On this roller coaster.....

After a lifetime of words "describing" me by family and friends, I was diag in 2005 after a month of hospitalization (which started out to be a 3 day eval) as BP I Rapid Cycling with Psychosis. I didn't work for almost 2 yrs then got myself together, went back to work as an RN and then in 2008 my head literally blew up. I experienced a R cerebral aneurism which had to be coiled instead of open surgery because I waited 3 days before seeking medical attention (yeah nurses make the worse patients behind Drs.). I pulled myself together once again after they said I was suppose to be dead and 2 yrs later once again returned to work. Just when you think it's safe to come out in the dark.....I have once again got on the BP roller coaster. The last job I had I worked over 590 hrs in a little over 2 1/2 months...they loved me til I started forgetting things, "intimidating" staff, etc..sent me home on 3 days suspension and on day 4 I walked in and quit convinced they were gonna fire me anyway. Couldn't find another job, various reasons given after interviews when I called to find out why I had been passed over. Now for the pass couple of months, I sit mostly in my pjs, drinking coffee, smoking and on the computer. I can't bear to go in public or around people, I won't answer the phone (I make my husband), I can't even put into words how black everything is right now....but I bet ya'll know. I'm 60 yrs old...will be 61 next month...my daughter thinks my 3 day lack of medical treatment for my aneurism was a "legal" way of attempted suicide but the pain just got too bad...maybe so. People say, I love my kids so much I would die for them but, I love my kids and grandkids so much I have to continue to live for them.

I know this is long...I appreciate those who take time to read it. I just want you to know who I am. I was here before a couple of years ago and went away...I can't remember who I was then.