[manymiles]

Sometimes my brain is too full to read long posts. Skip to The point is, if you too don't feel like it

I was diagnosed this past summer with what I thought was BPII but recently came to discover is BP NOS. I haven't told anyone, not my husband, parents, siblings, no one. I haven't told because mainly I didn't think it would benefit me in any way. In terms of telling so that others can better understand my behavior, I just thought the price of telling wasn't worth it even as selfish as that may be.

Recently I had for lack of other words a brain fart. I feel disconnected with my family of origin but something really good happened for one of them. They called me to share the news but I got it all confused. I thought the person calling was someone else calling and was like why in the world would that person call me and tell me that it is so weird considering that I have NO relationship with them. I thought it was like boasting, just to call me and have only called me 1 time in 20 years to tell me only that literally and say goodbye, no call me, etc. just literally say this is X, this happened OK by. It felt just weird.

Well actually who did call and left the message (which included their name) was someone that I would call and say hey congrats as they are more a part of my life and it makes sense that they would call.

I don't know if any of what I wrote makes any sense. But I can't believe I got it confused like that. My Mom said she wondered what was going on with me because that was so unlike me to not want to call someone and congratulate them the reality is I didn't get who called when they left a clear message that I listened to a few times. Mom went on about how it didn't seem like me, but now it seems like the Manymiles she has always known is acting how she is familiar with.

So out of that I am thinking of telling my MOM. Just as a way to say yes something is going on with me. I'm on these meds and things are a bit different for me sometimes like forgetting stuff, or just not getting some things like before and using the wrong words for things but sometimes catching it a second later. People do make mistakes like that who are not on meds or whatever. I just thought OMG that was weird for me too. why didn't I get that. It may sound like no big deal but I don't not get those type of things normally and too wonder why I did.

I am all emotional this time of uhh month so don't know maybe it's just that. I just feel like I owe her an explanation for being so out of character. what do you all think?

The point is..If someone doesn't know your diagnosis but you want to explain your behavior how do you do that? I am afraid that I may not act like myself again. Telling my Mom (who lives in another state) may explain some things to her. At the same time I don't want her or anyone to think oh she did XYZ because of her meds or because she has BP.

Thanks for reading.

[winter4me]

If you want to tell her, it may help, especially if she has BP, she may already guess...
You will act like yourself... And, depending on the person, the Dx can be helpful, not just by itself --- you may have to educate people you want to know (if you were a diabetic, you might hide it, but it would be easier to explain why you need to turn down certain foods, and disappear several times a day to check your glucose---and what they can look for should you have symptoms of hypo/hyperglycemia, could save your life----) I don't see MI as any different when handled as a matter of fact. There are some good resources on this site that you could send to anyone you wanted to communicate with---lots of people think they know what you mean when you speak the name of a diagnosis, but many really do Not know what you mean unless you educate them....Best to you!

[Victoria'smom]

Could you play it of as an anxiety attack. You could also say you don't know. If you talk about doctor appointments mention you had/have one and talk about it.

Usually my conversations go like this:

Mom:How'd your appointments go?
Me: What appointments?
Mom: You said you had appointments thursday?
Me: Oh, they went fine. We had all our therapists appointments and Dr. M change me to X med.
Mom: Oh,
Me: So did you win at bingo?

I treat it like anything else. My family knows I'm on meds (usually which ones) and it's Bipolar but they haven't asked anything else so I don't volunteer. My grandma always asked me how I was doing and I couldn't lie to her. She like had a superpower like that. So she would ask if my meds were working. When I see the dr. things like that.

Just trying to pull out what I hear you saying -- that maybe you are leaning towards an answer without realizing it (if that makes any sense )
You've told no one. See no benefit in doing so. In terms of telling to explain your behavior, you say you don't think it's worth the price. You don't want her or anyone to think xyz because of BP or the meds. (You can't control that of course, and there's no way to know.)
I don't see why your mother would be an exception to your general feelings about it on account of one incident. The incident might be out of character, but really? It's not that big of a deal (imo). Brain farts happen. (You don't mention exactly how recently this happened, but as you mention current hormones, perhaps that is a factor in making you feel extra sensitive about the mix up?? Just a thought.)

You're still quite new to the whole BP thing and maybe you want to see if your feelings on disclosure change or stay the same with some more time. There's no rush.

[manymiles]

Yes Innerzone this recent incident with my mother isn't significantly different than other experiences. I think what may be changing is me. Lately, as in these last two weeks I have been thinking a tiny bit about talking to my family about my diagnosis. This incident is just a reminder of maybe I'd be understood or others could help me make sense of the changes in me - not in the be my doctor type relationship but in terms of someone just familiar with me to say hey you seem different or whatever.

Guess if I have more experiences like this and interpret it as being useful if folks knew then I'd eventually share it.

I think it's just a sense of isolation with having BP NOS. My experience is that I haven't read much which says Yes that is me. I don't know, I know it sounds pathetic but I feel isolated even with the diagnosis, like if I had another type of BP I might identify more with folks. That plus not telling folks about it has recently pulled a bit on me. Sure I want my cake and to eat it too, by wanting to feel included and not sharing. I know it makes no sense. It's like the whole if my hand is closed I can nether give nor receive. Oh well I am confusing myself at this point.

Yeah I've been emotional, will sit on this for a while and tell when I have made a decision to do so and not just some emotional reaction to feeling alone for while. Maybe it's just the holiday thing of feeling alone. I don't know. but thank you so kindly for listening.

