[henrydavidtherobot]

Most people that I know have little trouble getting romantically involved with people. However, this is not true for my bipolar friends (including me). This is also a thing with my INFJ friends.

We get incredibly hurt when something doesn't work out because for us, there are very few fish in the sea. Dating is rare for us, so when it falls apart, it hits us 10 times harder.

Is there some kind of connection here or is this pure coincidence? I feel that out diagnosis makes us really unique people who are also incredibly insightful and understanding. I get told that there are few people like me. However, I seem to be easily replaced by women who are nothing like me. It hurts like Hell and makes it hard to move on because I know that it's going to be another year or so before I get another chance. However, I get to watch myself be replaced over and over and watch them seem completely fine with not having me around. It's killing me. It's killing my other friends too. We have no one but each other to talk about it to because no one gets it.

What's going on?

[Zabine]

I a really not sure what to say about this. Maybe you are not putting yourself out there enough? Maybe you are expecting every guy to be mister right? Most guys are not him....trust me!

[ultramar]

I feel that out diagnosis makes us really unique people who are also incredibly insightful and understanding.

I'd like to, but I don't believe this. I think some people with bipolar disorder are insightful and/or understanding, some aren't; I think everyone's unique.

I think I remember from another post that people disappoint you easily, that you have very high expectations. It's hard to tell from your post exactly what's going on with these relationships, except that the problem lies entirely with others and not you. So I just don't know.

But maybe the issues of expectations and disappointment play some role in this? I think you've mentioned talking about this in therapy, but maybe if there's any connection between this and your romantic relationships, it could be helped with exploring it in therapy. You can't change others, all we can do is try and see what role we ourselves are playing in unsuccessful relationships (whether romantic, friendships, etc.) and go from there. Best of luck with this.

I agree with henrydavidtherobot that there are few fish in the sea able to handle bipolar. I am more sensitive, but that may or may not be bipolar. I go from hot to cold and that is hard on any relationship, especially if the person has little to no understanding of bipolar. This illness is taxing on everyone involved and that's a big commitment many people aren't willing to make. I'm tired of hiding my illness from dates because I'm scared they will reject me when they find out.

Let's face it... I am not normal. That would take a pretty special fish.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Zabine, I am very much out there. I'm heavily involved in lots of communities and have tons of friends/acquaintances. Lots of people know me, even if I don't know them. I'm not expecting a mister right anytime soon. In fact, I don't jump into relationships. I need to be dating someone for a a couple months before I'd consider sharing a relationship with them. I have high expectations. I am RARELY attracted to anyone. I just want to be able to have romantic connections with people like everyone else my age can. I don't need a relationship. It just seems so unfair that everyone else can do this but me. It kills that I can be seeing someone wonderful and then I'm nothing to them and they can find others right away who are nothing like me to replace me. How can you trust people after you've been seeing a guy for 6 months who was totally committed and then one day wasn't? This is seriously killing me. I never do anything to **** it up.

ultramar, I don't doubt that expectations and disappointment play a role. However, what can I do? I don't think that expecting people to be honest and respectful is something that I shouldn't do. I can't be attracted to what I'm not. I hate to sound conceited, but I rarely meet people as smart and passionate as I am. My T isn;t helping and I can;t get a new one. All she ever says is "I don't know". Can you talk more about the "role" thing? All that I am able to gather is that no matter how understanding, kind, passionate, smart, and attractive I am, I can never be valuable to anyone for very long. And I will always be replaced by some one less attractive, less intelligent, and less driven by me. I have no idea what role I play. Maybe a "well, I got her––now on to the next one" roll.

I've never felt so lonely and ostracized in my life. Nothing feels worth it anymore. I can't keep doing this

[henrydavidtherobot]

RR18, I don't feel like I am too hard to handle. I communicate well and am reasonable and not jealous. If I have emotional support, I'm very stable. I just feel that I'm rarely compatible with anyone. For every X romantic encounters one has, Y have good potential. For a bipolar person, the X is a lot lower.

Sorry. I was talking about me. Or, I was assuming that's why I'm still single. I'm very sorry.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I was just confused. No need to apologize.

[ultramar]

And I will always be replaced by some one less attractive, less intelligent, and less driven by me

As you say, you can't choose who you're attracted to, right? It seems these people who have left relationships with you found others that they felt more compatible with; you've judged these others as less intelligent, attractive and driven than you, but different people seek different things in their relationships; maybe this is not what everyone is looking for, or not the only thing their looking for, or there are things they definitely don't want even if the other qualities are there.

