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#1
Dec 02, 2013, 02:24 PM
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But seem to hate it?
I literally wake up every morning and say to myself "I hate my F'ing life". I know I should be grateful. I've had a really good life. I've never had any horrible illness or injury (except the BPII), I have three wonderful sons who love me unconditionally. I was honorably discharged from the USMC after 8 years and was lucky enough to never see combat. I have a wonderful house in a wonderful neighborhood. I have a great GF (we never see each other, life is just too busy it seems). I'm on track to pay off the majority of the debts from my divorce and I should be refinancing my house this week (saving $500/mo!)..... Yet most days I just hate it all (except my boys. I love my boys!!!!!). I feel like I just want to crawl Into a hole and disappear.
__________________
“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
 Ash89, kindachaotic, medicalfox, simplydivine1030, Victoria'smom
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#2
Dec 02, 2013, 03:00 PM
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Sorry to hear!! Honestly, I have everything this life has to offer, yet with my bipolar disorder, often times I feel the same way you do! I'm learning to be happy being depressed if that makes sense! Best of luck!!
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#3
Dec 02, 2013, 03:03 PM
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I try to remind myself of all the good things I have. Sometimes it works more, sometimes less.
__________________
Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE |
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#4
Dec 02, 2013, 03:35 PM
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I'm sorry you feel like this when you awake. I often do as the day gets moving. I'm also very blessed which just makes me feel absolutely guilty. I often worry that I'll run ppl off when they learn about my dark side. Sorry I'm not full of advice, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk
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 There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck |
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#5
Dec 02, 2013, 04:02 PM
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I often feel like that too.. Like I'm miserable for no reason but I don't want to be..
__________________
"I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls." ~ Barbra Streisand <3 DX: Major Depressive Disorder ADHD Generalized Anxiety Disorder Meds: Ativan 1 MG Viibryd 40 MG Adderall 20 MG |
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#6
Dec 02, 2013, 04:33 PM
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I know the feeling, I have A LOT to be happy about, but sometimes I just can't be happy.
Also I would like to say, thank you for your service devil dog (I hope you are not one of the ones that get offended by this, I mean it with respect). All my Marine buddies call us devil dolphins, I think this is a good thing.........? LOL Do you recieve any help from the VA by any chance? I am still trying to work my way through all that stuff, recently recieved my rating, not sure where to go now. |
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#7
Dec 02, 2013, 06:02 PM
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I also understand what you are feeling. It is the nature of BP, I remember being depressed during some of the best times of my life, being hypomanic during some of the worst, and no rhyme or reason or cause and effect, just being temporarily stuck in an episode until it would end. Only when I am in my baseline state do my circumstances match my moods.
You should not feel guilty or that you are being ungrateful. You are doing your best, and it seems from what you describe you are functioning quite well as a person and a parent. Quite a feat when dealing with bipolar! Be proud of yourself!
__________________
Bi Polar 2 (mixed), CPTSD, GAD, PD (with agoraphobia), ADHD. Lamotrigine, Zoloft, Vistaril "I hated labels. People didn’t fit into slots—prostitute, housewife, saint—like sorting the mail. We were so mutable, fluid with fear and desire, ideals and angles, changeable as water." "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." |
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#8
Dec 02, 2013, 07:32 PM
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It's all relative. Our lives compared to places where there's no electricity or running water is a blessing. Some of those people that work in sweat shops in India, Bangladesh, etc. with 12 hr days for 5 cents/hr go "home" to a one-room tin shack with one light bulb and a dirt floor. (60 Minutes ran a story on one of these people in Bangladesh who sewed clothes for Walmart.)
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Forget the night...come live with us in forests of azure - Jim Morrison |
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#9
Dec 02, 2013, 10:12 PM
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Yeah.... This could totally be #firstworldproblems!!!
I don't get really offended when people say thank you, but I never went anywhere or did anything. In 8yrs I never left CONUS. How many AMTRACKER's have never been aboard ship? I'm one of the only. Believe it or not, I HATE being called sir..... I don't wear shinny things on my collars. I work for a living ;-) I have no mental health dealings with the VA. The only thing I get is $124/mo for hearing loss. Nothing for the broken vertebrae, torn ACL, Dislocated Ankle, arthritic pelvis, Sciatica..... I'm now a nurse. I have a great job that I love. I make very good money and by all rights should be happy. I find myself thinking about my ex wife and our 12yr marriage. She took off and left me with the boys.... I never wanted to be a father, I had kids because I thought she would always be there for them and for me..... I simultaneously miss her and hate her with a passion. If she had left me or kicked me out because of the BPII, I would have understood. She left for money.... Sigh. There are days where I just want to eat a bullet.... But with my kids, I will never do that. I couldn't leave them with that legacy.
__________________
“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
| BipolaRNurse, medicalfox
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#10
Dec 03, 2013, 10:11 PM
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Quote:
This is not the least bit unusual, and in fact I suffer from the same malady. I have a great husband, beautiful family and lots of friends, live in a nice neighborhood and have all of the accoutrements of a solidly middle class life. I was even successful in my career, at least until this past year when I flamed out and have not recovered. But underneath, I've often felt like an imposter in my own life thanks to my lousy upbringing and self-esteem issues. I feel for ya, friend. 
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
| Alokin
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#11
Dec 04, 2013, 11:05 AM
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For about a week it was absolutely horrible..... Now, today it's better. Not great, but better. I started out having a craptastic day at work, but it's settled down and I'm feeling better.
I swear half of my problem with depression is lack of exercise..... And does anyone know where the sun went? I haven't seen the thing for the better part of a week!
__________________
“If you are a dreamer come in If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer If youre a pretender com sit by my fire For we have some flax golden tales to spin Come in! Come in!” Shel Silverstein |
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#12
Dec 05, 2013, 01:57 AM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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