Sever confusion days... hate hate hate them!

I feel okay today mood-wise. A little agitated but not like depressed or manic much (not more than usual for me anyway...) Like... I don't feellike I'm about to explode or anything. Or like I'm going to crawl into a ball and die.

So but today is confusion day.

I have the head pressure. It feels like my head is full of air. like a balloon too full and about to explode. I get this sometimes. I feel lonely in this.

I think I know where or what I'm posting. Then I check and no... wrong tope. Or, what I'm saying is just a mush of words. I deteled a few things I said earily because I'm just feeling so confused.... grrr.... frustrating.

I was going pretty okay. I wanted to start to write again. I was just thinking about it this morning.

I found an article, though. I like that it shows my type of bipolar exists and I'm not a weirdo. But, i don't like the author says "intelligance" instead of "cognition." I am very intelligent. It's just my ability to access it doesn't always work okay like today. It's like a door in my brain. My intelligence, memory, focus ect etc is there, on one side. Cognition is the key you use to open the door. See, even right now I still understand that.

Here's the article....
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Waves.htm

Hi Faerie,
I know this is the obvious question, but do you think that any med adjustments might help? I am seriously considering talking to my pdoc again (saw her last week) because I am so tired of thinking one word and having another come out of my mouth. I absolutely hate it, because my words aren't conveying my thoughts.
It seems that you have a similar, but more complex problem because your words won't come out when you speak or type, and you are confused-at least when I type, my fingers can put down the right words.
One more thought, are you sure that this is a part of having bipolar? It sounds like some pretty serious brain stuff going on, and I know how intelligent you are.
I hope that you will explore the causes with your doctors. I'm sending hugs your way.

Bluemountains

I have no doctor, no insurance, no meds. Make too much for medicade. So, no med adjustment for me.

It itsn't a brain thing.... or it is,, but it is something to do with bipolar brain or the severity of my bipolar or that I have psychosis or maybe because I have mixed states all the time instead of rarely. Maybe my dx is wrong. Or maybe not wrong but maybe I have bipolar + other something. Lots of maybe but no answers.

Next year I hope to get some sort of insurance with the healthcare reform. Then I will see a neuorpyschologist.

My biggest thing is I don't want to take meds until then to show this isn't being caused by meds. Often it gets dismissed by that when asking questions. "it's just meds." well, not for me.

I'm so sorry, Faerie, that the system sucks! I won't go on my political rampage, but everyone deserves the right to medical care. I hope that healthcare reform doesn't get too watered down before it serves the ones who need it.
Meds are a trade-off in some cases. I don't have to deal with major mood swings, but I have to deal with side effects.
You are actually managing your bipolar quite well. You are staying educated, looking for answers.

Bluemountains

Thanks, Blue.

I'm a lot better today. My mind is clear but I feel more depressed. Oh well. I'd rather be depressed than confused any day, but my depression is not that sever. Maybe because I'm already a little depressed every day, it just isn't that big of an adjustment. I'm not sure.

You are not alone. I had this problem when I was not on meds. I was very confused and foggy quite a bit. In fact, feeling that way is what finally got me to the pDoc. I scared myself and began to really fear I'd lose my job for messing up so much and not being able to get things completed. And, God, my house was a huge disaster. I could never put it together enough to clean anything. Honestly, this "phase" is the most difficult to me. It is confusing in itself to be so confused. I read the article you posted and it makes sense to me. In describing a recent switch from what I was perceiving as normal to rapid downward decline she actually called it "dysphoric mania". And I completely relate to the description of wanting to get up and do what I need to do, but not physically being able to do it. And not in a depressive way. More like I just cannot make my body move. For example, I was in the hospital (off meds but for something else) recently and all alone. I wanted my phone which was across the room. It took me at least 15 minutes to be able to get up and get it - to be able to talk to my body enough so that I could coordinate the motivation with the movement. And I wasn't sick in a way that prevents movement at all. I don't know it's awful. I'm glad you feel better now.

I feel you on the insurance. I was self-employed last year and had to pay out-of-pocket for all of my son's ADHD treatment. It was over $1,000 a month. But no one would/could help (medicaid, nonprofits, etc) because of my income. In the meantime, he was struggling a ton in school and emotionally and I was just trying to survive with no meds. We were a serious mess at home.

