[Nessa213]

My husband said to me that he thinks I'm always mad at him. I don't give him reassurances that I love him and he just has to... assume. He says he doesn't know what to do anymore because I'm always sad or pissed off and he thinks it's always because of him.

It breaks my heart because in my eyes I was seriously trying. Really ****ing hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. How can my perception be that off??? I just don't get it. I hate being me today. I've been either crying or on the verge of crying for literally the last 4 hours. I just hate it. I don't want to be in this place anymore.

[LadyShadow]

I'm so sorry your're in so much pain. But you're not alone. My ex-boyfriend ALWAYS thought I was mad at him. It's just how we are, we are sad and alone in our own head and sometimes they just can't help us.

I understand where you're coming from though. Don't cry. It is ok. I know my words may not take the pain away, but just take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I have dealt with this too.

[~Christina]

Awwwww Nessa

I'm so sorry that you are going through this mess. The same thing happened to me. The only thing that really helped my marriage was my husband coming with me to a Therapy appt. My Therapist helped him understand the struggle(s) I have. My husband does know now that I love him and even on days I can't seem to show it , he knows things are ok.

Try not to beat yourself up

[wildflowerchild25]

this happens to me alllll the time! I think i've been doing well expressing my feelings and then suddenly hubby says he can't stand my secretiveness anymore. so I understand. i hope it gets better for you. don't be tooooooo hard on yourself, it happens to most of us i'd say. it's hard talking to people who don't have the illness themselves.

[Nessa213]

Thanks guys

My husband and I had the same conversation we've had dozens of times in the last 10 years, but he seems to be "getting it" a little better lately. But it is really just getting exhausting. I think I'm going to ask him if he wants to go to my next therapy appointment.

No matter how many times I say "no... you didn't do anything to make me upset... I just am... and I'm sorry" he will almost ALWAYS think he did something, in turn, making me feel worse. Vicious cycle.

Despite that... I'm actually better today. Could be because he's working tonight though! lol

Yes, Nessa, I think it's a good idea to go to therapy with your husband so that a third,
objective party, can intervene and clarify what is really happening in your husband and
how his behavior may be contributing to your depression and how you may be able to
communicate with him on a level that doesn't threaten his security in the marriage.

There are solutions in therapy for that and they really can be very helpful if you have
a good therapist.

It's worth all the effort to get your marriage healthy and keep you and your husband
in a healthy relationship.

He's really being willing to try to make it work and that's a good sign.

Take care, both of you.

[faerie_moon_x]

Remember that people remember the negative more than the positive. It is part of human nature.

One thing me and my husband did to recover from the bad time is that we made a "positive" chart. One side is positive things he does. The other side is positive things I do. This includes promises we make. It also includes to be forgiving when we're not perfect. The chart hangs in our room.

I came up with this idea because he won't go to therapy, but we really needed it.

One of the big bad argument things is to say "you always" and "you never." It can be hard to remember something positive when the same annoyance comes up over and over. So, before an argument gets started, I march myself up to the chart and I look at all the positive things to remind myself of them. You'd be surprised how well it works.

[intergalactictraveler]

My wife has a difficult time understanding me when I'm in a depressive phase, which seems to becoming my new 'norm', though I have treatment resistant ultradian cycling. Don't know if my depression is purely the bipolar, hormonal(yes, men have hormone problems, too)or just getting tired of being trapped by this disease. She, too, has mood problems, but doesn't think she does, so we get caught in a cycle of finger pointing, anger and frustration.

She has made me understand that I'm not easy to live with and she understands she's not easy to live with. There was an Italian philosopher who said something like, "If two people understand that they don't understand each other, then you have the beginning of understanding." It's stressful and exasperating for those who share our lives and it's equally stressful for the one afflicted with a mood disorder. I agree and have found, communication is necessary. All we can do is try and keep trying, though it does sometimes feel like we're going around in circles.

[~Christina]

Nessa How are you today ?

[Nessa213]

Aww thanks for asking

We've been trying to talk things through and I hesitate to say that it's "better"... but I think it's heading in a better direction. We both work a lot too so really we don't get an opportunity to talk properly very often. (Wow that sounded kind of bad.)

Also! On top of awesome relationship issues I've been getting credit card companies and student loan people blowing up my phone. Yes... because calling 10 times a day is really going to ensure that you get your money faster! I digress...

[~Christina]

Nessa

I hope you and hubby can get back on same page.

Eh .. Bill collectors, I hear ya on the number of calls in a day, Crazy !

[Kristiemarie]

Oh Nessa...it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?

My husband felt the same way until I got on Lamictal which changed my life. (I can't be on it though because it caused a reaction). He needs to understand that you are sick and you are trying. I'm glad things seem to be better.

I have credit cards and student loans blowing up my phone too...sucks!!!

Keep on keepin on sister!

