[beth0226]

I've not been doing well for the past month or so. I am recently divorced with 3 kids who I only see 50% of the time. When I have my kids I usually feel fantastic! I am productive, creative, and in a great mood. But the days and nights that I don't have them, a switch flips in me, and I feel horrible. I haven't cut myself in 10 months, but now when I'm alone I fantasize about sticking myself with pins between my toes where nobody would see. I can't find the motivation to go to the store or do my laundry. I just quit therapy yesterday. I had been seeing her for 4 1/2 years and I love her. I said it was because of money, but I really did it to hurt myself. 2 months ago I stopped having monthly ECT because I hate it, and 1 1/2 months ago my pdoc switched me from saphris to latuda along with the welbutrin and Zoloft that I've taken for years. I really like the latuda though- I've lost 8 pounds! I'm not sure what to do. I don't want another med change, and I really really don't want any more ECT. Also, I want to see my therapist again, but I was so dramatic I'd be too embarrassed to go back. I really feel sorry for myself- any advice?

[gayleggg]

Counselors are used to drama. Call up and make an appointment and just be up front. It will be okay.

[Victoria'smom]

Try to be upfront with pdoc and T. You don't want a med change or ECT but you want to work on it in therapy. You may want to try seeing the therapist more often. I'm sure after 4.5 yrs she knows it's not a money issue. I'm sure you've apologized to others so you've had practice . Do a quick I'm sorry for acting that way. I had a lot going on that I didn't want to talk about.

[beth0226]

Thanks for your advice. It sounds like you both think that I should call my T. She said that she would call to check on me next week, I guess I'll wait and figure out what I'm going to say. I just don't know how to get by until then.

[ultramar]

It sounds like your moods often correspond to when you have your children or not --understandably you feel happy when you're with them!

Is there any way you can see them more frequently?

How do you feel when you don't have them that makes you feel so awful, want to SH, etc. (aside from the obvious sadness)? Do you feel guilty, lonely...? Maybe identifying the emotions that run through you in regards to the custody of your children will help you through those times.

As someone said, therapists are used to drama I'd get in touch with her and say you'd like to go back. It sounds like it was going well/helping you. Best of luck.

[Victoria'smom]

Call her tomorrow

[beth0226]

I wish that I could see my kids more often, but my ex threatened to take the kids from me completely because of my mental illness. I wasn't sure if he really could, but he is always able to bully me. I'm not sure what feelings make me so down- loneliness, frustration, guilt, self pity. Probably all of the above. The thing is that I feel like I deserve this pain and quitting something that helps me is one more way that I can hurt myself. I don't really care very much about my own happiness, but today my depression leaked into my time with my children. I was a lazy mom today and I even ordered food because I was too tired to cook.

Originally Posted by beth0226

I wish that I could see my kids more often, but my ex threatened to take the kids from me completely because of my mental illness. I wasn't sure if he really could, but he is always able to bully me. I'm not sure what feelings make me so down- loneliness, frustration, guilt, self pity. Probably all of the above. The thing is that I feel like I deserve this pain and quitting something that helps me is one more way that I can hurt myself. I don't really care very much about my own happiness, but today my depression leaked into my time with my children. I was a lazy mom today and I even ordered food because I was too tired to cook.

By hurting you, you hurt your kids. They love you. And I bet your kids saw the take-away as a treat. I was always so excited on the rare occasions that we got to have it as a kid. No one is Super-mom. You sound like a really great mom.

[middlepath]

Call your T. It will be ok, in fact, the reason she said she would check on you in a week is possibly because she knew your actions were out of character...so she already may have some insight into where you are emotionally. It will be ok, just call.

Ps. I feel good being around my kids too. When I am not with them, and the quiet moments set in, all of the self-hatred i have tends to bubble up. I don't SI, but i self-loath really well. Hugs to you.

[beth0226]

How do you get through the times when you self loath? I try to sleep as much as I can, but when I can't I just think about terrible things.

