To tell, or not to tell? That is the question.

Lately, about half the time, I've been feeling like I need to share my recent diagnosis for further healing. I've only shared this with my husband, but with everyone else in my life (close friends, parents and other family), there has been this nagging feeling like I should. I know everyone is different; I understand not everyone shares their diagnosis, or has to for that matter, but I'm curious if anyone has found it helpful or therapeutic to tell people--even the ones who weren't exactly supportive or 'all ears' in the past. I've been at my Mother's house a couple of times in the last two weeks. We get along fine enough, but nobody ever talks about mental illness, despite it running rampant in my family. My family is essentially hush hush about it all, but even so, a couple of times I've come close to sitting her down and telling her about my recent visits, diagnosis, and the medication I'm taking. I didn't, because I just couldn't get the words to formulate, and then I questioned myself over whether or not it'd be 'helpful' to my healing. I know there's no wrong or right answer, but what do you guys think? Is it necessary for people to know if I'm getting things under control and have support from a loving spouse? If she didn't connect the dots with my behavior before (my brother and Aunt both have BD), does she really need to know now?

Hi millionaire (we should talk if true)

I am very, very conflicted about this question, so in the end only you'll know where you want to go from here.

I think it's therapeutic to have a couple of IRL friends who you can be totally open with. Be careful, of course--not because you should be ashamed but because there are plenty of truly messed up people who would gossip about you or otherwise use the info in a negative way; be particularly wary of sharing with work friends--and also be forewarned that even when you think you've identified proper outlets, they may feel uncomfortable discussing the really hard stuff and may change the topic whenever you bring it up--which of course would make them very poor outlets!

As to your mother, that's particularly hard in my book. Depending on your mother's ability to deal with reality and be emotionally available to you, you may run the risk of becoming hurt and disappointed at her response. I'm only extrapolating from my own experience, where I really should have known better than to give her that chance to live up to my low expectations. (I just didn't realize it was possible for her to outdo herself in the departments of denial and emotional distance!)

I'm really happy to hear that you have a loving and supportive spouse. And no, it's not necessary for anyone else to know. It's yours to tell. And then do so not because you feel obligated but because you see an opportunity to take a truly supportive relationship to the next level.

Welcome!

My parents know, a couple friends I gushed to when hypo (and an ex that I fb messaged the effing Iliad during that same episode) and my doc. I didn't get medicated til I got sober (at age 30), so any change in me, I assume that, people assume its due to the sobriety.

From here forward its a need to know type thing. Will I tell any of my friends, maybe, but probably not; now if I entered a monogamous relationship I feel it would be unfair to not of us if I didn't tell them.

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Thank you both for your input. Though I had been mulling all kinds of possibilities in my head today, hearing some advice from other people sort of put it all into perspective; though the issue itself isn't as easy as a 'yes' or a 'no', your guys' own experiences and advice helped me greatly in deciding the best option(s) for me as I continue to recover and get to a more content place. Sometimes it's hard going through each day with this burden. I don't want to proclaim to every stranger, 'HEY, I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER AND PTSD!", but to the people with whom I've closer relationships, I feel like it's being bottled up inside me. But I'll get there, wherever it is I'm going; thanks again to you both for taking the time to respond.

-G

Aside from your parents, husband and children if any, and may a very close friend, it's nobody's business and you should not feel obligated to tell them. I'm sure they do not confide to you their deepest secrets and feelings. And as some one already mentioned, people like to gossip.

My mom was particularly hard to tell her. My mom knew I was on medication for mental illness and she was very negative about it. The breaking point for us was when she was passive aggressive related to my son being in her area. I lost it on her explaining it was a MI emergency and what I would/n't share with her in the future. Since then she has tried to be supportive. I do not feel it would have 'sank in' with-out that confrontation but I really wish I could have just sat down earlier and explained.

I think it would have been worse if she found out because I was hospitalized.
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I asked my dad to take me to inpatient once and it ended up killing our relationship and I stayed home anyway.

So it just depends

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When I was first diagnosed I told lots of people, my whole family, all of my friends, I thought it might help them understand my behaviour. Instead I was told that I shouldnt be telling people about private medical conditions and it just makes people awkward and uncomfortable.

I stopped telling people after that but the rumours started and I now have very few "real life" friends. None of the original friends who I thought would be by my side forever are left, once I told them I had a mental illness I didnt see many of them again.

People look at you differently, but I cant describe it. I can see it between people who know and people who dont. If I had my time again I would only tell my dad and my boyfriend.

Its up to you, it might be different for you, but this was my experience.

I think, ultimately, the decision has to be based on what YOU can handle, not what THEY should or should not know. This is where you get to be the center of your universe : ). If you are prepared for any response that may arise from your family because you feel secure and are ready to heal fully...then tell them and feel the freedom of living without anything to hide. However, if you feel vulnerable to possible responses...wait to tell them until you feel more secure and grounded. I look at telling people like this: if you are a mighty oak and you don't mind people swinging from your branches or crawling up your trunk and you know you can weather any storm then tell any and all people that you feel like telling. If you are still a seedling or a fresh transplant...your root structure and branches cannot support the weight of ignorant people who decided to hang on your branches or crawl up your scrawny trunk...their weight and energy could break you (even if it is well intended). People should not be given information that could hurt you when you are just beginning to grow.

At this point I felt secure enough to tell my mom, grandma, brother and aunt. I have 2 friends who know it, too. One with BP, the other with Schizophrenia. Actually the one with schizophrenia didn't tell me about her DX until i told her about mine! Wild huh. Thats it. I am not ready to handle the rejection or stupid comments that may follow if I tell everyone.

I would say telling is probably good, but one at a time. Especially if your family is always 'hush hush' about this, putting this in the open could help the next generation figure out what's going on, since it appears to run in the family. Also, it can be very helpful to have a strong support network. That way, if you're feeling suicidal or something one night, you have many people who can try to contact for help.

Right after my diagnosis I told my immediate family (wife, children, brother, sister) by way of explaining 35 years of bad behavior. My parents are deceased, so I didn't have to deal with that. I also told a couple of close friends who I could trust not to pass it along.

My doctor told me I should tell at least one trusted co-worker. He said that if I had an episode at work and I didn't realize it, my co-worker could let me know that I needed to go home.

So far all of that has worked for me. YMMV.

I found myself feeling a bit like you, debating whether I should tell the people close to me. I eventually did tell most of those people, but it wasn't because I felt I should, so much as that I had to do it for me. I just found that I was constantly thinking about whether or not to tell, acutely aware that they didn't know, having to watch what I said etc. I found keeping it a secret to add to the burden of it, and to add to my personal stigma. I told people gradually and then at some point I just reached critical mass, and it no longer felt like a secret so I haven't needed to tell anyone since. Not all the reactions were great, but there's no one I regret telling.

I don't talk regularly with most people about it though, just my husband. But I know I can say when I'm depressed, or that when I've somehow ended up in Morocco I can freely say it's due to mania. It's not for everyone, but for me telling was part of my healing.