You seem (at least on one level) to see yourself as all good and many others as all bad, and do not seem to tolerate ambiguity or disappointment or others' faults very well, and I can see how this would affect relationships. I'm sorry if your therapist isn't helping you. Maybe you could look for another who can help you with relationships, and anything else you'd like help with.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by RR18

I agree with henrydavidtherobot that there are few fish in the sea able to handle bipolar. I am more sensitive, but that may or may not be bipolar. I go from hot to cold and that is hard on any relationship, especially if the person has little to no understanding of bipolar. This illness is taxing on everyone involved and that's a big commitment many people aren't willing to make. I'm tired of hiding my illness from dates because I'm scared they will reject me when they find out.

Let's face it... I am not normal. That would take a pretty special fish.

Who's normal -what is normal? Everyone has their challenges and close, intimate relationships are complicated and can be hard -on anyone. I just don't assume, when going into a relationship, that I have it any harder than the other person. I have no way of knowing this. One person's bipolar disorder is another person's x (issue, problem, or series thereof, etc.).

I don't believe others need to adapt themselves to my mental illness diagnosis. There's a give and take in any relationship, and mutual support, and mutual tolerance (or not) of the others' difficulties.

I do fail to see the specialness of bipolar disorder in the context of relationships. I see challenges specific to bipolar disorder, yes (though everyone is so different), but this isn't to say the person I am with is not also unique and special and has their own many challenges, just that a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is not amongst them.

[henrydavidtherobot]

ultramar, I probably needed to hear that––but ouch. I’m happy that you’re being honest. I can’t choose who I am attracted to, but I’m not attracted to people and having a dating relationship with them for months and then deciding that it’s not what I want anymore. They’re always my best friends, sexuality attracted to me, and care about me a ton. Then one day, no more. They typically try to keep me in their lives afterwards and still care deeply about me. I def see what you’re saying, but I’m not sure where to go with it. I guess I’m not sure what to do if I am constantly bettering myself and constantly supporting those I care about. I just feel that I’ll never be good enough. The only thing that I can think of is that a) no one can keep up with me (my therapist suggested this), or b) that they want an “ideal doll gf” who just sits there and never does anything of any interest. One of the last guys I had a thing with ended up being with a girl who emotionally manipulated him for months. I would never do that to anyone.

I am the master of splitting and seeing others in an all or mostly bad light. I’m working on it. I’m not very tolerant of others' faults because I don’t put people through them, so why should I tolerate it? I’m an honest person, so if you’re not honest, then why should I deal with all of the pain you’re going to put me through? Unfortunately, I lose my therapy services when I graduate in a few weeks so ... I guess I’ll just hope to retain my sanity afterwards.

I hate to be a broken record here. It’s just that no one around me can offer any decent insight. I can’t believe this is affecting me so much. I’m really grateful for PC.

[BipolaRNurse]

Just makes me thank God I've been lucky enough to have someone love me for 33 years instead of leaving me for someone more stable. I think I'd have been much more seriously f'ed up if I'd never met him. There have been many times where I thought about leaving HIM, but thank God I never did......not too many guys out there who could handle me, or would want to. I am a brass-plated b!+@# when I'm in a mood, but he just loves me through it. I only hope I get to hang onto him awhile longer.....he's doing pretty well nowadays but the cancer does overshadow things, and we can't count on ANYTHING. But then, neither can anyone else......we don't know if there'll be a tomorrow for any of us.

[henrydavidtherobot]

bipolarnurse, I'm really sorry that he is sick. My heart goes out to both of you and your families.

Maybe it's not a bi polar thing. I'm pretty stable and reasonable in relationships. We have conversations, not fights. My illness doesn't really affect those around me. I'm a stay in and cry and bother no one type of person.

I need to figure this out. It's gotten to the point where I don't go out because seeing other people have what I can't access and being misunderstood and disappointed by everyone makes everything much worse. I want my life back. I want my self esteem back.

[LacunaCoiler]

I think you're using your bipolar as a cop out. I agree with bipolarnurse, being with someone with bipolar can make a relationship hard (just ask my gf) but it's not the reason all relationships fail.