[middlepath]

I wish I could tell you the answer to sucessfully getting through. That is the one area that I feel totally in the dark. There are times that i feel my soul is black and that i am a horrendous human being that doesn't deserve to live. that everyone around me is better off without me. The best I can do for myself at those times is just to say to myself that my feelings are an illusion, that my feelings are dependent on my brain chemistry at the time. Even though the pain isn't any less, it makes me remember that my feelings are going to pass and that i will be ok again at some point. I am practicing "letting go" and sometimes i even acknowlege that yes, there are parts of me that are jerkish, but we all have those parts and i am just more prone to self-examination than many neuro-typicals. It sounds sappy but i try to distract myself with comedic humor, too. movies with vince vaughn or will ferrell have a way of helping me through sometimes. I don't know if that helps you at all....I am kind of a train wreck emotionally (though I appear ok and poised most of the time).

[beth0226]

"There are times that i feel my soul is black and that i am a horrendous human being that doesn't deserve to live."

I feel the exact same way so much of the time! Why do I feel like this? I also feel like I deserve to feel like this, but I don't know what I did that was so bad. I've been talking on another thread about being raped when I was 16, and that I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that I am blaming myself for it still, but could that be why I need to be punished? I've actually talked briefly with my T about it but I don't think that I should bring it up again- it's been 22 years! I'm sure that this is partially why I quit therapy. I did work up the nerve to call my T yesterday. She doesn't work Fridays so I left her a message- I don't know when she'll call me back. Probably not until Monday. It's my ex's weekend with the kids and Monday seems so far away!

[middlepath]

well, we share a history of abuse, though mine was not rape. I often feel as though I am worthless and deserving of punishment...I think it is rooted in the fact that my father beat the crap out of me (as a young child i immediately concluded it was because I was either worthless or deserving of punishment), and I now carry on where he left off...though i TRUELY do not want to feel this way, something at my core was changed after enduring his rage so frequently. I do not seem like a "victim" to people who know me, in fact they would argue (i think) that i am a very strong woman who can handle herself. Unfortunately, most people don't know what happens on the inside...i am still a young, broken, beaten, little girl who doesn't really know how to go through life. Bipolar ends up making what would be a complicated journey to recovery seemingly impossible at times. I will say that since I have DRAMATICALLY increased my self care, my moods have become more stable. stability has allowed me to access and begin to process my past. literally, a year ago, i would not have been able to articulate why i hate myself...i would just engage in self-destructive behaviors haphazardly. So, I do feel that the road is long and lonely, but at least, FINALLY, i can see the path! Ignoring bipolar and not taking care of myself for so long really kept me in the dark. So, while I don't have any answers, I can say that simply being here on PC and discussing our "demons" may, in fact, be progress toward healing. At least that's what I am hoping : )

[Sjc0]

Possibly taking the time without the kids to do something for them, or in preparation for the next time they will be with you. Even thinking about doing laundry so when they are back there won't be laundry to do might make the chore more worthwhile. Way better for the time with the kids to have clean laundry instead of sore feet.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk 2

[beth0226]

I forced myself to do some work- laundry, dishes, dust, and vacuum. I felt okay while I was working, and it does feel better to look around at a clean house, but as soon as I sat down the blackness came back. I would really like to talk myself into believing that I am not a bad person and I should be in pain, but I truly feel like I did something so wrong that if I take better care of myself and try to heal, I will be cheating my way out of a punishment that I deserve. The problem is that I don't know what I did wrong.

[beth0226]

My pdoc told me that I didn't have a choice of having ECT or not- so I did it. I do feel less depressed, but even after 2 days I still feel somewhat confused. I wish there was another treatment that worked as well without going into the hospital or under anesthesia, or without the memory problems. I really hated being told what to do especially when ECT is something that I hate doing- just walking onto the psych floor of the hospital makes me ill. I have another treatment scheduled for a month from now- how long will I have to do this? Does anyone else get monthly ECT? For how long?

[Victoria'smom]

Are you doing memory exercises through out the month? How long will I have to do this? As long as you truly feel is needed. There are people who do ECT on here .