[redfaux]

The gentleman I've dating for almost 3 months now decided after my bad day yesterday to ask what was on my mind. I spent a long time thinking of what to tell him and I finally decided upon censorship. Its become so much a part of my life that I only have three or four people who know my moods from my emotions. I find that I say I'm ok a lot no matter what the day is like because when I say I'm surviving or I could be better they all want to know what's wrong and how they can fix it. When they realize they can't they become frustrated and upset which just makes me feel worse. I avoid telling people about things that bother me because it could be taken as more than it is because of the mood I'm in. At this moment I feel its easier and less painful to censor myself than it is to say what I'm thinking because most people don't and can't understand....

Do you all find that you censor yourself with people you know and are close to?

[gayleggg]

Yes, as well as, with coworkers. I never thought of it as censorship before. I just thought I was lying.lol

[LacunaCoiler]

I censor my feelings and thoughts often. I'm extremely open about both with my girlfriend but even then sometime I find myself censoring or not sharing my true feelings with her. It's hard to not censor myself because I've been doing it for so long now.

[middlepath]

I love that you posted this thread. I feel like this most of the time. My husband and two friends are the only ones who get the "real" version of my life. For them, I am grateful! (and for you, too, PCer's!)

[redfaux]

I love to think of it as censoring. Lying is one of the worst crimes in my family but if I just avoid certain conversations I'm in the clear. Its good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I try to open up but just end up leaving the conversation feeling terrible. How do people work on opening up to special people?

[monochromatic]

I always feel awful after I have a meltdown around someone, because I word vomit everything that I'm feeling. I worry so much about affecting others' happiness.

Boyfriend told me that the only thing that really affects him is when I word vomit, not the fact that I'm struggling emotionally. Because when the words come out, they're normally directed at whatever is in front of me. So when it happens around him, it's because "I'm not happy in the relationship" "X needs to change" "Can you please do this differently?" etc. I always, ALWAYS, regret saying these things, and don't feel these thoughts once the meltdown has passed.

So I've learned that when I start to feel the words come up, I leave the room. So yes, I censor myself. It's so hard to, because theres so much inside me bubbling to the surface, but I think it's the only way I'm going to be able to have people in my life.

[Secretum]

I censor myself around people I don't know very well because I don't want to scare them, or to give them a bad impression of who I am.

I censor myself around my family, close friends, and even pdoc because I don't feel that my issues are deserving of their time. This can be dangerous.

Interestingly enough, I have no problem telling people I've been diagnosed with bipolar, as if it were just a random fact about me. But I cannot allow people to see me when I'm experiencing severe symptoms.

[Lillyleaf]

I wouldn't say I censor but I watch what I say. If i'm in a super bad mood or have been having a lot of mood swings up and down in the last few days I'll try to spread out who I talk to about it. Then it doesn't burn anyone out at all!

Also, I change my word choice based on who I'm talking to. I'm okay, bad, depressed, upset, frustrated, bleh, eh, alright, good... and all come out of me on the same day. It just depends what message I want to send to people around me (if I can control it).

Best,

Lilly