Before my current girlfriend of 8 years I went through numerous relationships because x,y,z and looking back now a lot of the time the other partner (male or female because in the end it's the same thing) did something I didn't like or approve of I pushed them away. At the time I blamed them for the broken relationship but looking back with a clearer head, it was often things I drove them too.

Plus, it could be the simple fact that after getting to know each other you or the other person just didn't feel the connection. Often it just takes one person to not feel the connection to pull the rug out from other the other person. Sometimes we know the reason why the breakup occurs while other times, we think everything is ok.

I personally think you're putting way too much value on a relationship and maybe that's why it doesn't work out in the end. Maybe you should concentrate on working thing out with yourself first before you get someone else involved. Relationships are hard enough without bringing your insecurities and other underlying issues to the table.

[ultramar]

I do think there are underlying insecurities about yourself that play a role here -and in this context, close relationships can make one feel so vulnerable and all the more painful when someone leaves us. It sounds like you have some wonderful qualities, but maybe need to believe this more yourself, deep down, if this makes sense. It's awful to feel misunderstood, I've been there.

As others have said, I don't think the bipolar is in the driver's seat in this situation; this is a separate issue. But I think therapy could really help if you focus on this? I've seen others have to leave therapy after graduating and that sucks --I don't know if you can get insurance as soon as possible after graduation, whether through a job or even Obamacare, or whatever, so that you can continue. Maybe this therapist hasn't been a great help anyway --you might find people more qualified/experienced, especially with complex mental health issues, outside of the school of environment.

Hang in there

[henrydavidtherobot]

areyousuffering, what do you mean by I am using my bi polar as a cop out? That isn’t meant to sound hostile––I am genuinely curious. Can you talk more about the “doing something I didn’t approve of and pushed them away”? I do def express my doubt in being with someone when they do something I don’t know if I can deal with, but I don’t know why I shouldn’t because that is the right thing to do instead of leading people on.

OK, so how can someone be into me and want to commit to me for months and then just one day doesn’t. I can’t wrap my head around that. And if people can do that to me, then what is the point of getting involved with anyone ever? I don’t see how I would put too much value in a relationship, seeing as I am never rushing into them. Even with this current guy, I wouldn’t get into one with him for a while until we worked past him seeing another girl behind my back when I was in Europe (I forgave him because it was days after his dad died and I can understand and forgive someone acting like that when something that traumatic happens). What can I work out with myself, exactly? I never really brought my insecurities into the relationship (that would be him, actually). I was stable and happy and constantly supportive. What underlying issues have been hinted to you (once again, not hostile, I am genuinely curious). But really though, I am nice, an amazing student, and I am a good friend and a philanthropist and he adored me because he always felt so good talking to me. I am sick of feeling like I keep needing to “work on myself” when I am doing just fine in life besides being an emotional wreck atm because everyone else is a **** to me.

[ultramar]

OK, so how can someone be into me and want to commit to me for months and then just one day doesn’t.

Doesn't this happen out in the dating world all the time? Everyone has their reasons for such things; it's not like any partner is so perfect that they are immune to being dumped.

I'm surprised you can't see anything at all on your end that might contribute to relationship issues, at least at times. I think most of us can think of at least something that we can suck at, given the right circumstances, when it comes to intimate relationships. Given that no one is perfect, and you're no exception to this, surely there are things you can work on. Even the most 'mentally healthy' people have things they can work on; probably most people out there can find ways to improve how they are in the context of close relationships.

You're not perfect, and no one else is perfect; maybe you need to recognize and accept your own faults (who doesn't have them?) -I do think that if you start with yourself, flexibility in how you view others will then come in time.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I think that in the dating world, things tend to gradually fall apart. I would not consider myself perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I was really accepting of his faults. We worked through a lot of stuff together and I was very accepting of him. I did ask him what happened to make him not like me anymore and he couldn’t give me an answer. Its not exactly easy to understand situations when people can’t even be honest and open with you.

I do agree that I need to be more flexible with people. It’s hard to get the motivation to work harder at it (I don’t ever not try) seeing as most people can’t seem to do the same for me. I def understand that I have faults, such as tending to distance myself a little until I know that I can trust someone. I do understand that everyone is flawed, including me, but this only seems to happen (serially) with very few people that I know. I am seriously so lost here.

PS, please don’t misread me. I appreciate this.

[ultramar]

Not mis-read at all --I wish you the best of luck; dating can really suck. And if someone takes off and doesn't tell you why, it's hard to figure out what happened, we're not mind readers after all.