[LiteraryLark]

For a couple weeks I saw myself heading downhill, but I was still feeling good. My mom kept telling me over and over that I don't deal with transitions well, and I knew it was true in the back of mind but she always has to comment on my bipolar so I brushed it off because I was feeling good.

Then things hit me all at once.

I am heading back to college in the fall, and for the past two-three weeks I have been studying with a Master Student textbook of how to become a good student that I had from my College Survival class. Today I registered for classes and got the classes I wanted. But now I am worried about passing classes and studying and writing good articles for the newspaper class I signed up for.

My new job was so horrible I had to quit after five days without finding a new job first because I couldn't stick it out. So now I am unemployed and have to figure out where I am getting money for textbooks or how I'll get around without gas money. My mom made a deal that she would pay me back after I pass the classes, but I would have to pay for the books upfront.

I was stoked about getting an IUD until my appointment today about all of the complications of things that could go wrong during surgery after already being nervous about going through surgery, and now I am getting cold feet and don't think I can go through with it in my current state.

I started smoking to help control the raw feelings, but it's only making me feel guilty afterwards, but I know that it will pass too and I'll stop smoking once I am feeling up again.

And now I am feeling so depressed, I've been crying all day. The past two weeks I've been very moody and my moods have been up and down. I feel like lashing out (and I did at two of my dear PC friends and apologized) and breaking things and screaming and crying.

I'm angry that I should have caught this before I spiraled. I knew this was coming, but I didn't act fast enough. There was nothing wrong with my meds, it was all external things and transitioning that got me spinning.

But the inner optimist in me is still here, and she knows that I've gone through this before and it will be okay, that it will pass. But it's such a painful, horrible experience to go through. So far I am making small but good progress at keeping things under control. I am out exercising even when I don't want to, I am listening to soothing music (Skrillex is my new boy toy and his raw music is indeed soothing to someone going through the raw feelings I've been feeling) and I am not letting the negative thoughts control me--my inner optimist is reasoning with the pessimist thoughts and I am completely aware of what is happening to me and I am making steps to fight back. I have also let my counselor know about how bad I've been, and she signed me up for a bipolar support group first thing in the morning. I don't like support groups, but I have to keep an open mind for my counselor's sake, if not my own.

I just wish this could be over before I have to go back to school, but I'm also scared I'm going to have another episode. That's always been my fear, but I'm on the right meds and I don't think that will happen. It just sucks that this has to happen when things were starting to look good.

[Victoria'smom]

Breath.... try not to stress yourself out. I hope you enjoy the support group. I'm trying to decide whether school's a good idea this fall. Try to relax, see if you can get a book voucher. I'm sorry your job was that bad. Hold off for your surgery until thanks giving brake