MiguelsMom, that sounds like a good way to talk about it. Boundaries have always been an issue with me and my mom. It would be lecture time for her, intended with Love though.

Winter4me, I think part of it is that I can't educate them because I can't understand it myself. I have searched online but still it doesn't explain it in a way I really get. Will research more and continue to understand then maybe will be able to tell others. Yes I understand my experiences but not how it relates to my diagnosis. I'm confused and am learning.

Feel like I asked too much of you all already by listening thank you.

[Victoria'smom]

It would be lecture time for her, intended with Love though. That's why I cut her off and diverted her attention before the words really sank in

Are you in therapy? it'll help figuring out your own symptoms.

[faerie_moon_x]

I never bothered to tell my dad, even though I knew it would explain things it wouldn't explain them to him, because he had no idea about any of it. Probably, he wouldn't have believed me or just brushed it off anyway. He came from the mindset that everyone suffers and just shut up and deal with it.

Originally Posted by manymiles

Feel like I asked too much of you all already by listening thank you.

Oh, pffft! That's what we're all here for. Heck, your thread title caught my eye right away -- "Oh! I can sure relate to that!". So naturally wanted to read about your situation. I'm quite selective about disclosure, and even 5-6 years since actual diagnosis could pretty well tell you every person I've told. (Fewer than 20, which sounds like a lot, but they're scattered all over the country and mostly don't know each other. Heheh. ) But almost a year ago, I had, like you say, a real impulse to tell a certain person (also BP). I just wanted to blurt it out -- it was about killin' me not to tell them(!) BF persuaded me not to. Turned out, I'm reeeallly glad I didn't. The actual person would have been fine, but they had --in addition to a reputation for being a little too honest for their own good --a long standing on-and-off relationship with someone who turned very nasty towards me and would not have hesitated to stir the pot of ignorance to use it against me. And you just know it would have slipped. In all innocence, but the result would have been the same nonetheless. I still would have loved to have been able to tell the person. But I have no occasion to run into them anymore, so guess it's a moot point at this juncture.

But the question will surely arise again. Every situation/dynamic is different, and, in the end, it always just comes down to our best guess how it will go!

[manymiles]

I'm in therapy, recently started with someone new. I look forward to understanding my symptoms more. Last time they said something about the type of BP that I have is not typical or something like that. I am going to ask what they meant by that next time.

It makes since to not tell folks when you just know they are going to hurt you with it. It's so very challenging. For someone to deny your experience and diagnosis would be a reason for me not to tell. Also if they wouldn't keep it private it would be a big no for me as I am a very private person. Held a few people very close.

The impulse is fading today and I don't want the lectures, blow off that it's not important or the over emphasis of it's importance. Plus my family talks and gossips about each and I don't want to give them them more food for the fire. There is no one that I think would not do those things.

Also I think it's great when folks can talk about it, be themselves and not care what others think or take it in stride because fighting the stigma or other reason are more important,

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by manymiles

Yes Innerzone this recent incident with my mother isn't significantly different than other experiences. I think what may be changing is me. Lately, as in these last two weeks I have been thinking a tiny bit about talking to my family about my diagnosis. This incident is just a reminder of maybe I'd be understood or others could help me make sense of the changes in me - not in the be my doctor type relationship but in terms of someone just familiar with me to say hey you seem different or whatever.

Guess if I have more experiences like this and interpret it as being useful if folks knew then I'd eventually share it.

I think it's just a sense of isolation with having BP NOS. My experience is that I haven't read much which says Yes that is me. I don't know, I know it sounds pathetic but I feel isolated even with the diagnosis, like if I had another type of BP I might identify more with folks. That plus not telling folks about it has recently pulled a bit on me. Sure I want my cake and to eat it too, by wanting to feel included and not sharing. I know it makes no sense. It's like the whole if my hand is closed I can nether give nor receive. Oh well I am confusing myself at this point.

Yeah I've been emotional, will sit on this for a while and tell when I have made a decision to do so and not just some emotional reaction to feeling alone for while. Maybe it's just the holiday thing of feeling alone. I don't know. but thank you so kindly for listening.

MiguelsMom, that sounds like a good way to talk about it. Boundaries have always been an issue with me and my mom. It would be lecture time for her, intended with Love though.

Winter4me, I think part of it is that I can't educate them because I can't understand it myself. I have searched online but still it doesn't explain it in a way I really get. Will research more and continue to understand then maybe will be able to tell others. Yes I understand my experiences but not how it relates to my diagnosis. I'm confused and am learning.

Feel like I asked too much of you all already by listening thank you.

You know, this does remind me of when I found my symptoms (many years ago) described, at least in part, under a term called "anxiety", and for several years it made no sense to me at all. I am a calm person. It is hard to remember it not making sense now, not "clicking", not explaining; and indeed there turned out to be so much more...perhaps the diagnosis does not "click" or explain yourself to you because there is something else going on...or it is incomplete/clashes with what you know of yourself. I can well understand why you would hesitate to share the DX if you don't understand it yourself----I never talked to anyone till I was older...I knew something was "wrong" but I couldn't name it ---- when my behavior was "off" I had names like "I'm having one of my 'fits'" or I simply withdrew. I had two rules, one was to work, the other was to not go home.
And, I needed those rules until I could in some way deal with my self.
People often misinterpreted my behavior ("aloof", "not sociable", and then quite the opposite at times..."cool" "doing whatever she wants" "calm"...)
If you do share, you probably feel questions may come you cannot really answer, and assumptions will be made that you cannot correct; time will tell.