Yep. it's me. Just logging on cuz I needed to vent some things that simply don't belong on Facebook or on my blog or anywhere in the mainstream.

Yeah. I'm quitting smoking and it's stirring up all of these emotions in me. Sux, yeah, it's B.S. really. These emotions are ones that feel really close to those that I have had when I was not stable. Yep. It reminds me of times when I was desperate. I got over those a while back, a long while back, and I don't need them now. I know that cuz of this, my confidence is shot. I don't feel like I am very capable when I don't smoke cuz of this. cuz of these emotions that are so very similar, if not the same as I felt before.

Now, I know that this issue can be moderated with relaxation and deep breathing and all that jazz.... but I have never gotten over the fact that, even though I am stable, I still feel differently than those around me. It's like, there is a huge difference in me still, and always has been and probably always will be, and I don't understand why. This really plays into the not smoking for me because it really brings this fact out even more than it already is.

If I pay attention to this difference that there is between me and others around me, healthy others, than it becomes obvious that there is some sort of mental handicap that I have. maybe it's an emotional handicap affecting logic and such, but there definitely something there that is, say stunted or not developed. Anyways, the way that I deal with this is to ignore it, not pay it any attention and just move on and do the best that I can. If I pay it any attention, then that's when I feel sick. And when I feel sick, there are changes in my behavior and thinking that just affirm that I am sick.

Now, when I say sick, I mean unstable and in emotional turmoil. Like, huge turmoil. It triggers depression. depression turns into hypo when I stop caring. It's kind of like the hypo pulls me out of the depression when it's been too long, kind of like my saving grace. I have always felt that it was me saying, "enough!" But in reality, it's only a mood shift, a mental shift... my brain chemistry going too far in the other direction.

Anyways, I'm not making this up that I feel sick sometimes. And if I pay attention to it, it's like acknowledging that I am sick. Because that's when it all starts. my trigger I guess. But if I don't acknowledge it, then I can fumble my way through and avoid the more severe symptoms. It drives me nuts thinking about it. It's like, if I was to be sick, or having a mild episode, then would it really matter how I thought about it at all? I'm not making it up when I give it attention and have an episode, and I'm not making it up when I fumble through with only the emotional turmoil and avoid the episode.... so which is it? It's also not a decision to have or not have an episode, but the way that I describe it, it sure seems that way.

All I can piece together is that it is under my control just how triggered I become cuz of it, at least to an extent. I can avoid episodes by not getting triggered, I guess. At least that's what I got out of what I just wrote. I type to figure things out, and I had no where else to type. sorry.

But, going through the crap of not smoking brings to light and amplifies all of the mixed up emotions that can trigger me. So.... what? I'm just never supposed to quit smoking? Or wait, maybe it's I'm just not strong enough or good enough? ha!

sorry to be facetious, but I have lost my sense of humor about it.

I am on 300 mg. XL of Wellbutrin to help me quit. It worked before for me, but before it threw me into a hypomanic state. Come to think of it, I don't know how I even talk my Psychiatrist into letting me have it based on my history. lol... maybe it's cuz of all the other meds I mindlessly take for my disorder.

this disorder. this sickness? is it a sickness? Doubt it. I think that disorder generalizes it pretty well. I don't know what else to call it. I use the phrase sick when I am having an episode though. Cuz to me, that's what it is. That's what I am. Sick.

Ugh.... anyhoot, just venting. Glad to have a place that I can do that about my "disorder" lol.

[gayleggg]

I quit smoking in 1993. I used the patch. I understand how hard it is to quit. As your body gets used to not having the smoking hopefully you will level back out on your moods. Glad you came hear to vent.
Gayle