struggling with cycles

...far away I'm viewing my activities my business there are two of each.

and a third. me of course! ... watching

I'm on the inside and then I am on the outside... always watching though!

I shifty eyes seeing everything from the outside drift in blurred vision when I am in mania and I concentrate intensely to watch myself malfunction like a psychiatric airborne circus....
overwhelmingly coherent with likely un-necessarily coherent imaginations!

..and inversely I very shut tight eyes watch all that and more from the inside deep within the unmapped and very terrible landscapes of my personality!
overwhelmingly REAL and desperate understandings of all the mental mis- behaviour that arrived before my thorough depression ever did!

...and purely by favour of spiritual justice I get to not look anymore and be witness to such personal crimes and emotional adulteration...
performed by the warring factions within my mental destruction and the psycho battle phantoms that wait around to gnaw on my mortal dysfunction....

so...

when I am not looking or watching I am free...
and it is a brief anomaly...

and it is wonderful....

and then the cycle winds up again and it's like saying goodbye to a best friend a lover!...

one day I will figure this crap out!



__________________

You aren't alone, I'm listening to you.

I can relate...but you are able to word it much better than I ever could.