[Nessa213]

I'm not sure what it is about being in a depression. But every time I am, it's almost as though I don't WANT to get out of it. Like I don't deserve to get out of it. I sabotage myself in order to stay there. Why?

I'll find more and more reasons why I shouldn't be happy. There's always something wrong. And despite the "not really feeling better if I tried" kind of feeling, it's as if I wouldn't feel better even if I was able to, or if I knew how to. If there WERE some way to "snap out of it", I wouldn't do it. I want to stop doing anything and everything that could even make me happy. Thinking it's not working anyway. Like I've somehow earned my place... in the dark depressing place.

Depression visits me a lot... quite a lot... and for some reason it almost feels real or right. I don't know... another thing I don't think I can explain. It's as though all my happiness and any joy I've ever felt was fake. THIS is a real me. I put on that face before. That wasn't me. THIS is me. And maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be.

Everything I see is wrong. It's a hopeless kind of place. It's not a sadness. It's an apathy. An intense and almost crippling apathy where I simply can't care. And I couldn't explain it either. And I don't want to explain it.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense at all....

[wildflowerchild25]

I used to feel like that quite often. Like I might as well stay depressed because I didn't know what I could be without it. I felt like it was my identity and I had no way to find something else.

Like why bother? At least this place is familiar....

[millions]

That makes perfect sense. This is how I feel all the time. It's like I want to get rid of the depression but I want to keep it at the same time. It's weird and some people wont understand it. I'm kind of like an all-the-time depressed. It never goes away and I feel like it never will. I just feel like I'm suppose to feel like this. But yeah, I totally know what you mean by this.

[~Christina]

Nessa

It's a very common state of mind and thought process to fall into. Getting out of it ... Ugh It sucks to be honest ( remembering my last depression) I do know that with the help of my T it took many baby steps and I had to force myself to trust that I deserved it. I would put post it notes here and there, very basic reminders " it's ok to feel sad" " this will change" "Ill cycle out of this" Etc ..

Every week my Therapist would hand me a sealed envelope and I would open it when I got home, sometimes it was something positive , some silly and a few that made me mad ! Yes he used my Anger to help me. My husband would add a few here and there.

I think the most important thing that we somehow someway need to keep a grasp on is ... yes eventually things will change, they will .

Nessa, I know what you're talking about. I can tell you that I have to take myself in
hand and do some things that help. That might include:

1. Be careful not to watch images of things that are negative or that affect your emotions. Cut off the t.v. if something is on that depresses you. Don't listen to negative words or ideas.

2. When you find yourself thinking negative things about yourself, picture a broom in
your mind just sweeping them away.

3. Drink water; depression can have toxic components to it, and drinking purified--not
tap--water can go a long way in removing toxins.

4. I found that if I stopped drinking anything with caffeine in it, some of the negative
emotions just drained away. Sugar sensitivity will cause the toxic condition, too. Again,
drinking lots of purified water helps.

5. Take any prescribed medications as I was supposed to

and

6. If the feelings are hard to manage, get some good meditative materials and start
reading. When you feel you've dispelled some of it, relax, and then sleep well.

I hope a little of this will help; it does work for me. (The "lemon thing" I talk about
is good for cleansing the liver, too. That might help you; it does work for some of us.)

[A Red Panda]

I feel like that a lot when I am depressed. Like what's the point in bothering?

Know what helps me? I imagine the depression to be a lot like a parasite It is using me and will do anything it can to stay alive at my expense! And just like any other parasite, that grosses me out so I am going to rebel and get rid of it!

[Nessa213]

You all are so nice. It's good to know that at the very least this kind of thinking is "normal" in a maddening kind if way. Right now I'm doing a little better. (The original post was me sneaking on while I was at work and had been staring blindly at the same spreadsheet for 2 hours. And people wonder why I'm losing my mind.)

Genetic: I am WAY guilty of #1. I may or may not have a playlist at work... titled "Lost Cause"... I try really hard to not listen to it. Even deleted it a couple of times... but if I'm just in the mood for Evanescence or some of the more depressing Florence and the Machine then it will always find it's way back. (Found a new depressing indulgence: Lana Del Ray... who is amazing.)

I've been doing the lemon thing! I have a hard time with it at work but when I get home it's no problem. (Probably why now... at 7:30... I'm feeling a little better.)

[hamster-bamster]

Nessa,

You need to do things as you did rote memorization at school - even though you do not feel like it.

The hard part with depression is that it basically reinforces itself.

I was once on Risperdal which caused low energy and I was in a horrible situational depression. Risperdal caused acne to my otherwise flawless skin. Horrible acne - a huge new zit every day.

I did have insurance. I did have a dermatologist. I lived within a few train stations from the dermatologist's office.

I did not go. Did not feel that I deserved clear skin.

Seeing the horrible skin made me more depressed.

So it is a downward spiral that makes things worse with every second.

If I could go back, I would have gone to see a dermatologist as a mechanical step, without feeling like it.

I personally do not see any problem with Evanescence which I happen to like a lot - listening to Evanescence mirrors your mood rather than worsens it, and in some way acknowledges the mood, which to me is a good thing. Art and music exist for a good reason.

I would just do, methodically, things that need to get done to improve your physiological state - LOTS of fluid (water, electrolyte water, tea, maybe a bit of juice but not too much, milk, kefir, fruit smoothies unless to sugary, maybe even an occasional milk shake from an ice-cream parlor), balanced meals, sunlight, some exercise, social connections even in the form of forum posts or short emails to friends or chats with coworkers to fight the tendency towards social isolation. If you use make-up, do not fall below your usual expectations of self-care.

Sounds so good, Nessa. You're alert now to what might be making the depression linger longer than it has a right to.

Take care; keep up the "lemon thing" please until you feel better. Then, please,
use it only on occasion.

Thanks for the message.

[sprik]

depressioin breeds more depressions, itd kinda lika a dog thinking he can catch his tail hahahah I have tried listen to music i enjoyed as a teenager, it reminds he of a better time in my life,plus i know all the words hahhahah, Also my t has made me get up and do things, even if u start out with one -2 things a day and work up every week, busy body, has no time to think. Sitting , or when im tired is hard or getting up in the morning or watching tv is really hard on me to also I love quote and affirmations, writing drawing and chatting and writting poetry, i like meeting new people and talking