[faerie_moon_x]

Healing takes time, but if you stick to it you'll get there. Communication is good. I think it's pretty common to become disconnected when things like work get in the way.

Debt collectors are horrible. I could never do that job. Especially the ones who use illegal practices like telling you they are sending the police...

What I've learned about debt is it has replaced that section of our conciousness that used to make us be on high alert for dangerous things like lions. Cave men were terrified of lions because they would maul you to death. Modern men are terrified of debt collectors because.... uhm.... well, our brain equates them with things like lions that will maul us to death. That's why they cause so much stress. It's really frustrating. This is what I've learned by being harrassed for so long.

But, what I do is this, and these were suggested to me by the Attorney General (who I contact whenever debt collectors do illegal things.) It's everyone's right to do that. 1) don't talk to them on the phone, all contact should be through letter form. 2) report them ASAP to your attorney general when they do something illegal. It's their job to stop illegal practices. In my state, they contact you back and reassure you that the debt collectors are not going to maul you.

[avlady]

I also accuse myself of being hard to live with. I know alot of the time my husband just takes it with a grain of salt, as he's used to the moodiness, and knows it will go away, but when i'm in any kind of bad mood, or sad etc...I feel like it's an eternity. he seems to bee able to handle me well and says it doesn't bother him, as he knows good days are ahead of us and all that. i just have too many thoughts right now,especially anxiety that is killing me, and i don't even know where it's coming from. I think sometimes like he thinks I'm mad at him when I'm not, just another mood for me. I guess it's time to see my counselor and doc and i can't wait. In fact i think i have alot of thoughts now because my T is coming over today. Well I can't wait until she gets here!!!!!!!

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

What I've learned about debt is it has replaced that section of our conciousness that used to make us be on high alert for dangerous things like lions. Cave men were terrified of lions because they would maul you to death. Modern men are terrified of debt collectors because.... uhm.... well, our brain equates them with things like lions that will maul us to death. That's why they cause so much stress. It's really frustrating. This is what I've learned by being harrassed for so long.

This makes a whole lot of sense. I never thought about it that way. Also, it not only causes undue stress but it only adds to the "I feel like a failure" feeling. I've done something wrong... I know it... it's my fault they're calling me in the first place. I did something (read: bought something) that I couldn't afford in the first place so they're just collecting on something that I promised to pay.

It's an uphill battle. I was doing good for a while. For about 5 years I didn't have any credit cards because I knew I couldn't even handle it. So I just shut them all down. Within a year of getting two credit cards they're both just about maxxed and I'm late on payments. My fault. My bad. And it makes me feel like I've failed again.

Sigh. It's always something I guess.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, i dont' have any credit cards and I can't get any because my credit is so bad.

I have decided people with credit problems are not losers or failures. Our society is set up for people to fail. Not just in credit but with a lot of things like diets, relationships, and everything. We expect too much from everyone and put too much worth on money instead of on people. Money is an imaginary thing we've put value on. What is money? A representation of gold? What a gold? A pretty rock. Can you eat it? Drink it? Does it keep you warm? Nope. Really, no one can say we're crazy because we belong to a world where pretty rocks are more important than people.

So, you're not a failure.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

My husband said to me that he thinks I'm always mad at him. I don't give him reassurances that I love him and he just has to... assume. He says he doesn't know what to do anymore because I'm always sad or pissed off and he thinks it's always because of him.

It breaks my heart because in my eyes I was seriously trying. Really ****ing hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. How can my perception be that off??? I just don't get it. I hate being me today. I've been either crying or on the verge of crying for literally the last 4 hours. I just hate it. I don't want to be in this place anymore.

I know exactly what you are going through. I went through it all with my ex-husband. It wasn't until we got divorced and then back together that he started reading and researching about bipolar. There are books out there for people living with someone with bipolar. It made a big difference in both of our lives. He now understands me better and it makes me feel more important to him because he took the time out of his busy schedule to try and understand me. Im so sorry you are going through this I know how tough it is and how lonely it can feel. I hope things get better soon.

[chumchum]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

My husband said to me that he thinks I'm always mad at him. I don't give him reassurances that I love him and he just has to... assume. He says he doesn't know what to do anymore because I'm always sad or pissed off and he thinks it's always because of him.

It breaks my heart because in my eyes I was seriously trying. Really ****ing hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. How can my perception be that off??? I just don't get it. I hate being me today. I've been either crying or on the verge of crying for literally the last 4 hours. I just hate it. I don't want to be in this place anymore.

Nessa,

At the risk of sounding horribly simplistic, may I offer my 2 cents? Have you tried little things like leaving a small love note for him to find? I know when we feel overwhelmed things like this sound silly. But they add up over time and bring reassurance to him as well as you. You could list like 3 things you like about him and things like that. I hope I do not sound judgmental either. I just want to help. If you try this will you let us know how it affected your relationship? I wish I had done these things when I was married. Too late for me but not for you. I wish you the best and hope it gets better.