The good news is that meds for me have made this much, much better. Maybe that will give you some hope.

Hang in there & Big hugs!!!

Duh - by "she" above, I mean my counselor.

Hi girls - I would say guys, but you know...

I too am in the mix. I'm lucky enough to have a dad that's got a great retirement income but in the process, because we reside together, I don't qualify for anything - because HE makes too much.

I've been bipolar for 27 years now and yes, the meds do help - a lot. But, to take them well, you have to have 'adjustments' now and then. All that takes is knowing what you feel while on a particular prescription and being able to relay that to your doctor. Being absolutely honest with the doctor is a must too.

But now I also have a big problem with my back, severe stenosis as well as c-4 and c-5 no longer being connected. Makes for some serious chronic pain as well as the ability to flop over at a moment's notice because I can't feel my legs.

But, as I said, the father makes cash, so I qualify for nothing and that's not going to change with ObamaCare. When he dies, I've got zip, nothing, nada. Right now, he's 79 and I'm trying to get an SSI case settled so that I won't be caught with no other answer but the big goodbye.

Therefore I say to you both --- be thankful, it could be worse. Like me. Hugs

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If you get on SSI make sure you get on Medicare and make sure you sign up for Part D. Even though it costs you a bit to sign up for it, it's worth it. My mother-in-law is on SSI with medicare, she's only 50. But, she never signed up for part D. She has bipolar and chronic degentritive bone disease, so she's in massive pain 24/7 and randomly breaks her bones. (In the 1.5 years she's lived with us she's broken her rib and her leg just by doing normal everyday things, like walking.) Anyway, her pain med is $120 a month with the dicount she receives through the pharmacy for not having insurance.... She can't get her seroquil which is around $400 or so a month... So, just 2 pills pays for it.

Anyway, I hope you can get on Medicare because that will help you. Since I work, I'm not there just yet.

Thanks for the note - I sure will do that as morphine is far more expensive than the methadone I now have to take because I can't afford the morphine - it's over 300.00 a month - Jesus, ya know? It started out in the 30's and within six months it was 300.00. Same thing with my hydrocodone - it started at 15.00 and has now skyrocketed to 80 bucks.
It's just crazy.

I spent the day working on my claim. At least I sorted papers - let me be honest. I do have some questions and that's at least a start. And, I know some of the documents I have to review to be able to answer what the court will be looking at. It's amazing how quickly they want to disqualify a person. I am not the sort to ask for help, but they, the SSA, can't seem to understand that I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it.

If I get turned down --- I'm totally screwed. ::

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The last several years my confusion has gotten a lot worse. It's confusing just to try and describe the confusion that I feel. That's what hurt's me the most. I have 2 degree's and people think that just because at one time my mind worked normaly that it should now. I have shed a lot of tears over this and I cannot dwell on it to long because my mind will go places that I don't want it to. Some days I feel completely worthless because I'm disabled now and when I have those days like I used to it can get very disturbing because I ask myself why can't I function like this everyday. It just doesn't happen for me anymore.

Yes, it is so frustrating and distressing to suddenly feel the skills you once felt were so strong are slipping through your fingers. I cried for two hours when I found out how much I had slipped and was told I am in a high risk zone for things to get worse and not better.

Cognitive games are my only hope at this point. The confusion comes in out of no where, and then it's gone. This happens regardless of mood. But I'm not giving up hope.

This weekend I lost my keys for 2 days! I have very speicific places where I put my things. I put my phone, purse, lunch bag, keys, and work badge all together on my dresser. Everything was there but my keys.... I couldn't figure it out. I finally found them last night in my sock drawer under my socks.

Also we ordered dinner in yesterday. The guy on the phone kept interupting me. As a result, I ordered dinner for everyone but myself, and didn't even realize it until the food had already come.... I was really hungry too. My husband says, "How can you forget something like that?" And I just said, "If my thought process gets interrupted, I forget things. That's how I lost my keys." And the smallest things can interrupt that process now.

It's like a black hole in the brain.