Crap... Trigger warning

Trigger warning

What else to title this work of truth other than this
Tormented by my own brain forced to hash and rehash the same exact arguments over and over with no reprieve. I want to scream. I want to claw my eyes out with my finger nails and paint pictures on the wall. I can't stop crying. I want to crawl into a ball and never move. I'm tired of this. What can I do? My screams are caught in my throat I feel like I'm choking. Gasping for air as the wave drags me under again. I'm swimming like I've never swam before. The ground comes to a crashing halt under my suddenly crushed body, I guess thats what happens when you try to climb the walls. Can I paint the ceiling? Make it match my mood? Can youhear the trees talk as the wind whispers stories to them? What if we go run around the block a few times, it won't require a coat that'd make the run to hot. Maybe I should eat. Does a bowl of soup sound good since it's only about 20 degrees? Nothing sounds good. So instead why don't I get the scissors out and cut out fun shapes from the not so fun pieces of me? Tape them to the walls and scream at them then maybe is feel better screaming at a part of me.
This doesn't make any sense to me, but I don't know how to make me understand. Maybe I shouldn't have canceled therapy lady friday even though I don't have the money. I don't have the money to live let alone afford everything the drs think I need. Crap crap crap crap crap crap.....
Does this even make sense to anyone? Is it even in english?

Sent from my Huawei U8800-51 using Tapatalk 2

So looking back at this post I think I should have gone and called my therapist or my crisis team. I feel like everything is going so much slower than me. Everything is a challenge to me. And then on top of that I feel that I shouldn't have said anything and saying all of this just makes me sound crazy. Should I have kept it inside or was it right to let it out. Good news though. I found a psychiatrist covered by my insurance. eugh...

Sent from my Huawei U8800-51 using Tapatalk 2

You don't sound crazy! Eat something and call your therapist the 26th.

You don't sound crazy to me. You just sound brave enough to say what many of us are feeling but too afraid to say. So glad you've found a therapist covered on your insurance. Hang in there!

I know I should call to make a psychiatrist appt tomorrow as soon as they have one available, but my fears are overloading. I desperately want to know what is wrong with me. I feel the same as I did a few days ago except tonight even my meds aren't making me as tired as normal. Fear is sinking in. if this is what is wrong with me is there a fix our is it something that I just have to deal with. Never to be able to miss a dose of meds or to be forced to sleep during specific times. What kind if a life is that for a 26 year old who just got married? Does this mean kids are out of the question? Why would I want to risk another person having to deal with this crap? I doubt anyone would hear me if I screamed. Or notice if I scratched my eyeballs out. I just wish there was some way to make my spouse understand what is going on in my head. I try to explain it comes out a jumbled up mess of letters that don't even make words. I feel like I'm speaking alien languages. Then you've got work how do I deal with this there? It's retail and for the past month or so I've wanted to stab half of the people I deal with in the eye with a pencil or a spoon and make them see that they are stupid f#&$s who need to go jump off a short pier. I never remember wanting to hurt other people as much as I have these past few months and it's just during worse. I want to scream at everyone "what the f#$& is wrong with me?" Why can't I just make it all stop this isn't fair. I thought things were supposed to get better not worse... Eugh why does this bad crap always seem to happen to me?
I need to paint the pretty pictures and cut the pretty shapes maybe then I'll feel better....
CRAP CRAP CRAP

Sent from my Huawei U8800-51 using Tapatalk 2