[Hbomb0903]

Is that so much to ask?? I read all of your insightful, terrifying, inspiring and sometimes scary posts and it is driven home that meds are a crapshoot at best.

The not being able to trust your own mind. The inability to cope with day to day I'm dealing with right now. How many times can I crumble and get back up. Med changes on Monday and still waiting to feel better. I want to have hope but I feel hopeless and worthless but I know deep down I have so much to give!

I'm on a precipice with the life I painstakingly built up since my last major depressive episode. I'm scared and I'm tired and I feel alone. I'm glad I have this outlet, but I want so much more.

[littlemiss44]

You aren't alone. It is so frustrating to wait and see how the meds are going to work. I understand yr strong desire to feel better now! It is overwhelming to be so depressed not knowing when it will get better but trust me it will. I've been in a depressive state for about two months and it's been so incredibly difficult. You do have so much to give! Please don't give up or give in. With the right combo of meds and therapy it truly can get better. Be easy on yr self. Do you have a good pdoc and t? I suggest weekly therapy appts. That is what is getting me thru this depression. Yes I am still depressed but I have hope. It is very scarey and a pain staking process. Keep the faith. Please take care and keep us posted on how yr doing ok? God bless you

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[Hbomb0903]

I want people to understand and they don't. I feel a little like the poor livestock in the megafarms. Helpless and forgotten once they can't produce anymore.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I want people to understand and they don't.

IMO, this is the main reason why you don't feel comfortable in you own skin.

Buut, you've got it a bit back to front

First we must learn to be comfortable in our own skin, that starts with accepting who and what we are and embracing this individual as well.

Once we learn how to be comfortable, others will learn how to be comfortable with us too.

The shytti truth is, nobody is gonna understand unless they're wearing the same style shoes and walking a similar path.
Not even the pdocs understand more than on a superficial book smarts level.
Its like how I know alot about AIDS but I can't understand what my HIV positive friend is living through.

Expecting people to understand intrinsicly what they cannot, only leads to a breeding ground for resentment and disappointment.

The good news however is that everything isn't black and white.

If we learn to identify and appreciate the type of support and understanding available to us, we become more appreciative of those around us and we feel less alone.

I know I've already typed a novel but I'm going to reference my experience in the hopes that I'm clear in my writing and intent.

I felt very alone from the time my symptoms manifested (age 15) until the time I was dxd (age 25)... None of my friends or family ever "got" me.
After getting dxd, I felt relieved but ultimately even more alone and lost than ever, always trying to wear my "normal' mask and wearing myself down in trying to do so 24/7.
I started isolating and pushing people away because I found no use for them since they couldn't understand any of it anyway.

THEN, I learned how to embrace and accept myself as I had come to know me, I learned how to accept my shortcomings and my new limitations.
No, this was not a sign of defeat, but rather a tool I used to re-strategize. A way to remap my life, in a manner of speaking.

This lead to a clearer perspective of my support system, the one I judged so harshly because none of them understood me.
I learned that as much as they didnt understand, they still accepted me, and stood by me, that realization has been extremely beneficial to me.
My mother will never be a shoulder for me to offload on, but I appreciate how she catches my "daughter ball" when I inadvertantly drop it.
She and my brother will pick up the pace where I slack off as a mom, and that is an invaluable show of support, even though its not the emotional understanding I craved for years.
My friends, family and bf know (understand) that I'm a completely irrational b1tch at times, and still they choose to stick around.
That is a profound type of acceptance right there.

I'm sorry for writing such a long drawn out post, but if nothing else, I'm pedantic about clarity.

Your case is not hopeless, not in the least, I think your perceptions and support network may just need some fine tuning.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Is that so much to ask?? I read all of your insightful, terrifying, inspiring and sometimes scary posts and it is driven home that meds are a crapshoot at best.

The not being able to trust your own mind. The inability to cope with day to day I'm dealing with right now. How many times can I crumble and get back up. Med changes on Monday and still waiting to feel better. I want to have hope but I feel hopeless and worthless but I know deep down I have so much to give!

I'm on a precipice with the life I painstakingly built up since my last major depressive episode. I'm scared and I'm tired and I feel alone. I'm glad I have this outlet, but I want so much more.

I do not know about meds being a crap shoot. If properly medicated I not only can be perfectly functional, but feeling "normal" and very good and asymptomatic for long periods of time. This is usually not possible without meds.

I find many pdocs are not capable of medicating me this way. I think they are either not knowledgeable enough, or not as aggressive as they should be. Out of the half dozen pdocs I have had, only one seems to know what he was doing and was aggressive enough to put my bipolar in remission. I have always had refractory depression.

But back to what you were saying...I remember feeling so hopeless at times, like saying to myself "when will I feel not depressed and more 'normal'"", or "when will I be able to get off this merry-go-round". These are the bad times. This is when I consider being able to eat, brush my teeth, are take a shower every few days, a major accomplishment. But due to the nature of the illness, I find that if I wait long enough, with appropriate med changes, this comes to pass for me. Sometimes this has taken a few years. I find even a little exercise, like walking to the mailbox and back, and some socializing, like on this forum, can help. And I postpone any decision of significance when in this type of mood. Oh yes, eating "comfort" food and watching TV helps too.

@Trippin2.0

THEN, I learned how to embrace and accept myself as I had come to know me, I learned how to accept my shortcomings and my new limitations.
No, this was not a sign of defeat, but rather a tool I used to re-strategize. A way to remap my life, in a manner of speaking.

This is very important, what has been said in this message. But accepting oneself and moving on from that point I have found very difficult and a life-long process.

Your case is not hopeless, not in the least, I think your perceptions and support network may just need some fine tuning.

I agree with this suggestion. I think the OP can benefit from this.