if the universe is indeed infinite then there is an exact copy of myself out there.

I think that if the world is infinite then there are infinite variations, so many in fact, that no two people can be exactly the same. No one has experienced exactly what you have, no one. No one's mind works exactly the same as yours. All of us look out onto the world through different lenses.

I believe that we are all truly unique, and this gives me solace.

One way to go when you're feeling depressed like this, would be to try to distract yourself as much as possible to keep these intrusive thoughts at bay. But maybe you could also seek out literature that has a different take on the makings of the universe, things that would interest and comfort you. Best of luck.