I remember.

emotions blanketing everything around me. assigning meanings to things that would otherwise have none. desperate feelings growing stronger and stronger, raising my anxiety until my thoughts were that of ending it all. just desperately knowing that it was out there, beyond me. Searching endlessly. crying out on the inside, scared on the outside.

everything that I did was profound.
I escaped within my mind. I fantasized about being something greater than I was. something that could deal with everything that I knew I could not. I pretended that I was that person, the one that I fantasized about. and in pretending, I found that I could better deal with the things that were bigger than life, overwhelming.

leaving for work on time was bigger than life, and the closer it came, the more desperate I became. instead of getting ready, I just became desperate and my anxiety was through the roof and up with the clouds. I would cry. I would beg. I was stuck.

It was like that with everything.

now, it's different.
there is no meaning assigned to things. in fact, it's just the opposite. there is no meaning on things that maybe should have a meaning attached. I think maybe I am scared, a little, to assign meaning on things. but it is a choice now, whereas before every little thing was out of my control.

acceptance. that is the big thing that has changed. that and my meds. it has given me back the choices in life. If I just accept the changes from the cycles as normal, and just go with it and do the best that I can, that it has given me back the power to be who I had always fantasized about being.

right now for instance, I am late getting ready for work and I can feel the twinges, especially after writing about them, of the desperation I used to feel. the anxiety is starting to knock on my door. but now, unlike before, I can recognize them for what they are and when I do that, and accept that they will just be there and that it is ok, they do go away. it's weird, but there is a specific way that I have to think to deal with it.

I wish I could describe that way of thinking. But... by thinking that way, I probably let more things slide than I should. trade off.

anyways, that's me. enough emotional regurgitation from me.

peace!

[Travelinglady]

Peace to you, too! I am trying to forget the bad times!